Today's Joke Thread

[BBL]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: The reason I stopped you is that I clocked you doing 90 in a 65 zone. May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
• Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I stashed it after I shot the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the rookie immediately called for backup. The biker was quickly surrounded by police and the supervisor approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Sergeant: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Sergeant: Whose motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, sergeant. Here's the registration.
• Sergeant: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
• Sergeant: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. I don't have any drugs.
• Sergeant: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

[Frank59]

Loraine Bobbit was driving down the interstate after she cut her husband’s pecker off when she realized she had better get rid of the evidence. She grabbed the penis and threw it across the divided median of the highway. About that same time two drunks in a beat up old truck were coming the opposite direction. The penis slammed into their windshield. The drunk in the passenger seat looked over to the drunk that was driving and said.......”God damned Joe....Did you see the Dick on that mosquito??”

 

[LeadChucker]

Two elderly southern matriarchs are sitting in rocking chairs on the retirement home porch, listening to classical music playing through the open window.

The first one turns to her friend and says, "Oh, this brings back memories! Do you recall the Minuet?"

The second one says, "Honey, at my age I don't remember the ones I f@cked!"

 

[Geezer]

 

[tinplas]

 

[Hoji]

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."



The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.



She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"



"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"



"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."



The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."



"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"



"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

 

[BRD@66]

View attachment 253517

You can tell this is an old joke based on the "outrageous" amount of the mortgage.

 

[Texan-in-Training]

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator
..
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
.
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
.
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.

 

[gll]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 

[gll]

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three-fourths', and 2/5 is 'two-fifths'."

"Thanks, I understand, "said the exchange student.

"Good," said the teacher, and then asked the student, "so how do you say 4/8?"

"Should I reduce?" asked the boy.

"That would be best," said the teacher.

"One-second," said the boy.

"Take as long as you need," said the teacher.

 

[gll]

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."

The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?"

The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion... !!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

"Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."

 

[Dougw1515]

Blew a seal

So a penguin is driving down the road and his car starts running rough and making noises. Luckily he pulls over and there's a service station. He rolls in, tells the mechanic about the trouble, and the mechanic tells the penguin that he will get right on it and to walk across the street to get some ice cream. After a scoop or two the penguin walks back and the mechanic says... "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin wipes his beak and says "no, I just had a cup of vanilla".

 

[Dougw1515]

Three Roughnecks

Three roughnecks- John, Lonnie, and Donnie- were working on a rig in the oilfield... While they were working one day, John falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up the dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, " somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie replied, "I'll do it. I'm good with the sensitive stuff." Two hours later Donnie returns with a case of beer. Lonnie asked him, "Where'd you get the beer?" Donnie told him John's wife gave it to him. Lonnie replies, flabbergasted, " Unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Donnie said, " Not exactly, Lonnie. When she answered the door, I asked her," Are you John's widow?" She says you must be mistaken, I'm not a widow." And then I said, " I'll bet you a case of beer you are."

 

[Combative W]

"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for an abortion clinic.

 

[LeadChucker]

Have you heard the one about...

A new prisoner arrives at the penitentiary and nervously fumbles his way through the day. The morning goes relatively all right and he makes it to lunch. Halfway through his baloney sandwich, someone in the chow hall yells out "Seventy Four!"

The entire hall breaks out in laughter.

Someone else yells out "Two Sixteen!" Laughter. "One Eighty Eight!" Even more laughter.

Confused, he asks an old con sitting next to him what the heck is going on. "We are telling jokes" he replies.

Seeing the look on the new guys face, the old con explains: "Look, most of us have been here for 10 plus years and heard every joke everyone's got so we got to the point we just numbered them. You know the joke about the salesman and the milk man's daughter? That's number 44. The one about the talking dog that was a spy? That's number 312."

The new guy nods in understanding. Wanting to fit in, he yells out "Eighty Nine!"

Silence.

Trying another number he yells out: "One forty seven!"

More silence, maybe even crickets.

Getting nervous, he stands and shouts "...Forty Four!...uh...Three Twelve!..

More silence and at this point people are starting to stand and leave the mess hall.

He turns back to the old con at his table and asks "What the hell happened?"

The old con shakes his head and says: "Well some people know how to tell a joke..."

 

[BRD@66]

Have you heard the one about...

A new prisoner arrives at the penitentiary and nervously fumbles his way through the day. The morning goes relatively all right and he makes it to lunch. Halfway through his baloney sandwich, someone in the chow hall yells out "Seventy Four!"

The entire hall breaks out in laughter.

Someone else yells out "Two Sixteen!" Laughter. "One Eighty Eight!" Even more laughter.

Confused, he asks an old con sitting next to him what the heck is going on. "We are telling jokes" he replies.

Seeing the look on the new guys face, the old con explains: "Look, most of us have been here for 10 plus years and heard every joke everyone's got so we got to the point we just numbered them. You know the joke about the salesman and the milk man's daughter? That's number 44. The one about the talking dog that was a spy? That's number 312."

The new guy nods in understanding. Wanting to fit in, he yells out "Eighty Nine!"

Silence.

Trying another number he yells out: "One forty seven!"

More silence, maybe even crickets.

Getting nervous, he stands and shouts "...Forty Four!...uh...Three Twelve!..

More silence and at this point people are starting to stand and leave the mess hall.

He turns back to the old con at his table and asks "What the hell happened?"

The old con shakes his head and says: "Well some people know how to tell a joke..."

In acknowledgement of this joke, an old friend and I have, for the last 20 years, greeted each other by saying "14".

 

[jrbfishn]

In acknowledgement of this joke, an old friend and I have, for the last 20 years, greeted each other by saying "14".

Your maturity and emotional age?

Sent by an idjit coffeeholic from my SM-G892A using Tapatalk

 

[BRD@66]

Your maturity and emotional age?

Sent by an idjit coffeeholic from my SM-G892A using Tapatalk

yes and yes.

 

[jrbfishn]

I had to up mine to 15. The girls were asking how I got a drivers license at 14.

Sent by an idjit coffeeholic from my SM-G892A using Tapatalk

 

[BRD@66]

I had to up mine to 15. The girls were asking how I got a drivers license at 14.

Sent by an idjit coffeeholic from my SM-G892A using Tapatalk

Unlike young whippersnappers like you, I got my DL when I was 14.