Monday Joke Thread

[Charlie]

Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

[Charlie]

I returned a pair of Nike shoes yesterday for a refund... The clerk asked me what was wrong with them..


I told her they hurt my feet when I stood up for the National Anthem...

 

[BRD@66]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

 

[Charlie]

Excellent!

 

[BRD@66]

Two guys driving east out of Waco come to a city limits sign announcing the town of Mexia. Driver says "That's pronounced Mahair." Co-pilot says "No, it is pronounced Mex-ee-ah." Arguing, they pull into a hamburger joint in the town & say to the manager: "We've got a bet that you can decide. Please tell us how to correctly pronounce the name of this place and please say it slowly."
The manager says "Day- Ree- Kween."

 

[satx78247]

Two guys driving east out of Waco come to a city limits sign announcing the town of Mexia. Driver says "That's pronounced Mahair." Co-pilot says "No, it is pronounced Mex-ee-ah." Arguing, they pull into a hamburger joint in the town & say to the manager: "We've got a bet that you can decide. Please tell us how to correctly pronounce the name of this place and please say it slowly."
The manager says "Day- Ree- Kween."

BRD@66,

Fyi, my Grandfather's generation pronounced Mexia as: "ME-hair".
They also still called Shreveport, LA: "Shreve's Port". = Btw, Shreveport was first "named": Captain Shreve's Port.

yours, satx

 

[SloppyShooter]

BRD@66,

Fyi, my Grandfather's generation pronounced Mexia as: "ME-hair".
They also still called Shreveport, LA: "Shreve's Port". = Btw, Shreveport was first "named": Captain Shreve's Port.

yours, satx

Geeze, as I suspected now I know you didn't come from the cream of the gene pool. LOL.

How come no one said Ma hay ya?

 

[Charlie]

Geeze, as I suspected now I know you didn't come from the cream of the gene pool. LOL.

How come no one said Ma hay ya?

'Cause it's Wakko, I mean Waco! (I was born and raised in Wakko!)

 

[SloppyShooter]

'Cause it's Wakko, I mean Waco! (I was born and raised in Wakko!)

California boy?

 

[avvidclif]

'Cause it's Wakko, I mean Waco! (I was born and raised in Wakko!)

Short for "We Ain't Coming Out"

 

[seeker_two]

Two guys driving east out of Waco come to a city limits sign announcing the town of Mexia. Driver says "That's pronounced Mahair." Co-pilot says "No, it is pronounced Mex-ee-ah." Arguing, they pull into a hamburger joint in the town & say to the manager: "We've got a bet that you can decide. Please tell us how to correctly pronounce the name of this place and please say it slowly."
The manager says "Day- Ree- Kween."

Funniest part of this joke is that Mexia doesn't have a Dairy Queen......

Sent from my SM-G892A using Tapatalk

 

[Charlie]

California boy?

HELL NO!

 

[Big Green]

Funniest part of this joke is that Mexia doesn't have a Dairy Queen......

Sent from my SM-G892A using Tapatalk

But they do have the some crazy speed limits, and they come up quick.

 

[Charlie]

California boy?

What are you talking about? Or do you actually know?

 

[BRD@66]

What are you talking about? Or do you actually know?

Heck, he got falsely accused of being a yankee.

 

[robertc1024]

What are you talking about? Or do you actually know?

I think he got into your Duvel stockpile.

 

[Charlie]

I think he got into your Duvel stockpile.

Uh Oh! That's dangerous!

 

[robertc1024]

Not Monday, but close enough:

I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new 2018 F-150 aluminum pickup.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old.
The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing a “RESIST” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest.

She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a

CONSERVATIVE truck.

Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck. I explained that if it were a LIBERAL truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!

I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it.

 

[Charlie]

Classic!

 

[SloppyShooter]

What are you talking about? Or do you actually know?

Wakko???? Kalifornia????? Or do you not think Wakko is pronounced Wack O.

I say,...I say,..... That's a ....