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Today's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Rants and Raves' started by Charlie, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. sdismukes

    sdismukes Bending nails and making sawdust

    Nov 26, 2014
    Erath County
    • Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
    • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
    • A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
    • My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
    • Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
    • Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
    • I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
    • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
    • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
    • I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
    • I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
    • If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
    • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
    • Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
    • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    • Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
    • Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
    • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

    kbaxter60, Big Green, karlac and 4 others like this.
  2. JoyJack

    JoyJack New Member

    Feb 9, 2019
    Breckenridge, Texas
    A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

    "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed half dozen banana peels and apple cores in the rubbish bin. That was what probably was making her sick." The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house. "Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the minister under the bed."
  3. pronstar

    pronstar TGT Addict TGT Supporter

    Jul 2, 2017
    A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, about 40 feet above a ground elevation of 2,400 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

    She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

    "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

    "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

    The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

    "I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

    "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.”

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
  4. Dawico

    Dawico Uncoiled Lifetime Member

    Oct 15, 2009
    Lampasas, Texas
    A guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.
    The robot says,
    “What will you have?”

    The guy replies, “Whiskey.”
    The robot brings back his drink and asks,
    “What’s your IQ?”
    The guy say, “168.”
    The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
    After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.
    The robot asks,
    “What’s your drink?”
    The guy answers,
    The robot returns with his drink and asks,
    “What’s your IQ?”
    The man replies,
    The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, the Lions, and LSU.
    The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his “experiment” that he decides to try again.
    He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.
    The man replies,
    The robot brings the drink and asks,
    “What’s your IQ?”
    The man answers,
    The robot leans in real close and asks,
    “So . . . Do you folks really think you’re going to impeach Donald Trump?”
  5. Army 1911

    Army 1911 TGT Addict

    Mar 17, 2008
    Dallas Texas or so
    So what's the answer
  6. Ozzman

    Ozzman Active Member

    Aug 17, 2015
    El Paso, Texas
    What is the loudest pet you can own?..

    A Trumpet
    Dad_Roman likes this.
  7. Ozzman

    Ozzman Active Member

    Aug 17, 2015
    El Paso, Texas
    What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?..

    A shoe
    Bozz10mm, ZX9RCAM and Dad_Roman like this.
  8. F350-6

    F350-6 TGT Addict

    May 25, 2009
    As much as I love guns and everything that comes with them...this is taking up too much of my time and money. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning and cooking and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be getting rid of my collection.

    Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only, and please don't insult me with low ball offers. I know what my stuff is worth.

    Thanks for reading and understanding my sorrow.
    1. Dustpan and broom (will not break up set)
    2. Sponges
    3. Duster
    4. Mop and bucket (again, sold as a set)
    5. Lawn Mower
    6. Vacuum
    7. Leaf Blower
    8. Laundry detergent
    9. Hand Tools
    10. Yard Tools
    11. Pots & pans
    12. Crock pot
    13. Microwave
    14. Stove
    15. Refrigerator
  9. Ozzman

    Ozzman Active Member

    Aug 17, 2015
    El Paso, Texas
    What is the difference between Batman and a common thief?...

    Batman can go out at night without Robin.
  10. sdismukes

    sdismukes Bending nails and making sawdust

    Nov 26, 2014
    Erath County
    A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you ... don't bother coming after me!"

    Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

    After a short while, the husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

    After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

    "She's finally gone ... yeah, I know ... about bloody time! I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you ... can't wait to see you ... we'll do all the naughty things you like."

    He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

    She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

    Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote: "I can see your feet. We're outta bread. Be back in five minutes."

    orbitup, jimbo, Bozz10mm and 8 others like this.

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