Chapter 13 So a Monkey Has a Gun While guns offer the average man and woman protection and hours of fun, there are those who should not have access to firearms such as criminals, dumb children, and monkeys. Monkeys are a particular problem, as, empowered by a gun, they may shoot you and then eat your face. Also, armed with a gun, you can't use the usual method for dispatching of a monkey: injecting it in the neck with Drano™. Still, despite everyone's best efforts at proper storage (see Chapter 3), monkeys will obtain guns on occasion. When this happens, it is important you follow these tips to disarm it: Do not panic. Monkeys can sense panic and are drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Smile disarmingly. If done properly, this may cause the monkey to calm down and disarm. If it is not working, the monkey will point the gun at your head and cock it. Use some cool gun disarming move you saw in a movie. When the monkey least expects it, grab the gun from it in a flashy way. If the gun disarming move failed or the monkey has a backup gun, it will now be shrieking with rage. It would be foolish at this point to try that again. Now, draw your own gun which you should have on you... unless you're some sort of flaming homo. Aim the gun at the monkey's temple with your finger placed lightly on the trigger. Now try to reason with the monkey that using its gun can only end poorly for it. Be calm and measured in voice; the gun pointed at the monkey is threatening enough. If these steps are followed properly the monkey should now be disarmed - allowing you to either shoosh it away or inject it in the neck with Drano™ - or it should be riddled with bullets. By following proper, NRA-sanctioned gun safety, there is no reason a monkey with a gun should ruin any special occasion, whether it be a picnic, wedding, or Bar Mitzvah. Just remember the number one rule of the NRA: Don't be a *****.