Today's Joke Thread

Just Geri · May 22, 2019

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"

"No, you idiot," the voice boomed "It's the rink manager!"

Just Geri · May 22, 2019

A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 33 lbs 13 oz

single stack · May 22, 2019

Four little old ladies were sitting at the bar at Margarita Republic when Lenny "the widow hunter" limped by, doffed his Korean War Veteran cap and wished the ladies a good evening. Lenny had his sights set on a sassy little blue head at the other end of the bar.
The first little old lady leaned in and said "I heard he has a tattoo on his thingy."
The second exclaimed "Is that right?"
The third little old lady responded "Yup!"
The fourth chimed in with " I heard it reads "Tiny!"
The third little old lady whispered "Nope, it reads Ticonderoga, NY."

MetalCutter · May 22, 2019

A recent survey says Americans eat more bananas than monkeys. Funny.....I don't know what monkey tastes like.

sdismukes · May 23, 2019

MikePotts said:
Scene 1, A Cold Day in Scotland:

A knock on the croft door.

Mary: Och Jimmy you're freezing, come on in and have a cup of tea.

Jimmy: Thanks Mary I don't mind if I do.

Mary: Would you like some cake or a meringue?

Jimmy: No, you're right Mary I'd love some cake.

OK, still don't get it. I do a pretty good Scots imitation, and it just ain't gelling for me....

tinplas · May 23, 2019

sdismukes said:
OK, still don't get it. I do a pretty good Scots imitation, and it just ain't gelling for me....

A meringue translates to am I wrong?
Everyone has rolled their eyes at me once I explain it. I still laugh every time I explain it

ZX9RCAM · May 23, 2019

tinplas said:
A meringue translates to am I wrong?
Everyone has rolled their eyes at me once I explain it. I still laugh every time I explain it

Ah.
I wasn't using an accent in the right places...

Bozz10mm · May 23, 2019

tinplas said:
A meringue translates to am I wrong?
Everyone has rolled their eyes at me once I explain it. I still laugh every time I explain it

Thanks

karlac · May 23, 2019

Got the Theory of Relativity a whole lot quicker ...

sdismukes · May 23, 2019

tinplas said:
A meringue translates to am I wrong?
Everyone has rolled their eyes at me once I explain it. I still laugh every time I explain it

I wuz trrrying muhrrrr-ang, Laddie!

tinplas · May 23, 2019

Just Geri · May 24, 2019

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Democrat and a liar. He never did any of that shit.

Just Geri · May 24, 2019

A young man with his pants hanging half off his butt, two gold front teeth, cell phone in his hand and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hey man. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say.... but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're ####tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it." .....

BRD@66 · May 24, 2019

So old that I'd forgotten the punchline. Still a great joke.

Army 1911 · May 24, 2019

For those of you who don't know.
The difference between good sex and great sex is about $200.00

For women, it's just fresh batteries.

sdismukes · May 27, 2019

Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile. Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.
Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose. Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, "Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
To which Murphy replies, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?"

ZX9RCAM · May 27, 2019

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said, "don't do it man, you will never hear the end of it."

Texan-in-Training · May 30, 2019

A Wyoming rancher’s summary of the Mueller Report and
Democrats’ ongoing efforts in one analogous sentence:

“While we recognize that the subject did not actually steal any horses,
he is obviously guilty of trying to resist being hanged for it.”

Bozz10mm · May 30, 2019

A blonde wins a gold medal at the Summer olympics.

She is so proud of it, she has it bronzed.

Texan-in-Training · Jun 2, 2019

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .. ....

(get ready)

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

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