Today's Joke Thread

sdismukes · Oct 25, 2019

There was a Fellow who got drafted in WW2, He was a paratrooper at Normandy and survived. when he came home he had family. His Son Eunice never seemed to do real well.

Eunice was grown and still not doing well and He called his father. Daddy, 'I joined the Army and wanted to follow You, so I am gonna be a paratrooper!'

His Father was proud!

Eunice called back a few months later to tell his father that he wasn't a soldier or a paratrooper...He had been kicked-out of the Army.

He said,'Daddy I did everything right and when I got thru school, we were all in a plane and I was the last one. I couldn't jump! I looked around and the Senior Drill Sgt was behind me with his pants off.'

He told Me to Jump or he was gonna Do me like the Hicks on Deliverance!

Eunice's Father asked 'Did You Jump?'?

Eunice said 'A Little ... at first!'.

ZX9RCAM · Oct 26, 2019

Classic....

sdismukes · Oct 30, 2019

Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Bill: How many people participated in it?
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!

karlac · Nov 1, 2019

Old man Boudreaux, (87 years old) went to his doctor for a checkup before getting re-married to a voluptuous 22 year-old beauty.

The doctor tells him, "You know, Boudreaux, you're in pretty good shape for a man of your years, and I know you're getting married to that young lady, but sex could be dangerous at your age. It could even be deadly."

Boudreaux shrugs his shoulders and tells the doc, "Oh well, if she dies, she dies !"

sdismukes · Nov 1, 2019

Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely drunk mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender.
"What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," his pal replied.

sdismukes · Nov 6, 2019

Texans

Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing some real problems.. They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep. They are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their darn horses with them."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil.."

So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello -- hold on a minute." When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on!!!!"

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel -- I can't talk right now!! Red Adair has put out the fire here and now Brown & Root is installing air conditioning!!!!"

Charlie · Nov 6, 2019

sdismukes said:
Texans

Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing some real problems.. They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep. They are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their darn horses with them."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil.."

So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello -- hold on a minute." When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on!!!!"

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel -- I can't talk right now!! Red Adair has put out the fire here and now Brown & Root is installing air conditioning!!!!"

Epic!

sdismukes · Nov 9, 2019

Two good ol’ boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even.”

BRD@66 · Nov 11, 2019

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

sdismukes · Nov 13, 2019

Courtroom spectator

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying b@$tard!"

"Silence in the court!", the Judge shouted back to the man, all the while banging his gavel. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You darned tightwad!" blurted the spectator again.

"Quiet!", yelled the judge after a few more bangs of his gavel, and then continues, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout when the Judge thunders back, "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answers, "I've lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had any tools when I needed to borrow one?!"

sdismukes · Nov 13, 2019

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. Merchandise wouldn't be in until the next week.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old person is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass. Then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

SA_Steve · Nov 13, 2019

Sadly, this is a today joke:
https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/drag-queen-sashays-trump-impeachment-hearings-n1081261

sdismukes · Nov 15, 2019

Emergency Room A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?", asked the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"

Bozz10mm · Nov 16, 2019

I'm stealing some of these jokes.

DubiousDan · Nov 16, 2019

SA_Steve said:
Sadly, this is a today joke:
https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/drag-queen-sashays-trump-impeachment-hearings-n1081261

A circus does need clowns.

Pops1955 · Nov 16, 2019

DubiousDan said:
A circus does need clowns.

That ain't no queen. That is a DOG. A very ugly DOG.

BRD@66 · Nov 17, 2019

This may've been posted before but just in case....
The kindergarten teacher started school every morning by teaching the kids one new English word. She would then ask them to make sentences to show they understand the use of the word.
On this particular morning she chose the word "frugal" and explained that it has to do with 'saving', like 'if you are frugal, you save'.
The kids really had trouble trying to make sentences with this one, until eventually little Sally gets up and says she has a story...
"One day, many many years ago there was a beautiful princess who lived in a wonderful castle in a wonderful land. One afternoon the little princess went for a walk in the woods outside the castle, picking flowers as she went.
Suddenly, after a while she realized that she had lost her way and had no idea how to get back to the castle.
Fortunately just then she noticed a clearing in the woods ahead, and in the middle of the clearing sat a handsome prince on his white horse!
So she ran to the prince and said, "Oh prince, frugal me, frugal me", so he frugalled her and they lived happily ever after"

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Frugal#ixzz65YGQ7rZC

kbaxter60 · Nov 17, 2019

Today at church, our pastor told a pretty funny story. I tried to capture it in writing, but I am not sure it does him justice. Much of the humor was in his delivery and how he acted it out:

Amarillo, TX: An elderly woman enters the local newspaper office with four pages of text for an obituary for her husband, who had recently passed. She had carefully written out all of his many accomplishments, club affiliations, and survivors. And she now had four full pages of text.

The newspaper rep takes one look at the stack and says “That’s going to cost an awful lot. Obituaries are 25 cents per word.”

The woman stops. Her eyebrows raised. She straightens the stack carefully and sets all the pages aside.

“Okay, then: Sam Brown died”.

To which the newspaperman replied “I am sorry, but there is a seven word minimum for our obituaries.”

The woman pauses and looks at her hands as she silently counted. She counted again. Another pause. She counts one more time: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven fingers. A final short pause, then:

“Sam Brown died. ’88 Ford For Sale.”

sdismukes · Nov 24, 2019

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

...Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f*ck did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??

Glenn B · Nov 25, 2019

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Today's Joke Thread

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