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  • BRD@66

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    Jan 23, 2014
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    Supposed to be "new" jokes, lol....
    I know, I know.....
    One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
    her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
    warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the
    farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher
    paused then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"
    One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A
    talking chicken!'"
     

    BRD@66

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    A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

    She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone.
    He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping
    soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early,
    she decided to go the party.

    In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
    thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon
    spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with
    every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
    he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff
    that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished;
    naturally, since he was her husband.
    Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
    so off they went to one of the cars and had a little sex.

    Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
    explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading
    when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

    He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
    when you're not there."

    Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I
    never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown
    and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all
    evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy
    I loaned my costume to......."
     

    Charlie

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    'Top of the hill, Kerr County!
    A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

    She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone.
    He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping
    soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early,
    she decided to go the party.

    In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
    thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon
    spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with
    every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
    he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff
    that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished;
    naturally, since he was her husband.
    Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
    so off they went to one of the cars and had a little sex.

    Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
    explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading
    when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

    He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
    when you're not there."

    Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I
    never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown
    and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all
    evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy
    I loaned my costume to......."
    RutRow! :green:
     

    BRD@66

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    An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
    The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
    and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
    Dylan,come in or stay out!'"
     

    BRD@66

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    11. A woman was thinking about finding a pet to keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.


    The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that his bird used to live in a house of ill repute and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

    The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

    The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, two new whores."

    The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

    Moments later, the woman's husband, Ray, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Ray!"
     

    BRD@66

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    NSFW, socially unacceptable, etc.


    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

    You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
     

    Charlie

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    'Top of the hill, Kerr County!
    NSFW, socially unacceptable, etc.


    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

    You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

    Very good! :banana:
     

    BRD@66

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    Not a joke. But it made me smile:

    Bob Seger was probably riding a Honda re "Roll Me Away". No self respecting HD rider would ride for 12 hrs before stopping at a bar.
     

    BRD@66

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    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
    He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
    The letter read:
    Dear God,
    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
    Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
    Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
    Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
    Can you please help me?
    Sincerely, Edna

    The postal worker was touched.
    He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
    By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..
    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
    Christmas came and went.
    A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
    All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
    It read:
    Dear God,
    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
    Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
    We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
    By the way, there was $4 missing.
    I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

    Sincerely, Edna
     

    Hunkerdown

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    Apr 27, 2016
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    11
    Weatherford
    Found out that a friend's 16-year old daughter loves jokes. Finding ones she likes has been a little tricky. No sexy jokes but pee, poop and fart jokes are great and I learned early on that any jokes longer than two lines won't keep her teenage attention. Here are some that got her teenage seal of approval:

    Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
    Because the P is silent.

    What do you call a Mexican guy with a rubber toe?
    Roberto.

    Anti-drug assembly at [insert rival high school here]:
    "What do you say when someone offers you drugs?"
    Chorus: "Thank you!"

    Best thing about Switzerland?
    Its flag is a big plus...

    What word becomes shorter when you add two words to it?
    Short.

    HD
     

    Vaquero

    Moving stuff to the gas prices thread.....
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    Apr 4, 2011
    44,208
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    Dixie Land
    CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
    GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
    CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
    GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
    CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
    GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

    CALLER: My usual? You know me?
    GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you
    ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms
    and meatballs on a thick crust.
    CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …
    GOOGLE:
    May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,sun-dried tomatoes
    and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
    CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
    GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
    CALLER: How the hell do you know?
    GOOGLE:
    Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.
    We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
    CALLER:
    Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication
    for my cholesterol.
    GOOGLE:
    Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our
    database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once,
    at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago..
    CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
    GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
    CALLER: I paid in cash.
    GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
    CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
    GOOGLE:
    That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared
    income source, which is against the law.
    CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?
    GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping
    you.
    CALLER:
    Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the
    others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no
    cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
    GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.
    It expired 6 weeks ago…
     
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