I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I really believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off.
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
By this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag, with the price tag firmly affixed to the bottom and the receipt stapled to the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer, because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened.....having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail!!
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a 'bowl of jelly'.
Men are not interested in stockings unless somebody shapely is wearing them.
Having to do the HO HO HO thing all the time would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally being responsible for Christmas would require a COMMITMENT.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
Father Time - shows up once a year, unshaven, and looking ominous, definitely a guy.
Cupid - flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam - is a politician who likes to point fingers.
The Easter Bunny - takes a perfectly good basket full of eggs, and empties it willy-nilly all over the house and yard, no concern about who'll pick them up. Yep, that is a male.
Leprechauns??
Come on, the number one attraction for St. Patrick's Day
is green beer.
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
By this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag, with the price tag firmly affixed to the bottom and the receipt stapled to the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer, because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened.....having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail!!
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a 'bowl of jelly'.
Men are not interested in stockings unless somebody shapely is wearing them.
Having to do the HO HO HO thing all the time would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally being responsible for Christmas would require a COMMITMENT.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
Father Time - shows up once a year, unshaven, and looking ominous, definitely a guy.
Cupid - flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam - is a politician who likes to point fingers.
The Easter Bunny - takes a perfectly good basket full of eggs, and empties it willy-nilly all over the house and yard, no concern about who'll pick them up. Yep, that is a male.
Leprechauns??
Come on, the number one attraction for St. Patrick's Day
is green beer.
