Today's Joke Thread

[gll]

CIA recruitment test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

I expected her to shoot him, but, you know, wow...!

 

[kbaxter60]

Fellers. I THINK I may have already shared this with y'all. But I came across it again in my files today and have to be sure. So here it is (again):

Sam Brown Died - Pastor Cliff Hargrove, Western Heritage Cowboy Church, Lakehills, TX. November 17, 2019

Amarillo, TX: An elderly woman enters the local newspaper office with four pages of text for an obituary for her husband, who had recently passed. She had carefully written out all of his many accomplishments, club affiliations, and survivors. And she now had four full pages of text.

The newspaper rep takes one look at the stack and says “That’s going to cost an awful lot. Obituaries are 25 cents per word.”

The woman stops. Her eyebrows raised. She straightens the stack carefully and sets all the pages aside.

“Okay, then: Sam Brown died”.

To which the newspaperman replied “I am sorry, but there is a seven word minimum for our obituaries.”

The woman pauses and looks at her hands as she silently counted. She counted again. Another pause. She counts one more time: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven fingers. A final short pause, then:

“Sam Brown died. ’88 Ford For Sale.”

 

[BRD@66]

Fellers. I THINK I may have already shared this with y'all. But I came across it again in my files today and have to be sure. So here it is (again):

Sam Brown Died - Pastor Cliff Hargrove, Western Heritage Cowboy Church, Lakehills, TX. November 17, 2019

Amarillo, TX: An elderly woman enters the local newspaper office with four pages of text for an obituary for her husband, who had recently passed. She had carefully written out all of his many accomplishments, club affiliations, and survivors. And she now had four full pages of text.

The newspaper rep takes one look at the stack and says “That’s going to cost an awful lot. Obituaries are 25 cents per word.”

The woman stops. Her eyebrows raised. She straightens the stack carefully and sets all the pages aside.

“Okay, then: Sam Brown died”.

To which the newspaperman replied “I am sorry, but there is a seven word minimum for our obituaries.”

The woman pauses and looks at her hands as she silently counted. She counted again. Another pause. She counts one more time: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven fingers. A final short pause, then:

“Sam Brown died. ’88 Ford For Sale.”

I think you've posted this before & I think I harvested & reused it before, but I have to be sure, so.....

 

[Coop45]

The Bidens are at a fancy restaurant. The waiter asked Dr. Jill what she would like and she said the New York Strip. The waiter said, what about the vegetable? She says, he will have the same.

 

[cvgunman]

 

[karlac]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he had not told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife's from Nordakota'

 

[festering]

The woman awoke in the middle of the night to find her husband gone. She went downstairs to find him sitting and looking very depressed.

What's wrong hun?

Well you remember when we were dating and your dad came out and caught us fooling around in the back seat?

Yes she said touched that he remembered.

Well do you remember he raised a shotgun barrel and said if you don't marry my daughter you'll go to jail for twenty five years?

Yes she replied

Well he said as tears flowed down his cheeks. I would have gotten out today.

 

[tinplas]

 

[cvgunman]

Funny Jokes: Turner Brown

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Turner Brown
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A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.” The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, “What’s wrong with you?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”
The big dude looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn around’.”

 

[cvgunman]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first." "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

 

[Dawico]

Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender. Since the minimum wage was increased to $15 the owner had to replace his regular human bartender. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.” The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says,” 168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious..So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.” Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini,” and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “Uh, about 50.” The robot leans in real close and says, “So, you people still happy you voted for Biden?”

 

[Dinoble1]

Funny story.....

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[DubiousDan]

THE SHAME AND THE GLORY



A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She

downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the

shame." Then, she downs the second one and mumbles,

"This is for the glory."



A short while later, the woman orders two more shots.

Again, she downs the first one and mumbles, "This is

for the shame." Then, she downs the second one and

mumbles, "This is for the glory."



Finally, the bartender leans over and asks, "Ma'am,

I was just wondering... what's this about shame and

glory?"



"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework in

the nude. And, when I bent over to pick up the vacuum,

my Great Dane mounted me from behind."



"That must be the shame," the bartender smirked.



"No, that was the glory," replied the woman. "The

shame was when we got locked together and he dragged

me around the front yard for thirty minutes."

 

[DubiousDan]

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered,

"I was ironing a shirt and

the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked

up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your

other ear?"

"The person called back!"

 

[DubiousDan]

Whilst auditioning for a job, a pianist played one of his own compositions.

"That's beautiful," enthused the owner of the restaurant,

"What's it called?"

"Rip Off Her Clothes And Screw Her Doggy Style," replied the pianist.

The owner was a bit taken aback but told the musician to play another piece.

This tune was equally beautiful, but when asked the title the pianist

replied, "Put Your Penis In Her Mouth And Whistle A Happy Melody."

The owner was shocked and said to the pianist, "Look, I love your music but

I'll only give you the job if you keep your song titles to yourself."

The pianist agreed and started at the restaurant that very evening.

After his first set, he got up and went to the toilet. On his way back to

his piano a customer stopped him and said, "Excuse me. Do you know your

fly's unzipped and your penis is hanging out?"

"Know it?" exclaimed the pianist, "I wrote it."

 

[DubiousDan]

Two elderly ladies meet at the market after not seeing each other for some

time. One asked how the other's husband was doing.



"Oh! Rodger died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage

for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead right there in the vegetable

patch."



"Oh dear, I'm sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"



"Opened a can of peas instead."

 

[DubiousDan]

There was this middle-aged couple playing golf

The wife whacked the ball in the wrong direction and the

ball went soaring into a nearby bungalow's window

The two ran to the bungalow and there they found a man

with a turban on his head, sitting next to a broken vase

They apologized for breaking the vase and the man in the

turban said "You have done me a great favor - I am a

genie and you have released me. For this you can both

have one wish each"

The wife wished to be a pro-golfer - the Genie said "In the

morning you will be better than Tiger Woods"

The husband wished for a Million dollars - the Genie said

"In the morning you will be a Million dollars richer."

The Genie then said "But, in order for the wishes to come

true, I will have to make love to your wife".

They decided (as being a pro-golfer and million dollars richer)

it was a reasonable price to pay for the wish to come true.

The Genie took the wife to the room and started really

screwing her with passion and speed. But suddenly, halfway

through he stopped.

"How old is your husband", the genie asked the wife.

"46" the wife replied.

"And he still believes in Genies?"

 

[DubiousDan]

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down

the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says,

"I've never come this way before."



The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

 

[DubiousDan]

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical,

his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the

examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a

urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife

and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

 

[Texan-in-Training]

An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie