Chili Judge

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by fuelfather, Feb 8, 2009.

  1. fuelfather

    fuelfather Well-Known

    Feb 2, 2009
    San Antonio
    I found this online...I'm sure most everyone has read this one before(I have a few years ago and is always good for a laugh)...but for those that haven't, ENJOY:


    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
    Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
    judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
    moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
    directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

    I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
    wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
    beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:



    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
    paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
    that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
    give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
    saw the look on my face.


    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
    have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
    beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
    in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.


    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
    standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
    look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an



    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very Impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
    no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
    had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
    beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
    It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    Screw those rednecks!


    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
    and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
    slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
    anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
    cursing uncontrollably.

    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
    feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
    it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
    damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
    any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
    hole in my stomach.


    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
    not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
    out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
    if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
    really hot chili?


  2. 308nato

    308nato TGT Addict

  3. Fisherman777

    Fisherman777 Well-Known

    Jan 15, 2009
    Got that in my e-mail last year. My wife laughed till she cryed while I was reading it to her. LOL
  4. DoubleActionCHL

    DoubleActionCHL Well-Known

    Jun 23, 2008
    Spring, Texas
    Beans? In Chili? In Texas? Surely you jest!
  5. Skip

    Skip TGT Addict

    Aug 26, 2008
    NW San Antonio
  6. TxPhantom

    TxPhantom Active Member

    Apr 5, 2008
    Frisco, Texas
    Love it! It's been around for a while but still very funny. Here is another Texas related oldie but goodie;

    Diary of a Texan...
    Dear Diary:

    May 30th:
    Just moved to Texas...Now this is a state that knows how to
    Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and
    deserts blend together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park
    lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love
    it here.

    June 14th:
    Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in
    an air conditioned home, drive an air conditioned car. What a
    pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun

    June 30th:
    Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of
    cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing
    for me.
    Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

    July 10th:
    The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people
    get used to this kind of heat? At least it's nice and windy though.
    But getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

    July 15th:
    Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
    Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my
    lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

    July 20th:
    I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this
    morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Morgan
    had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over
    $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car
    now smells like Kibbles and Shits!! No more pets in this heat!!

    July 25th:
    This wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. My air conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed order parts.

    July 30th:
    Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500
    in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever
    come here?

    Aug 4th:
    It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today.
    It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid
    repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this stupid city.

    Aug 8th:
    If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm
    going to tear his throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work
    the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like
    roasted freaking Garfield!!

    Aug 9th:
    Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on
    the black leather seat in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on
    fire. I lost two layers of flesh. Now my car smells like burnt ass and
    fried cat.

    Aug 10th:
    The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and
    sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for two damn months and the
    weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it
    ever rain in this barren desert?
    Water rationing will be next so $1,700 worth of cactus just
    Might dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even a cactus can't live in
    this damned heat.

    Aug 14:
    Welcome to Hell!! Temperature got to 113 today. If I had
    wanted to move to Death Valley, I would have moved there instead.
    Forgot to crack the window and blew the damned windshield out of
    The Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for
    you today?"

    My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of
  7. fuelfather

    fuelfather Well-Known

    Feb 2, 2009
    San Antonio
    I haven't seen that one in a while TxPhantom...always great for a laugh

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