Today's Joke Thread

Glenn B · Nov 25, 2019

One Of Those Questions Women Ask
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over.
The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds.
Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.

sdismukes · Nov 25, 2019

Two young children stood in front of a mummy case in the museum. On the bottom of the mummy case they noticed ”1286 B.C.”.
”What does that number mean?” asked the first one.
The second one thought a moment and said, ”That must be the license plate of the car that hit him.”

craigntx · Nov 27, 2019

Gilbert gotfried the aristoctats
Very nsfw not kid safe either

Bozz10mm · Nov 29, 2019

A WOMAN WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR HER FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. SHE NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, SHE REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN HER HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT SHE HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, SHE QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN HER CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED HER TEETH, SHE ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED PERSHING HIGH SCHOOL.

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A PERSHING WARRIOR,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' SHE ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", SHE EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT HER CLOSELY.

THEN HE ASKED,"WHAT DID YOU TEACH???"

Dinoble1 · Nov 29, 2019

craigntx said:
Gilbert gotfried the aristoctats
Very nsfw not kid safe either

Seen him perform in person. Unbelievably funny.

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BRD@66 · Nov 30, 2019

Bozz10mm said:
A WOMAN WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR HER FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. SHE NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, SHE REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN HER HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT SHE HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, SHE QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN HER CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED HER TEETH, SHE ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED PERSHING HIGH SCHOOL.

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A PERSHING WARRIOR,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' SHE ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", SHE EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT HER CLOSELY.

THEN HE ASKED,"WHAT DID YOU TEACH???"

Thanks. I just tweaked the school name & sent this to my hiskul reunion group.

sdismukes · Dec 3, 2019

Job Description

Someone once asked me, "What do you do now that you are retired?"

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor."

Then he asked, "What do you mean by that?"

I explained,
"My wife has told me that when she wants my F&%$ing advice, she'll ask me for it."

sdismukes · Dec 3, 2019

Biker Chick

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs... A green spot on the inside of each. "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

sdismukes · Dec 3, 2019

There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical ( SL ) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

Dinoble1 · Dec 4, 2019

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on
Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in
ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture,

no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up
here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the
professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghost?"

Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

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sdismukes · Dec 6, 2019

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

JoyJack · Dec 8, 2019

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed half dozen banana peels and apple cores in the rubbish bin. That was what probably was making her sick." The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house. "Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the minister under the bed."

pronstar · Dec 10, 2019

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, about 40 feet above a ground elevation of 2,400 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.”

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Dawico · Dec 16, 2019

A guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.
The robot says,
“What will you have?”

The guy replies, “Whiskey.”
The robot brings back his drink and asks,
“What’s your IQ?”
The guy say, “168.”
The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.
The robot asks,
“What’s your drink?”
The guy answers,
“Whiskey.”
The robot returns with his drink and asks,
“What’s your IQ?”
The man replies,
“100.”
The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, the Lions, and LSU.
The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his “experiment” that he decides to try again.
He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.
The man replies,
“Whiskey.”
The robot brings the drink and asks,
“What’s your IQ?”
The man answers,
“35”.
The robot leans in real close and asks,
“So . . . Do you folks really think you’re going to impeach Donald Trump?”

Army 1911 · Dec 16, 2019

So what's the answer

Ozzman · Dec 17, 2019

What is the loudest pet you can own?..

A Trumpet

Ozzman · Dec 17, 2019

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?..

A shoe

F350-6 · Dec 17, 2019

As much as I love guns and everything that comes with them...this is taking up too much of my time and money. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning and cooking and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be getting rid of my collection.

Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only, and please don't insult me with low ball offers. I know what my stuff is worth.

Thanks for reading and understanding my sorrow.
1. Dustpan and broom (will not break up set)
2. Sponges
3. Duster
4. Mop and bucket (again, sold as a set)
5. Lawn Mower
6. Vacuum
7. Leaf Blower
8. Laundry detergent
9. Hand Tools
10. Yard Tools
11. Pots & pans
12. Crock pot
13. Microwave
14. Stove
15. Refrigerator

Ozzman · Dec 18, 2019

What is the difference between Batman and a common thief?...

Batman can go out at night without Robin.

sdismukes · Dec 19, 2019

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you ... don't bother coming after me!"

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone ... yeah, I know ... about bloody time! I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you ... can't wait to see you ... we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote: "I can see your feet. We're outta bread. Be back in five minutes."

Today's Joke Thread

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