Holiday Party Announcement

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  • AcidFlashGordon

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    Company's Holiday Party

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: Everyone
    RE: Christmas Party
    DATE: December 1


    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

    **********

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    DATE: December 2
    RE: Christmas Party


    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

    The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

    **********

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    DATE: December 3
    RE: Holiday Party


    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

    Somebody?

    **********

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    DATE: December 7
    RE: Holiday Party

    What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party. The days are so short this time of year or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?

    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

    **********

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    DATE: December 8
    RE: Holiday Party

    So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice. What do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.

    Okay???

    **********

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    Date: December 9
    RE: Holiday Party

    People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

    Could we lighten up?

    **********

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    DATE: December 10
    RE: Holiday Party

    Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^@*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes... But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

    **********

    FROM: Teri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
    DATE: December 14
    RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

    Happy Holidays!
     

    dustycorgill

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    Sounds bout right in corporate America these days. Glad I am not part of it. Im not P.C. enough to be in a corporate setting. Guess I just dont give a sh*t. Lol
     

    TXARGUY

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    My wife is the Human Resources Officer for a small local bank (15 branches).

    She got a real kick out of this and sadly it's not too far off from being completely realistic.
     

    dustycorgill

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    My wife is the Human Resources Officer for a small local bank (15 branches).

    She got a real kick out of this and sadly it's not too far off from being completely realistic.

    Doesn't it make you sick?

    Question......do we reach an age where things like this dont quite chap our hides as bad anymore? I am 41 and it pisses me off just as much now as it did when I was 20. Its just stupid.
     

    deemus

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    Doesn't it make you sick?

    Question......do we reach an age where things like this dont quite chap our hides as bad anymore? I am 41 and it pisses me off just as much now as it did when I was 20. Its just stupid.

    I kind of get it. You want to accomadate as much as you can. The reality is, my Jewish friends don't give a rats ass if you call it a Christmas party. In fact, most put up trees for their kids. I only have one Muslim friend, and she always comes to our home for the holidays. She won't eat pork, but she loves our white elephant gift exchange. But she also knows its our celebration, and for that there is no apology. But its a different thing in a corporate setting.
     

    TXARGUY

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    Doesn't it make you sick?

    Question......do we reach an age where things like this dont quite chap our hides as bad anymore? I am 41 and it pisses me off just as much now as it did when I was 20. Its just stupid.

    I couldn't do the job that my wife does and I have the utmost respect for her for being able to do it and for as long as she has.

    In 2004 she was the director of Human Resources at a major technology firm in Frisco (will not name the company) when a major workforce drawdown hit. Her responsibility was to manage the drawdown (layoffs) and she did an awesome job of placing (finding jobs for) laid off employees and creating more than generous severance packages (she fought tooth and nail with the company's board for every penny she could get for said packages).

    She was losing her job too. That didn't stop the death threats she received, her car getting scratched up or her tires cut (twice).

    I'm 42 so not too far ahead of you. I just hate people in general. Well most people anyway, you guys are cool.

    I'm an equal opportunity people hater. I don't care what color, creed, political or religious preference you are. Chances are great that I don't want you around (outside of my bros here of course).
     
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