Hurley's Gold

Today's Joke Thread

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  • single stack

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    Oct 27, 2011
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    A Texas cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

    He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

    The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

    The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

    The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day, because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

    The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

    After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
    Texas SOT
     

    bigtex10mm

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    Fayette Co.
    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

    A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

    The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

    The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

    She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it means that you called for me."

    Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.

    He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

    Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. " Did you call for me?" asks the hairy man.

    "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

    "You must be new" says the hairy man. "It's a rule here that if you fart, it means that you called for me."

    The huge man then easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

    The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back, and you can keep the $250 membership fee".

    "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

    The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old - I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."
     

    Hoji

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    May 28, 2008
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    Mustang Ridge
    A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

    He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.

    When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

    So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

    He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)

    All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

    When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife

    and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."


    "Hasn't affected my brothers though
     

    Dad_Roman

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    Teague
    Two Californians, moving to Austin, took a wrong turn at Albuquerque & found themselves eastbound on US84, east of Waco. At Prairie Hill there was a sign announcing that it was 18 miles to Mexia. They argued about the correct pronunciation of that next town. One says it's pronounced Mex-ee-ah & the other thinks it is Mex-ee-ah. When they get there, they go in the first business they come to and ask the cashier. “How do you pronounce the name of this place and say it really slowly so we can understand.” The lady replied “Day-ree Queen”.
    If your from out of State its....Mex-ee-ah

    If your in State its.......Muh-hey-ya

    If your from there its .....my- Hair
     

    General Zod

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    Kaufman County
    This was my dad's favorite joke...


    A woman is in line at the grocery store. She puts a bag of carrots, a half-gallon of milk, a box of cereal, a package of chicken breasts, and a bottle of wine on the belt when it's her turn to check out. The drunk behind her watches, then glances at her, then back at her groceries.

    "You're single, ain't cha?" the drunk blurts out.

    The woman is annoyed, but a little confused. "I am," she admits. "How did you know?"

    "Well, I could see it!" he declares. "Right in front'a me!"

    "You could see it? So what tipped you off? Was it the carrots?" she asks.

    "No. Wasn't the carrots."

    "The milk?"

    "Nope. Not the milk."

    "The cereal?"

    "Not the cereal."

    "So...it was the chicken then?"

    "Naw," the drunk says, "Everyone eats chicken."

    Then she smiles. "So...it was the wine."

    "Nope. Not the wine."

    Now she's even more confused. "But you said you could see something that told you I'm single! What was it?"

    The drunk peers at her and grins. "Welp. I can see you're pretty damn ugly!"
     

    Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
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    Southeast FL
    A man on an overnight business trip was having a drink in his hotel bar when a beautiful woman sitting accross from him smiled and came over and sat next to him.

    He offered to buy her a drink and after talking for a while she placed her hand on his leg and squeezed it. He was getting turned on so he invited her up to his room.

    She moved her hand higher up his leg and squeezed harder and told him she would be happy to join him. Then she asked if he realized she was a working girl. He asked what it would cost and she said $200 for a one time frolic and she guaranteed she would get him off.

    He thought that was a high price but he was getting hornier by the minute and then figured what the hell, he was hundreds of miles from home, with a hot woman, and just couldn’t let this opportunity pass by. So they agreed on $200 and he was sure it would be money well spent and so up to his room they went.

    When they got to the room she told him to undress and get in the bed while she got ready in the bathroom.
    After a couple of minutes she opened the bathroom door totally naked and said “are you ready for me”? As she turned toward the bed she saw him sitting up masturbating furiously with both hands.

    She asked him why in the world was he masturbating when he could have his way with her?
    He answered “I’ll be done in a minute and then we can start fooling around. Did you think that for $200 you would get to give me the easy one?”


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     

    baboon

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    Out here by the lake!
    A Great Dinner Prayer


    Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 8-year-olds grandson asked if he could say grace."


    As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets me ice cream for dessert. and liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!”


    Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why -- I never!"


    Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"


    After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.


    He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."


    "Really?" my grandson asked.


    "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this wholething), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.”

    Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember for the rest of my life.

    He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

    With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here ma'am, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. You must be a Democrat, shove it up your ass and cool off!"
     

    BRD@66

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    Jan 23, 2014
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    Liberty Hill
    A Great Dinner Prayer


    Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 8-year-olds grandson asked if he could say grace."


    As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets me ice cream for dessert. and liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!”


    Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why -- I never!"


    Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"


    After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.


    He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."


    "Really?" my grandson asked.


    "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this wholething), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.”

    Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember for the rest of my life.

    He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

    With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here ma'am, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. You must be a Democrat, shove it up your ass and cool off!"
    If this story was about anyone's kin but yours, I'd think it was a joke but....
     

    Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
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    Southeast FL
    A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.”
    The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
    A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
    A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”
    The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.


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    MountainGirl

    Never underestimate the abilities of an old woman.
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    Ten Oaks
    tgt110.jpg
     

    BRD@66

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    Liberty Hill
    A guy goes to the vet, says “I need meds for my constipated calf”. Doc , produces meds, & says give it 2 of these tonight & two more over the next 24 hours. Vet doesn't hear from owner again but meets him on the street. Doc says “How's that constipated calf doing?” Owner says “Calf? No doc I said CAT!” Vet says “OMG, I gave you a dose for a calf! How's your cat? Owner says “I don't know. The last time I saw him, he & 9 of his friends were heading out over the hill. 3 were digging, 3 were burying, & 3 were scouting out new territory.”
     

    Dinoble1

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    Southeast FL
    Jane always had an attraction for Tarzan.
    So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex
    "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.
    Jane then explained to him what sex was.
    Tarzan said"Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of
    tree."
    Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
    She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
    "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, " you must putit in here.
    Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane hisconsiderable manhood, stepped closer to her andkicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
    Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
    Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed:
    "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
    "Check for bees." he responded.


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    striker55

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    Katy
    Paddy was telling Mick about his first skydive: When I got to the door I couldn’t jump. So the 6 ft 7” instructor unzipped his fly and drops his 8” and says if you don’t jump, you’re going to get this up your arse!!!
    Mick asks: Did you jump?
    Paddy replies: A little bit when it first went in
     

    BBL

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    Feb 8, 2021
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    TX
    Paddy was telling Mick about his first skydive: When I got to the door I couldn’t jump. So the 6 ft 7” instructor unzipped his fly and drops his 8” and says if you don’t jump, you’re going to get this up your arse!!!
    Mick asks: Did you jump?
    Paddy replies: A little bit when it first went in
    Nah, if Paddy was a real Paddy, he would have said "A wee bit, lad".
    I call fake noose! :D
     
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