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Am I being an over the top ex-husband

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  • RACER X

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    Jun 18, 2013
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    Richmond/Houston
    Wife and I have been separated now divorced for 1yr this month

    She’s working on her 2nd “serious” B/F in that time frame

    No cares given till she has these guys are sleeping over w our kids there

    I’ve asked for background checks on these fella’s

    12-daughter
    8-son

    1st guy was a loser in all diff ways, clean record , till she broke up w him, he was arrested for “supposedly” hitting his wife, yes he was separated while seeing my ex, yes we were separated as well.

    2nd guy I found out about tonight, he’s a Dr

    We have god-parents who act as intermediaries and have helped and even did the check on the first guy

    I had found some dirt when she was initially unwilling to let the god parents or I know his name, all the dirt had to do w an unregistered/untitled/un-insured car , along w a fraudulent registration. All the while my kids are riding in this car.

    I’m thinking the Dr is more legit, but being a Dr doesn’t mean he isn’t a POS either

    Is it over the top for me to ask to have BK check done? that’s really about the extent of what I’d investigate

    If she hadn’t had dudes sleep over w kids I wouldn’t have know or cared, as I’ve had female “friends” as well, but none in front of my kids










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    Texas SOT
     

    jrbfishn

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    Aug 9, 2013
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    I won't even pretend to be qualified to answer. What you do, is a matter of personal conscience.
    What I will do, is offer a piece of advice. What you do with it is up to you.
    No matter what, never, ever, for any reason talk or do something in front of the kids to seem negative of your ex. If you absolutely have to them, rationally, and explain your side and let them decide the truth. Or you will pay for it with resentment.
    My ex tried that game. When I pointed out who actually said things or did things, sometimes more importantly who did not, they came to resent her pretty quickly. If her choices are that bad, she will hang herself. You don't need to help.
    The best thing you can do is watch as close as possible. And be ready to protect the kids if necessary.

    Good luck. I know from experience, it ain't a good place to be.

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    TexasRedneck

    1911 Nut
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    9   0   0
    Jan 23, 2009
    14,560
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    New Braunfels, TX
    Much as it sucks, there's not jack you can do - other than worry yourself into a frazzle, perhaps to the point that YOU do something dumb. At 12, your daughter is old enough to understand "Honey, here's a phone - keep it charged at ALL times. If someone is hurting mommy, record it and call the police. If somone is hurting YOU, record it, text me where you are and what's going on, then call the police."

    You two decided to split, brother - the exposure of your kids to others is something you should have thought of before hand - NOT beating you on it, because I've walked your path.
     

    zincwarrior

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    Jan 27, 2010
    4,775
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    Texas, land of Tex-Mex
    Wife and I have been separated now divorced for 1yr this month

    She’s working on her 2nd “serious” B/F in that time frame

    No cares given till she has these guys are sleeping over w our kids there

    I’ve asked for background checks on these fella’s

    12-daughter
    8-son

    1st guy was a loser in all diff ways, clean record , till she broke up w him, he was arrested for “supposedly” hitting his wife, yes he was separated while seeing my ex, yes we were separated as well.

    2nd guy I found out about tonight, he’s a Dr

    We have god-parents who act as intermediaries and have helped and even did the check on the first guy

    I had found some dirt when she was initially unwilling to let the god parents or I know his name, all the dirt had to do w an unregistered/untitled/un-insured car , along w a fraudulent registration. All the while my kids are riding in this car.

    I’m thinking the Dr is more legit, but being a Dr doesn’t mean he isn’t a POS either

    Is it over the top for me to ask to have BK check done? that’s really about the extent of what I’d investigate

    If she hadn’t had dudes sleep over w kids I wouldn’t have know or cared, as I’ve had female “friends” as well, but none in front of my kids










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    You are divorced. You have no right to ask for bupkuss.
     

    RACER X

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    Jun 18, 2013
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    Richmond/Houston
    You are divorced. You have no right to ask for bupkuss.

    You are correct, I can ask and she has the right to say no, that doesn’t mean I can’t find out on my own.

    And if the kids weren’t involved I’m not concerned w her dating life.

    And a check was done her first b/f w her consent. They broke up on their own w no intervention from me


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    RACER X

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    Jun 18, 2013
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    Richmond/Houston
    Much as it sucks, there's not jack you can do - other than worry yourself into a frazzle, perhaps to the point that YOU do something dumb. At 12, your daughter is old enough to understand "Honey, here's a phone - keep it charged at ALL times. If someone is hurting mommy, record it and call the police. If somone is hurting YOU, record it, text me where you are and what's going on, then call the police."

    You two decided to split, brother - the exposure of your kids to others is something you should have thought of before hand - NOT beating you on it, because I've walked your path.

    Actually she decided for “us” when she moved out. I even tried reconciling after that and after her first b/f, but at some point I had to move on as well.


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    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Jan 5, 2012
    18,591
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    HK
    Wait till you have more then one ex wife. Then it gets easy. I have an ex wife in prison for the murder of a child. Your situation isn't bad. Give it about 3-5 years.

    Best advice to yourself. Move On. Otherwise it'll rot emotions.
     

    Brains

    One of the idiots
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    Apr 9, 2013
    6,904
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    Spring
    Really it all boils down to whether your ex is a responsible parent or not. Digging around in the histories of her dates will only bring down pain on you. Say you uncover something in their past, then what? Confront your ex? Yeah, that will end well.

    Let it go man, just let it go. I'm guessing the split was not amicable, but that doesn't mean it has to remain that way. If y'all truly care about those kids, the best thing you and your ex-wife can do for them is to become friends again. Jimmy's advice is spot on too. My oldest, who many of you met at the reunions, is my step son. He calls me by my first name rather than Dad, yet he has no memory of a time I haven't been there. That's because we (my wife and I) have always made sure his father is included. We have always talked UP his father, but we've never hid the truths from him either. Heck, his father was invited to our wedding! Everyone makes choices, everyone makes mistakes, so when you keep the kids' best interests at heart it's all good in my book.

    To wrap it up, wanting to know about who is around your kids is second nature, and there's nothing wrong with that - but you just can't go around pulling background checks on them, and expect a positive reaction. If I were in your shoes, I'd do what my Son's father did with me - he trusted my wife made a good choice, and got to know me.
     

    RACER X

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    Jun 18, 2013
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    Richmond/Houston
    You guys keep thinking it’s about the dating, it’s not, it’s about the kids

    I was given (by her) custodialship of the kids and she pays me child support




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    RACER X

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    Jun 18, 2013
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    Richmond/Houston
    Really it all boils down to whether your ex is a responsible parent or not. Digging around in the histories of her dates will only bring down pain on you. Say you uncover something in their past, then what? Confront your ex? Yeah, that will end well.

    Let it go man, just let it go. I'm guessing the split was not amicable, but that doesn't mean it has to remain that way. If y'all truly care about those kids, the best thing you and your ex-wife can do for them is to become friends again. Jimmy's advice is spot on too. My oldest, who many of you met at the reunions, is my step son. He calls me by my first name rather than Dad, yet he has no memory of a time I haven't been there. That's because we (my wife and I) have always made sure his father is included. We have always talked UP his father, but we've never hid the truths from him either. Heck, his father was invited to our wedding! Everyone makes choices, everyone makes mistakes, so when you keep the kids' best interests at heart it's all good in my book.

    To wrap it up, wanting to know about who is around your kids is second nature, and there's nothing wrong with that - but you just can't go around pulling background checks on them, and expect a positive reaction. If I were in your shoes, I'd do what my Son's father did with me - he trusted my wife made a good choice, and got to know me.

    Thanks

    Sadly her first choice was a bad decision and she knows it now, this is the 2nd man to sleep over w the kids in her home in 1yr, is that good decision making?

    When we first split she would drag the kids to adult parties w no other kids, is that good parenting?

    She kept the kids out till 0200 one night at a party some 50+ miles away, good decision making?

    She has gotten better over the yr, except for bringing guys home to play family

    And yeah she brought b/f#1 to our sons baseball games, within a few months splitting

    Btw she was never introduced to b/f#1 kids, but he slept over w my kids a bit, good decision making?


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    RACER X

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    Jun 18, 2013
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    If you haven't yet. Start dating.

    Funny thing, I have 1 lady friend who wants to get serious

    I was given the contact # for a lady this weekend, by the the guy fixing my fridge this past weekend, cuz he felt I was a decent enough fella to intro to his friend , and I had only met him 1x before when he diagnosed my fridge

    And I’ve been doing well on these dating sites and I’m an ugly mug



    Ask 40arpent or Cam

    Lol


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    ROGER4314

    Been Called "Flash" Since I Was A Kid!
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    Jul 11, 2009
    10,444
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    East Houston
    You're locked in a trap that will destroy you and harm your kids. It's none of your business what she does and by collecting "evidence" of her bad behavior around your children, you keep yourself from having a happy life. Use your time with the children to enjoy the kids and don't pump them for information about her. Get OUT of this trap and stay out of it! You can't change her, but you can darn sure change YOU!

    Kids are very resilient and they'll make their own judgements about what they see and hear.

    Flash
     
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    RACER X

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    Jun 18, 2013
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    You're locked in a trap that will destroy you and harm your kids. It's none of your business what she does and by collecting "evidence" of her bad behavior around your children, you keep yourself from having a happy life. Use your visitation time to enjoy the kids and don't pump them for information about her. Get OUT of it and stay out of it!

    Flash

    We split time 50:50 , and in reality I spend more time w the kids because I pick them up from school EVERYDAY and take them to their evening activities. Yes even on her week

    She takes the boy to school in the morn everyday, yes even on my week

    Thanks for the input


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    ROGER4314

    Been Called "Flash" Since I Was A Kid!
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    1   0   0
    Jul 11, 2009
    10,444
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    East Houston
    OH.....The statistics on relationships that develop after a divorce are appalling! Sure, go out and have a few laughs, date around, but don't tie up with another one for a while........ unless you just want to go through this again!

    Flash
     

    RACER X

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    Jun 18, 2013
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    Lol I just talked w a friend of mine who said I should go intro myself to this fella in a friendly manor and to give him my contact info, JIC there’s an emergency

    W a gun on my hip, open carrying lol

    Told him that was a bit over the top

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    Brains

    One of the idiots
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    3   0   0
    Apr 9, 2013
    6,904
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    Spring
    Thanks

    Sadly her first choice was a bad decision and she knows it now, this is the 2nd man to sleep over w the kids in her home in 1yr, is that good decision making?

    When we first split she would drag the kids to adult parties w no other kids, is that good parenting?

    She kept the kids out till 0200 one night at a party some 50+ miles away, good decision making?

    She has gotten better over the yr, except for bringing guys home to play family

    And yeah she brought b/f#1 to our sons baseball games, within a few months splitting

    Btw she was never introduced to b/f#1 kids, but he slept over w my kids a bit, good decision making?
    The answer to all of those is "it depends." My parents (before they passed at a very young age, sadly) would take my brother and I everywhere with them. We grew up around adults, just as much as kids. Pretty much everything on your list, we did frequently. Bars (well, yacht clubs), fancy restaurants, resorts, Vegas, etc. Different time, of course, but we felt included and important - and we still knew where the adult vs. kid line was. I can still remember some of the laughter when my kid brain would try to tackle 'grown ups' conversations (nothing dirty, usually things related to business, financials, world events, etc.).

    Lol I just talked w a friend of mine who said I should go intro myself to this fella in a friendly manor and to give him my contact info, JIC there’s an emergency

    W a gun on my hip, open carrying lol

    Told him that was a bit over the top
    Depending on how you do this, it would be a VERY positive step. First, your head has to be in the right place though. That's basically what my wife's ex did with me. Introduced himself, shared some of his feelings and honest concerns, and allowed me to get to know him. We obviously aren't best buds, but we have a mutual respect that is separate from and in addition to our common ground. It makes life a whole lot easier, especially when we don't see eye to eye on various parenting issues. Nobody is afraid to pick up the phone and call the other, and that is such a good thing.
     

    oldag

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    Feb 19, 2015
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    Nothing is wrong with you being concerned about to whom/what your children are exposed. Good to see you are not abdicating your parental responsibility even when they are not in your presence.

    Do what you can legally.

    It is obvious that your ex has no concerns in this department, so it is left to you.

    If it gets really bad, you could talk to a attorney and see about having your ex's visitation rights removed. Likely to be an uphill battle though.

    Hang in there.
     

    pronstar

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    Jul 2, 2017
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    Here's my internet opinion:
    She has the right to date dooshbags, and a right to privacy. She has the right to make poor parenting decisions that aren't breaking laws.

    Your rights as a parent can't trample her rights.

    I do not think the courts will look kindly upon an ex who hires investigators to peer into the personal life of the other. She could paint you as a psycho...who approached her dooshy BF with a gun on his hip (if you heed some advise in this thread).

    If the tables were turned, I wouldn't be happy if my ex hired investigators to look into the women of questionable morals that I'd be dating.

    The only way you can eliminate her bad parenting decisions, is to get total custody.


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