Today's Joke Thread

[Axxe55]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this f*****g badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE........ !

 

[Axxe55]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The
surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small
knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to
tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of
course, the woman wanted, "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the
effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After 15 years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to
turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now,
I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get
rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
are your breasts."

She replied, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

 

[Axxe55]

A Californian and an Texan were deer hunting in the brush of south Texas when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Texan takes careful aim, shoots and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Californian.

"It's legal here in Texas " replies the Texan.

Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer from Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer and runs away. The Californian draws his pistol, shoots and kills him. As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas !" protests the Californian.
"Well, yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

 

[Axxe55]

HEREIN IS THE ANSWER TO AN AGE OLD QUESTION

Subject: Guts or Kahunas

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Kahunas”.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Kahunas”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

KAHUNAS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion!

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; "Both are Fatal"!

 

[HKSig]

The Californian draws his pistol, shoots and kills him.

Where'd a Californian get a pistol?

 

[Axxe55]

Where'd a Californian get a pistol?

He borrowed it from the Texan. Duh!

 

[Hoji]

Last week, without much media fanfare, Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.
Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.
The day after, President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.
Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all.”
The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."

 

[BBL]

Subject: Guts or Kahunas

That joke was likely copied&pasted from some northern source that has no idea that it is spelled "cojones". SMH

 

[pronstar]

When my wife says she isn't feeling well, I give her a silent COVID test... if she smells it, then I know she doesn't have it


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

 

[contender buff]

 

[tinplas]

 

[ZX9RCAM]

 

[baboon]

Linux Assailant

 

[jrbfishn]

Linux Assailant

I see what you did there.

Sent by an idjit coffeeholic from my SM-G892A using Tapatalk

 

[Hoji]

 

[Axxe55]

Years ago, after a night of rousing sex with a beautiful young lady, I rolled over and lit a cigarette and started to smoke it.

The young lady, asked me a question, "Do you always smoke after having sex?"

To which I replied, "It would be rude if I smoked during sex, don't you think?"

She wasn't as amused at my humor as I was for some reason!

 

[AKM47]

There was a accident on the interstate, a independent, republican and a democrat were killed
They're standing in front of St. Peter, he tells them if they can tell him what is in the room they are free to go, they nod ok
The independent goes in first and has a horrifying look on their face, they see barbwire encampments, soldiers with guns and people being tortured, turns to St. Peter and tells him they are in a police state, St. Peter says you are right, you may go and the independent disappears
The republican goes in and has the same horrifying look, turns to St. Peter and says this is a police state, St. Peter says you are right, you may go and the republican disappears
The democrat goes in and looks around, but has a big grin on their face, a confused St. Peter asked why the big grin, the democrat says I made it to heaven

 

[festering]

An older couple, who were both widowed for some years now, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work out together.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on and on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently ", she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

 

[BRD@66]

If you look up "optimist" in the dictionary:
3. On my way home one day, I stopped to
watch a Little League baseball game that was being played in a
park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-
base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
With a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you
don't look very discouraged.'

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a
Puzzled look on his face...

'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
Been up to bat yet.'

 

[Army 1911]

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO’S “WHO’S BEEN POKED"?





Bud: ‘You can’t come in here!’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Well because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick.’
Bud: ‘It doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘Well, why does that guy get to go in?’
Bud: ‘Because he’s vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But he’s sick!’
Bud: ‘It’s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Yes.’
Lou: ‘So then why can’t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Because you’ll make them sick.’
Lou: ‘How will I make them sick if I’m NOT sick and they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘But they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘So what the heck does the vaccine do?’
Bud: ‘It vaccinates.’
Lou: ‘So vaccinated people can’t spread covid?’
Bud: ‘Oh no. They can spread covid just as easily as an unvaccinated person.’
Lou: ‘I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Look. I’m not sick.
Bud: ‘Ok.’
Lou: ‘And the guy you let in IS sick.’
Bud: ‘That’s right.’
Lou: ‘And everybody in there can still get sick even though they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Certainly.’
Lou: ‘So why can’t I go in again?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘I’m not asking who’s vaccinated or not!’
Bud: ‘I’m just telling you how it is.’
Lou: ‘Never mind. I’ll just put on my mask.’
Bud: ‘That’s fine.’
Lou: ‘Now I can go in?’
Bud: ‘Absolutely not?’
Lou: ‘But I have a mask!’
Bud: ‘Doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘I was able to come in here yesterday with a mask.’
Bud: ‘I know.’
Lou: So why can’t I come in here today with a mask? ….If you say ‘because I’m unvaccinated’ again, I’ll break your arm.’
Bud: ‘Take it easy buddy.’
Lou: ‘So the mask is no good anymore.’
Bud: ‘No, it’s still good.’
Lou: ‘But I can’t come in?’
Bud: ‘Correct.’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But the mask prevents the germs from getting out.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but people can still catch your germs.’
Lou: ‘But they’re all vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but they can still get sick.
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick!!’
Bud: ‘You can still get them sick.’
Lou: ‘So then masks don’t work!’
Bud: ‘Masks work quite well.’
Lou: ‘So how in the heck can I get vaccinated people sick if I’m not sick and masks work?’
Bud: ‘Third base.
And...scene...