Friday Joke Thread!

[Charlie]

Possibly The Best Presidential Joke of the Year

President Obama walked into the bank to cash a check. As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?"

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd-Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I order you to cash this check!"

Cashier: "Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. And, just last week, Stephen Curry came in without ID. He drained a 3 pointer into that waste basket over there by the door, and with that shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing—I have no clue as what to do.

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

 

[Moonpie]

Savage 20 can shoot?

Oh wait...........

 

[Sugar Land]

A seal walks into a club

 

[Coop45]

Hillary!

 

[robertc1024]

That's not funny. It is a joke though I guess.

 

[Texasgordo]

A day late......

 

[DubiousDan]

Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight.


"I need to talk to the president, it's an emergency!" exclaimed Hillary.

After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up.

"So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled Trump.

"A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place." begged Hillary.

"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the mortuary." replied President Trump.

'Click!'

 

[DubiousDan]

Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight.


"I need to talk to the president, it's an emergency!" exclaimed Hillary.

After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up.

"So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled Trump.

"A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place." begged Hillary.

"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the mortuary." replied President Trump.

'Click!'

WTH!

Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight.I need to talk to the president, it's an emergency; exclaimed Hillary!

After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up.

So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning, grumbled Trump?

A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place begged Hillary.

Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the mortuary replied President Trump

 

[Hoji]

An Irishman walks out of a bar..................

 

[DubiousDan]

A Very Short Gun Story

A wild eyed (and butt ugly) old woman walked into a crowded bar

in downtown Washington , DC waving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out,

"I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?"




A female voice from the back of the room called out,




"You Need More Ammo Hillary!"

 

[DubiousDan]

Wonders of nature in Texas

Daddy Long Legs
A young father in central Texas watched his small daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped both spiders flat. 'Well", she said,
"that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."

 

[karlac]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered.
“On a trip to Waco, Texas, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!
St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
“Couple of minutes ago.”

 

[vmax]

Doctor to Patient: "well, I've got some bad news. You have cancer and Alzheimers

Patient: Well at least I don't have cancer


-------

Married men should forget their mistakes
After all, there is no reason for two people to remember them.

-------

 

[karlac]

The Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 35 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" Asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "I rest my case."

 

[Moonpie]

Little Johnny walked in on Mom & Dad having an afternoon quickie in the bedroom.
Little Johnny sees them, runs up to the bed, reaches up, taps Dad on his foot and asks, "Daddy, can I climb up on your back and go for a horsey ride?"
Dad, somewhat preoccupied said, "Sure son. Whatever."
So Little Johnny climbed up on Dads back and has himself a horsey ride.
After a few moments, down below, Mom starts to moan and groan and squirm around.
Upon hearing this, Little Johnny looks down over Dads shoulder, turns, taps Dad on his shoulder and says, "Be sure to hang on tight Daddy. This is where me and the UPS guy always get bucked off!"

 

[Charlie]

Cute!

 

[karlac]

A guy boards a Delta Flight in Houston headed for New York and sits down in his seat.

Several moments later a drop dead gorgeous voluptuous blond says, excuse me but that’s my seat by the window, so he gets up and allows her to sit down.

She immediately says I see you're going to New York – I am too, going to a Nymphomaniacs Convention and I’m the Guest Speaker…. She said, not many people know but Indians are the best lovers, and Jewish men are the most endowed, and East Texas Rednecks have the most stamina … OMG she says, I’m sorry I didn’t even introduce myself…I’m Susan Best – What’s your name…

The gentleman says my names Tonto… Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.

 

[karlac]

Husband: My wife is missing! She went fishing yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure, 5-1/2 feet tall maybe.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: I have no earthly idea.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown, but not positive.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe brown now, maybe some highlights.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a t-shirt and shorts, or maybe those yoga pants things, not really sure.

Sergeant: Did she go fishing in a boat?

Husband: Yes.

Sergeant: What kind of boat was it?

Husband: A 2017 Skeeter fx21 with a 2017 Yamaha 250 SHO. 2 brand new 10' Power Pole Anchors, GoPro setup and mounts, Skeeter travel cover, TH Marine deck lights and LED strips in rod box and tackle compartments. 12" Atlas Hydraulic jackplate, Hotfoot, and TH G-Force trolling motor handle on the Minn Kota 112lb Fortrex, 4 bank Minn Kota charger. Odyssey Cranking battery and 3 New Interstate batteries, Lowrance HDS9 Gen2 at console, HDS9 Gen3 at bow w/spotlight scan, Loc-R-Bar, and Blinker Pro Trim. 64 hours on the motor and warranty good through 2021.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Boat.

 

[DubiousDan]

 

[DubiousDan]