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  • ZX9RCAM

    Over the Rainbow bridge...
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    2   0   0
    May 14, 2008
    59,732
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    The Woodlands, Tx.
    d8ce6994_92f0_4b90_be9d_2965c44c7e46_4a228b1f877ecdb038faf0a74eb2bc28e47825d0.jpeg
    Hurley's Gold
     

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    Dinoble1

    Well-Known
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    Dec 19, 2016
    1,030
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    Southeast FL
    Due to the current upset situation caused by the Corona Virus in the economy, the current Administration has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of
    50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

    Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

    A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

    Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

    Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

    Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always
    prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

    Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the
    SHIT you can handle.

    Sincerely,
    The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

    PS - Due to recent budget cuts as well as current market conditions, The
    Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
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    PhulesAu

    TGT Addict
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    4   0   0
    Jul 26, 2013
    3,515
    96
    Texas, Mostly
    Due to the current upset situation caused by the Corona Virus in the economy, the current Administration has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of
    50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

    Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

    A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

    Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

    Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

    Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always
    prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

    Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the
    SHIT you can handle.

    Sincerely,
    The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

    PS - Due to recent budget cuts as well as current market conditions, The
    Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    Somebody has 2 much time on their hands ✋
     

    Glenn B

    Retired & Loving It
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    Sep 5, 2019
    7,450
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    Texarkana - Across The Border
    A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

    "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

    The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

    "Are - my - test - results - back?"
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
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    Aug 21, 2013
    11,772
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    Houston & Hot Springs
    Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

    DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
    JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.
    SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
    BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
    AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.
    HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
    GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
    DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
    BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
    AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
    JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
    AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
    OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
    ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
    NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
    DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
    KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.
    GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
    BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
    BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
    ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
    COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
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    Aug 21, 2013
    11,772
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    Houston & Hot Springs
    One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

    Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

    Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says," Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing"?

    "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious"?)

    "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

    "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

    "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket."

    "For reading a book"? she replies.

    "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.

    "But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

    "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."

    "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

    "But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

    "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

    "Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.

    MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
     

    karlac

    Lately too damn busy to have Gone fishin' ...
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    Aug 21, 2013
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    Houston & Hot Springs
    Sixty-two year old Clovis Badeaux went to doctor Gaspard for a check up. Doc him, is amazed at the great physical condition Clovis is in. "How you stay in such good shape?" Doc axe.

    "Well, I'm a Cajun fisherman, all my life I work hard. Before day light I'm out and down da bayou."

    Doc say, "I'm sure dat helps. Dere's got to be more to it. How old was you papa when he died?"

    "Who said my papa's dead?"

    Amazed, Doc Gaspard say, "Your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

    Badeaux answer, "Well, he's 82 and he's a Cajun fisherman too. He's out fishing today."

    Doc him says, "Dats great but I'm sure dere is more to it den dat. How old was his dad wen he died him?"

    Badeaux says, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

    Stunned, Doc axe, "You mean your papa is 82 and your grandpa is still living?" "Incredible, how old is he?"

    "He's 99-years-old," answer Badeaux.

    Doc is frustrated him so he axe, "So I guess he's a Cajun fisherman who's out fishing today?"

    "No," answer Badeaux, "He couldn't go today cause he's getting married for da fort time."

    Doc Gaspard is close to losing it. He says, "Getting married. Why would a 99 years old guy want to get married?"

    Badeaux look rite at da doc and said, "Who say he wanted to?"
     

    DubiousDan

    Trump 2024
    Rating - 100%
    8   0   0
    May 22, 2010
    21,498
    96
    San Antonio
    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: To get to the other side.

    Q: Why did the millennial cross the road?
    A: Because CNN said it was the right thing to do.

    Q: Why did the boomer cross the road?
    A: Because he f@#king felt like it.
     
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    Aus_Schwaben

    First to know - Last to care!
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    5   0   0
    Jan 31, 2019
    3,760
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    Abilene, TX
    Back when football was getting started, a manager asked a very successful scout how he managed to find such excellent prospects. The scout said, I drive around the country in the rural areas. When I see a likely prospect plowing, I ask him for directions. If he picks and points the direction with the plow, I sign him.
     

    kbaxter60

    "Gig 'Em!"
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    0   0   0
    Jan 23, 2019
    9,902
    96
    Pipe Creek
    Dad shared one last night that originated with His dad's brother-in-law:
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An elderly couple was getting to the point that their memories were going.

    One evening, the wife said to the husband “I am going to the kitchen. Can I get you anything?”

    The husband says “I would like some ice cream. Now write that down, so you don’t forget.”

    “And I would like strawberries on top. Write that down.”

    “And some chopped pecans. Write that down!”

    Off to the kitchen the woman goes. She is gone for a very long time.

    When she finally comes back, she is carrying a plate of bacon and eggs.

    Shocked, the man exclaims: “You forgot the toast.”
     
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