Chili Judge

fuelfather

Well-Known
Feb 2, 2009
1,294
38
San Antonio
I found this online...I'm sure most everyone has read this one before(I have a few years ago and is always good for a laugh)...but for those that haven't, ENJOY:




INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________________________________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
___________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________________

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?

 

TxPhantom

Active Member
Apr 5, 2008
574
38
Frisco, Texas
Love it! It's been around for a while but still very funny. Here is another Texas related oldie but goodie;

Diary of a Texan...
Dear Diary:

May 30th:
Just moved to Texas...Now this is a state that knows how to
live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and
deserts blend together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park
lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love
it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in
an air conditioned home, drive an air conditioned car. What a
pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun
worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of
cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing
for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people
get used to this kind of heat? At least it's nice and windy though.
But getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body.
Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this
morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Morgan
had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over
$2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car
now smells like Kibbles and Shits!! No more pets in this heat!!

July 25th:
This wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. My air conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500
in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever
come here?

Aug 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid
repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this stupid city.

Aug 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm
going to tear his throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work
the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like
roasted freaking Garfield!!

Aug 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on
the black leather seat in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on
fire. I lost two layers of flesh. Now my car smells like burnt ass and
fried cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and
sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for two damn months and the
weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it
ever rain in this barren desert?
Water rationing will be next so $1,700 worth of cactus just
Might dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even a cactus can't live in
this damned heat.

Aug 14:
Welcome to Hell!! Temperature got to 113 today. If I had
wanted to move to Death Valley, I would have moved there instead.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the damned windshield out of
The Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for
you today?"

My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of
Jail!
 

fuelfather

Well-Known
Feb 2, 2009
1,294
38
San Antonio
I haven't seen that one in a while TxPhantom...always great for a laugh
 

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