The first time I heard her i seriously thought it was a joke. What adult talks like this.
Today's Joke Thread
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I am convinced that they find it funny to put up absolute losers and watch us suffer. Just look at the passel of losers on stage last prez primary. All confirmed losers, save maybe Tulsi Gabbard.
Seriously, I believe we have grounds for a class-action lawsuit.
US Citizens vs The DNC.
Christine Blasey Ford
Two Californians, moving to Austin, took a wrong turn at Albuquerque & found themselves eastbound on US84, east of Waco. At Prairie Hill there was a sign announcing that it was 18 miles to Mexia. They argued about the correct pronunciation of that next town. One says it's pronounced Muh-hey-ya & the other thinks it is Mex-ee-ah. When they get there, they go in the first business they come to and ask the cashier. “How do you pronounce the name of this place and say it really slowly so we can understand.” The lady replied “Day-ree Queen”.
A man was lying at a grave crying his eyes out and sobbing very loud.
A woman happened by and heard him. She stopped and listened a bit to make sure he was alright. He just kept wailing, “ OH, how could you have died!? I was so happy and had everything that I wanted until you died! I was the happiest that I’d ever been until you passed! Why, Oh why did you have to die!?”
Upon hearing that, the woman tried to comfort him, asking, “ This must have been a very loved person, your wife?”
To which he replied “ Oh Hell no! Her first husband!”
A woman happened by and heard him. She stopped and listened a bit to make sure he was alright. He just kept wailing, “ OH, how could you have died!? I was so happy and had everything that I wanted until you died! I was the happiest that I’d ever been until you passed! Why, Oh why did you have to die!?”
Upon hearing that, the woman tried to comfort him, asking, “ This must have been a very loved person, your wife?”
To which he replied “ Oh Hell no! Her first husband!”
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever, and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
“Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.”
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They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever, and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
“Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.”
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Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one
looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening
to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!' The first one
says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I! And what street did you live on in
Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I
lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith and begorrah it's a small world. So did
I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of
course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me,
what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub
tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 me self!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and
mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again!'
looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening
to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!' The first one
says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I! And what street did you live on in
Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I
lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith and begorrah it's a small world. So did
I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of
course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me,
what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub
tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 me self!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and
mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again!'
I have been meaning to add this one for a while, but it's too long, so you only get a link. Two jokes in one!
Notre Damme's bellringers
www.ebaumsworld.com
A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless. Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Strudle, and said "It is a little tepid."
His parents, of course shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied: "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."
His parents, of course shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied: "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."
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Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic "what's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "FAG"
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/winnersjokes/rednecklogicjoke.html
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/winnersjokes/rednecklogicjoke.html
Man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
