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Today's Joke Thread

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  • robertc1024

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    An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor”
    “Of course child. What may I do for you”
    “Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me.. Hide it under your robes perhaps”
    “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”
    “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she replied.
    When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare”
    “From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”
    The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor”
    Father replied, “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.”
    Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”
     

    robertc1024

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    A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way,
    folks...like I said – my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."

    Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you ? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now ?”

    The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

    The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened ? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

    The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

    God Bless The Scots !
     

    sdismukes

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    True story, thinking of the priest and the hair dryer.

    My parents had gone to Austria to see the Lippenzaner Stallions perform. They had bought a beautiful and pricy porcelain statuette of one of the horses.

    It was going to exceed the customs limit by a large margin. The customs agent asked Pop if he had anything to declare. “Just a White Horse”, he said. “You have good taste in whisky” said the agent, snd let him through.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     

    BillM

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    The Car Accident​

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    A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
    The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay you'll walk again and everything however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
    The man groans but the doctor goes on "You ...have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
    The man perks up.
    "So" the doctor says" You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you’ve been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now she might be disappointed. It's important that she play a role in helping you make a decision."
    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
    The doctor comes back the next day, "So have you spoken with your wife?"
    "Yes I have" says the man.
    "And has she helped you make a decision?"
    "Yes" says the man.
    "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
    "We're getting granite counter tops."
     

    BRD@66

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    A blonde detective​

    A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

    "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

    The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

    The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

    The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

    The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

    He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

    The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

    He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

    "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
     

    avvidclif

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    The Fireman

    A fireman come home one day and informs his wife that in the future they would have sex on the bell system
    Bell 1 I'm in the mood get ready
    Bell 2 Strip and head for the bed
    Bell 3 Get after it.

    A few days later he comes in and hollers Bell 1, she complies.
    Bell 2 and the clothes are flying
    Bell 3 and the action is on
    A few seconds later she hollers Bell 4

    He stops and hollers what is Bell 4

    She replies More Hose you're nowhere close to the fire
     

    karlac

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    A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

    She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

    In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

    The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

    The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

    He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care...they turned you down."
     

    striker55

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    Say out loud:

    One smart man, he felt smart.
    Two smart men, they felt smart.
    Three smart men, they all felt smart.

    Say it three times.
    ;)
     

    Hoji

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    A Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I would like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution."

    The president's eyes opened wide and he said, "That is a kindly notion, sir. We will be pleased to accept it."

    "There's a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree."

    "No problem," said the president. "That can be arranged."

    "For my horse," said the Texan.

    And now the president got to his feet in shock. "For your HORSE?"

    "Yes, my mare, Betsy. She's carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I would like to have her receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."

    "But we can't give an honorary degree to a horse."

    "I'm sorry to hear you say so, because in that case I can't give you a million dollars."

    "Well, wait a minute," said the president, sweating profusely. "Let me consult the board of trustees."

    The board was convened in a hurry and listened to the story in various degrees of shock and disbelief, all except the oldest trustee, whose eyes were closed and who seemed asleep.

    One trustee expressed the general opinion, "We can't give a horse an honorary degree, no matter how much money is involved."

    At this point, the oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Just take the money and give the horse his degree."

    Said the president, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"

    "Of course not," said the oldest trustee. "It would be an honor. It would be the first time we ever gave an honorary degree to an ENTIRE horse."
     

    single stack

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    So, you think there is a monster in your closet?
    Yeah, a big scary monster.
    Do you know that mom and I share a nice big closet?
    Sure.
    Do you know why the big scary monster isn’t in our closet?
    No.
    The monster is scared of mom.
    Okay.
    He’s not in your closet to get at you, he’s hiding from mom.
    Don’t tell mom where the monster is. He has enough problems.
     
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