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Today's Joke Thread

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  • karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
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    A middle aged lady was thinking she was looking old. She considers plastic surgery.

    She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

    On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 32,” is the reply. “I’m exactly 47,” the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

    She replies, “I guess about 29.”

    ” Nope, I’m 47.”

    Now, she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

    The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

    Again she proudly responds, “I am 47, but, thank you.”

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks a senior gentleman the same question.

    He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands on your breasts. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are.”

    They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.”

    He begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay, how old am I?”

    He completes one last squeeze, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 47.”

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

    The old man replies, “Promise you won’t get mad?”

    “Promise,” she says.

    He replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s”.
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    tinplas

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    Screenshot_20220912-225822.png
     

    Texan79423

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    I have a 80 year old neighbor lives alone that I watch out for. He ask me to take him to the doctor. Seems his penis had turned orange and he was really concerned.
    Doc took one look at him and said it is pretty common in elderly men. Doc told him he had two ways to cure the problem either quit eating Cheetos or quit watching porn.
     
    Last edited:

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
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    A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

    "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

    "Thanks," says the little boy.

    As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

    "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

    The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
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    Graham Martin is in Hospital:

    Who the hell is GRAHAM?

    Well Graham is the geezer who got home late one night and Helen his wife, says. "Where the hell have you been?"
    Graham replies. "I was getting a tattoo!"
    "A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
    "I got a hundred dollar note on my privates." He said proudly.
    "What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"
    "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
    Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
    Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
    And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."

    Graham is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
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    At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

    Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

    "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

    "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

    "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

    "No way. It's just too risky!"

    "Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

    "No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

    "Oh yes you can. Please?"

    "NO, no. I just can't."

    "Pleeeeease?..."

    Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
     

    benenglish

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    At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

    Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

    "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

    "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

    "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

    "No way. It's just too risky!"

    "Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

    "No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

    "Oh yes you can. Please?"

    "NO, no. I just can't."

    "Pleeeeease?..."

    Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
    Posted to YouTube 15 years ago:

     
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