Today's Joke Thread

[ZX9RCAM]

I hadn't seen my best buddy for a while and decided to call at his house to see how he was doing. He invited me in and I asked how things were

“Not good to be honest,” he told me. “My wife went out, supposedly to get some milk, and then sent me a text saying she's left me and isn't coming back”.

I was devastated for him and tried to sympathise… “ How are you coping?, I asked.

He shrugged his shoulders and said “Well, ok I suppose… I've been using that powdered stuff.”

 

[MountainGirl]

Chris and Doug, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Doug didn't show up. Chris didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Doug hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chris really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Chris didn't know where Doug lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Chris figured he had seen the last of Doug, but one day, Chris approached the park and – lo and behold!--there sat Doug! Chris was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Doug, what in the world happened to you?'

Doug replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Chris. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Doug said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Chris, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

 

[Geezer]

On a flight from London to New York City It was only discovered after take off, they didn't have enough meals for all the passengers.


However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.


A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, “Ladies and gentleman, we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners.


Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight!”


Her next announcement came 5 hours later.


“Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 200 dinners available.”

 

[ZX9RCAM]

A man goes on vacation and asks his brother to look in on their mother and his cat. After a few days he calls his brother to get a report.

“How are things?” he asks.

“The cat died,” his brother answers.

“That’s not how you give someone bad news!” he says.

“How should I tell you?” his brother asks.

“You could say the cat went out on the roof. You crawled out after it, but it jumped to a tree. You called the fire department, and they brought a hook and ladder and went up after the cat. But the cat jumped and fell to the ground. You took the cat to the vet, and they did everything they could, but the cat died. That’s how you give someone bad news.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” his brother said.

“So how’s Mom?” the man asks.

“She’s on the roof.”

 

[General Zod]

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.
At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm."

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:

"Wha for Scotland's king and law,
Freedom's sword will strongly draw?
Freeman stand or freeman fa'--
Let him follow me!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

 

[cycleguy2300]

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.
At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm."

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:

"Wha for Scotland's king and law,
Freedom's sword will strongly draw?
Freeman stand or freeman fa'--
Let him follow me!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

I love the Scots language and their poetry.

At one time I could recite all 42 stanza in the version of The Ballad of Tam Lin I preferred

Sent from my SM-S918B using Tapatalk

 

[General Zod]

I love the Scots language and their poetry.

At one time I could recite all 42 stanza in the version of The Ballad of Tam Lin I preferred

Sent from my SM-S918B using Tapatalk

I'm definitely a fan of Burns and most of his work. I might stumble over some of the words now, but I knew his Bannockburn ("Scots Wha' Hae") poem word for word a few years ago.

 

[cycleguy2300]

I'm definitely a fan of Burns and most of his work. I might stumble over some of the words now, but I knew his Bannockburn ("Scots Wha' Hae") poem word for word a few years ago.

The Corries are one of my favorite folk groups and do a good rendition of many Burns works.

Sent from my SM-S918B using Tapatalk

 

[General Zod]

The Corries are one of my favorite folk groups and do a good rendition of many Burns works.

Sent from my SM-S918B using Tapatalk

Their extra verse for "Scotland the Brave" makes me laugh every time.

 

[Hoji]

An Irishman walks out of a bar…….

 

[General Zod]

A Scots Highlander was walking down the road to Inverness one day when he saw a tourist stop and kneel to take a drink from a flowing burn that trickled down the hillside from a field full of Highland cows (aka "Heelant Coos") to a nearby loch. "Och, laddie!" he called out, "Dinnae drink frae' tha' water! It's frae th' coo pasture - it's full o' pish an' shite frae th' coos!"

"My dear sir!" the tourist called out, somewhat irritably, "I will ask you to address me in the King's English, as I am an Englishman and will accept nothing less! Now, what were you attempting to tell me?"

The Scot raised an eyebrow. "I was sayin', my friend, that it's a bit of a hot day, so ye should make sure ye drink yer fill."


Edited to add...a coo.

 

[robertc1024]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

 

[1911'S 4 Me]

Today's joke:
Our president is as sharp as a tack,
and as honest as a saint.

 

[Lonesome Dove]

Why are so many Chinese nationals crossing the border?



Cuz they like to Wok.

 

[robertc1024]

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 300 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."...

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse"

"My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.


The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied , "Get in line.”

 

[RoadRunner]

I bought my wife a smart phone. It didn't work.

 

[Wudidiz]

A lady walked into the drug store and asked if they had any extra large condoms. The clerk said "yes, ma'am would you like to buy a box?"
The lady replied "No but if you don't mind I'd like to wait around and meet whoever does"

 

[robertc1024]

How the cow ate the cabbage

---

Once upon a time, a circus came to a small rural town. While they were putting up the big top, a baby elephant escaped and found his way to a little old lady’s garden up the road. The lady in our story couldn’t see very well, but she was alarmed enough to call the police and report a cow in her cabbage patch pulling up her cabbages with his tail. The policeman on the other end of the line listened patiently, “I see. So a cow is eating your cabbage, ma’am? We’ll send someone right out.”

“Excuse me,” the lady said, “I never said he was eating ‘em.”
“No?” The policeman replied. “Then what is he doing?”
The woman hesitated before responding quietly, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you!”

 

[General Zod]

An Irishman walked into a pub and ordered three pints of Guinness. The bartender looked at him, then looked around. "All three just for ye'self, then?"

The Irishman shook his head. "No, for me an' me two brothers, who are overseas! We've agreed to go into a pub at the same time, and we have three beers at the same time so it's like we're drinkin' together."

Touched, the barman gives the Irishman a smile. "Brotherhood. Ye can't top it, lad." He pours three pints and hands them over and watches as the Irishman takes them to a table, checks his watch, and takes a long drink of the first one at the appointed time and eventually finishes all three.

The next week, the Irishman is back. Same deal - three pints of Guinness for him and his absent brothers. Every week the same, and everyone in the bar comes to know the tradition and offer a cheerful greeting as the man - who they eventually come to know is named Brian, carries out his weekly ritual. Before long, the three draughts of stout are waiting for him when he arrives on the appointed day.

Then one day, Brian comes in, heaves a big sigh, and only takes two pints of Guinness. A gasp goes around the bar. "Brian, my friend..." the barman stammers. "I'm sure I speak for everyone when I offer ye my deepest condolences for your loss..."

"What do ye mean?" Brian asks.

"Two pints instead of three...is one'a your brothers...?"

Brian's eyes widen. "Oh, no, no! It's just that I've given up drinkin'." He smiles as he takes his two pints of Guinness to the table. "Luckily, me brothers haven't!"

 

[robertc1024]

.."A man gets a text from his neighbor":
I am so sorry, Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you do. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, he got a second text message from the guy:
Damned autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife."