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Friday Joke Thread!

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  • DubiousDan

    Trump 2024
    Rating - 100%
    8   0   0
    May 22, 2010
    21,498
    96
    San Antonio
    WLAAdHT.jpg
     

    EZ-E

    King Turd of Shit Mountain
    Rating - 100%
    2   0   0
    May 4, 2017
    7,628
    96
    Middle of no where
    A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

    The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

    The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

    When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

    This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

    Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

    "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare
     

    Frank59

    Wheel Gunner
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    May 14, 2018
    1,897
    96
    San Angelo
    One Sunday morning before mass a priest and a clergymen were having a conversation when the priest said: If you put holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach she will pass a baby boy!: The clergyman replied: That ain't nothing father! If you put terpintine on a cats ass he will pass a motorcycle!!
     

    Sam7sf

    TGT Addict
    Lifetime Member
    Rating - 100%
    10   0   0
    Apr 13, 2018
    12,464
    96
    Texas
    A vampire walks into a bar. Says he will have a glass of water. Bar tender looks at him funny and says "no beer? Rum? Come on man." Vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says "no man I'm not feeling well so I thought I'd have some tea".
     

    BRD@66

    TGT Addict
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Jan 23, 2014
    10,771
    96
    Liberty Hill
    Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
    The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
    The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he eats to have so much energy.
    The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
    So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
    He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
    She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
    He said, "I want five loaves."
    She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
    The old man says to himself, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
     

    EZ-E

    King Turd of Shit Mountain
    Rating - 100%
    2   0   0
    May 4, 2017
    7,628
    96
    Middle of no where
    It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite
    He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
    Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
    "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
    The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
    "What was that?" the old man asked.
    Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
    "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
    The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
     

    FireInTheWire

    Caprock Crusader
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decide to go to college. Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and logic.

    -- "What's logic?" says Bubba.

    -- "Well, let me give you an example," says the professor. "Do you own a tractor?"

    -- "Sure do," says Bubba.

    -- "Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard."

    -- "That's real good," says Bubba, in awe.

    -- "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"

    -- "Gawly!” says Bubba.

    -- "And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?"

    -- "Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

    -- "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?"

    -- "You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"

    Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Cooter is waiting.

    -- "So what classes are ya takin’?" says Cooter.

    -- "Maths, history and logic," says Bubba.

    -- "What in tarnation is logic?"

    -- "Let me give you an example," says Bubba. "Do you own a tractor?"

    -- "No."

    -- "Then you’re gay."
     

    Just Geri

    Well-Known
    Industry Partner
    Rating - 100%
    6   0   0
    Aug 5, 2009
    1,963
    96
    Ohio
    IRISH GAS STATION

    Taking a wee break from the golf course,
    Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into
    An Irish gas station.

    An attendant greets him in typical Irish
    Manner, unaware who the golf pro is...
    "Top o' the mornin to ya".

    As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees
    Fall out of his pocket.

    "So what are those things, laddie?"
    Asks the attendant.

    They're called tees," replies Tiger.

    "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?"
    Inquires the Irishman.

    "Well, they're for resting my balls on when
    I drive," replies Tiger.

    "Aw, Jesus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims
    The Irish attendant. "Those fellas at
    Mercedes think of everything."
     

    BRD@66

    TGT Addict
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Jan 23, 2014
    10,771
    96
    Liberty Hill
    Supposedly some fly fishermen use maggots for bait. They are frozen to keep them fresh. When fishing they put the frozen maggots in their mouth to thaw them out.
    Thank goodness this is posted on the joke thread & not the "tell-us-sumpin-we-don't-know thread".
     

    EZ-E

    King Turd of Shit Mountain
    Rating - 100%
    2   0   0
    May 4, 2017
    7,628
    96
    Middle of no where
    A guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver’s license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

    “Okay, Mr. Smith,” the cop says. “I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?”

    “Yes, I am.”

    “Well then, better tell me what you got.”

    Smith says, “Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There’s a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I’ve got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot.”

    “Okay,” the cop says. “Anything else?”

    “Yeah, back in the trunk, there’s an AR15 and a shotgun. That’s about it.”

    “Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?”

    “Nope.”

    “Well then, what are you afraid of...?”

    “Not a damn thing...”

    :bring:
     

    EZ-E

    King Turd of Shit Mountain
    Rating - 100%
    2   0   0
    May 4, 2017
    7,628
    96
    Middle of no where
    A Californian, a New Yorker and a Texan, attending
    a convention in a
    little town just outside Las Vegas, were
    standing in a seedy bar
    enjoying a few drinks.

    The New Yorker grabbed his wine spritzer and
    knocked it back in one
    gulp. He then threw the glass against the back
    wall smashing it to
    pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that
    the standard of living
    was so high in New York that they never drank
    out of the same glass
    twice.

    The Californian finished his margarita and threw his
    glass against the back
    wall. He loudly proclaimed that in California not
    only were they all rich
    from selling pot but they had so much sand that glass
    was cheap and he too never
    drank out of the same glass twice.

    The Texan drank his beer, drew his revolver
    and shot the Californian
    and the New Yorker. As he was returning the gun to
    his holster he told the
    wide-eyed bartender that in Texas they had so
    many Californians and
    New Yorkers they never had to drink with the same
    ones twice.
     

    Frank59

    Wheel Gunner
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    May 14, 2018
    1,897
    96
    San Angelo
    One night the richest man in the world invited friends over to see his new pool full of sharks. He announced to the attendees that anyone who would attempt to swim the length of the pool successfully would be rewarded with a lucrative gift. About that time there was a loud splash and to everyone's amazement the Mexican pool man was swimming across the pool at warp speed eventually exiting the other side unscathed. Everyone ran to the Mexican pool man to offer congratulations. The rich man told the man: Great job Paco. Now what would you like. A new car? Paco responded: No! I don't want no car! The rich man asked: Do you want a large sum of money? Paco responded: No! I don't want no dinero!! Rich man asks: Do you want a new house? Paco responded: No! I don't want no casa! Frustrated the rich man says: Well what do you want Paco? Paco says: I want the sum bitch who pushed me in the pool!!!!
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
    TGT Supporter
    Lifetime Member
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Aug 21, 2013
    11,773
    96
    Houston & Hot Springs
    Yep, day early ... going fishing tomorrow:

    A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.

    The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

    The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

    The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.

    Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

    So she went home and brought in her dog.

    She then was able to buy the dog food.

    The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.

    The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier was reluctant and said, "You might have a snake in there."

    The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

    So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like S***."

    The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy a roll of toilet paper."
     
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