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Today's Joke Thread

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  • sdismukes

    Bending nails and making sawdust
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    Nov 26, 2014
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    Erath County
    Several cannibals were recently hired by Talk America.

    "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

    The cannibals promised to be good. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

    The cannibals all shook their heads no.

    After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

    A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat the secretary!
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    Dinoble1

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    A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do.

    Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a grizzly bear to their respective religion.

    A few weeks later, they meet up at the bar and the priest announces, "I found a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord. He liked it so much that he now comes to mass every week."

    The pastor says, "Well, I saw a bear in the clearing. I started reading him the Bible and he loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized next week."

    The priest and the pastor turn to look at the rabbi, who has a broken arm, a fractured collarbone, several deep cuts and black eyes. The rabbi says,"You know what? Looking back, maybe starting with circumcision was a mistake!"


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     

    sdismukes

    Bending nails and making sawdust
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    There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
    They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
    He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
    The prudish son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
    The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
     

    sdismukes

    Bending nails and making sawdust
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    Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks.

    The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity.

    Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

    Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

    "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!"
     

    Charlie

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    'Top of the hill, Kerr County!
    Not really a joke but................

    The Self-Cleaning Gene Pool:


    Eighth Place
    In Chicago, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

    Seventh Place
    A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who was "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

    Sixth Place
    While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

    Fifth Place
    Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

    Fourth Place
    Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

    Third Place
    After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

    The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

    HONORABLE MENTION
    Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 am. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

    RUNNER UP
    Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

    AND THE WINNER IS...
    Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

    The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves-Shit happens.

    IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
     

    BRD@66

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    Liberty Hill
    I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter. "Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor," I said. "Linda Jones, probation officer." "Sam Clark, public defender." "John," said the teen who was on trial. "I'm the one who stole the truck.
     
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    Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
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    THIS IS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE.
    PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS SEVEN QUESTIONS, WHICH HE
    ANSWERS QUITE SIMPLY.

    BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS AFTER ANSWERING ONLY
    ONE QUESTION FROM HIM.
    I BET THIS HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT TO MOST
    HUSBANDS OUT THERE:

    WOMAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
    MAN: YES

    WOMAN : HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?
    MAN: USUALLY ABOUT THREE.

    WOMAN: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?
    MAN: $5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)

    WOMAN: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
    MAN: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE.

    WOMAN: SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450.
    IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?
    MAN: CORRECT !

    WOMAN: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION,
    THE PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?
    MAN: CORRECT !

    WOMAN: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN’T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?
    MAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
    WOMAN: NO.

    MAN: WHERE'S YOUR AIRPLANE?




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    BRD@66

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    Jan 23, 2014
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    Liberty Hill
    Jack, a very young lad aged 4 years, says to his father, ‘Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married.’
    His father explains, ‘ For that Jack, you have to have a boy and a girl.’
    So Jack answers, ‘ I’ve already found a girl.’
    ‘ Who? ‘ splutters his Dad.
    ‘ Grandma,’ continues Jack happily.
    ‘ Now, let me get this straight,’ his father says.
    ‘ You want to marry my mother? You can’t do that.’
    ‘I don’t see why not? ‘ Jack responds,
    ‘ You married mine! ‘
     

    RoadRunner

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    Here
    aDgrdj7_460s.jpg
     

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    sdismukes

    Bending nails and making sawdust
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    Nov 26, 2014
    1,526
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    Erath County
    While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

    With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. “Just a minute,” I said, thinking of a quick solution. “I’ll put down newspapers.”

    “That’s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’m already house broke.”
     
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    sdismukes

    Bending nails and making sawdust
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    Nov 26, 2014
    1,526
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    Erath County
    Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

    On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"
    "He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

    "That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."

    "How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"

    "Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
     

    sdismukes

    Bending nails and making sawdust
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    Nov 26, 2014
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    Erath County
    A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

    HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."

    HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."

    HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."

    HER "Well, the air bag works."
     

    Charlie

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    'Top of the hill, Kerr County!
    The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel, carried
    48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men.
    This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

    However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a
    full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and
    79,400 gallons of rum."


    Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."
    Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and
    68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

    On 18 November, she set sail for England .
    In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war
    and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each. By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a
    whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

    The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799,
    with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water


    GO NAVY!
     

    avvidclif

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    Aug 30, 2017
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    Van Zandt County
    The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel, carried
    48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men.
    This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

    However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a
    full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and
    79,400 gallons of rum."


    Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."
    Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and
    68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

    On 18 November, she set sail for England .
    In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war
    and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each. By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a
    whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

    The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799,
    with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water


    GO NAVY!

    And the bottom line is
    208 days, 252,000 gal of rum, wine, & whiskey 10,000 gal of water.
    2.55 gal/day of spirits per man

    DAMN
     
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