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Today's Joke Thread

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  • MountainGirl

    Never underestimate the abilities of an old woman.
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    Dec 22, 2022
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    Subject: The Rabbi is leaving

    **********

    At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that, because of his growing family, he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
    There was a hush within the congregation.
    He was so popular, no one wanted him to leave.

    Fred Shapiro, who owned several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stood up and proclaimed,
    "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
    The congregation sighed in appreciation and applauded.

    Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stood and said,
    "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

    More sighs and loud applause.

    Estelle Rubin, age 88, stood up, smiled and announced, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

    There was total silence.

    The rabbi, blushing, stood up & asked her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

    Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, was trying to hide, holding his forehead with the
    palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied:

    "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F$@k him!
    Capitol Armory ad
     

    Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
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    Two men go to a convenience store.
    One of the men asks for a pack of condoms, and the lady at the counter gives the condoms, no questions asked.
    One week later, the same two men enter the same convenience store. The same man asks the same woman for a pack of condoms. He receives the condoms, no questions asked.
    Every week, the two men would go to the same convenience store and the same man would ask for a pack of condoms from the same lady that worked there. The lady would get more and more annoyed as
    every week passes by.
    One week, after the men leave the convenience store, one of the men asks the other, "Every week you go to this store and ask for a pack of condoms, but you have
    no girlfriend. Why?"
    The man replies, "The girl working there is my ex-girlfriend.”


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    Texan79423

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    Jun 7, 2021
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    Flatlands
    My partner is an engineer and he told me an engineer gave god the design for a woman. Puzzled I ask what makes you think that?

    He replied because and engineer would never put the playground so close to the sewer
     

    DubiousDan

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    My partner is an engineer and he told me an engineer gave god the design for a woman. Puzzled I ask what makes you think that?

    He replied because and engineer would never put the playground so close to the sewer
    If I'm reading this correctly an engineer gave God the design for a woman but God decided not to use it.
     

    MountainGirl

    Never underestimate the abilities of an old woman.
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    A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

    The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

    The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

    Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

    The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
     

    Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
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    IMG_4566.jpg



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    Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
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    Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.
    A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar. I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked
    the worst possible one to start with.
    Here's the joke I told:
    "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?”
    “Throw in your laundry”
    One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was
    epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
    Obviously, I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
    "No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."


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    General Zod

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    Sep 29, 2012
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    Dave was having a bad day at work. Dropping tools, getting sidetracked with random emergencies, and at one point he slammed his tools down and walked off the floor to avoid breaking something.

    His boss saw all of this, and not wanting a bad day to ruin Dave's career, he pulled Dave aside. "Hey, man. You're having a shitty day," he told Dave. "I know how it can be - look, you're a great employee and I don't want to have to write you up or anything. Why don't you take a long lunch and relax. In fact, you know what I like to do when I'm having a shitty day? I go to my house, surprise my wife and carry her to the bedroom, and have wild monkey sex with her till we're both exhausted and happy, then come back and have a better afternoon. You ought'a do the same."

    That afternoon, Dave strolled in with a smile on his face and a spring in his step. Soon his backlog was gone and he was breezing through his tasks for the day. "Hey," his boss said, "Looks like your day got better!"

    "Yeah, it did!" Dave smiled. "I did exactly what you said, and it made everything better!"

    "Great to hear!"

    "And you know,' Dave added, "You've got a really nice house."
     

    Eastexasrick

    Isn't it pretty to think so.
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    Jul 2, 2022
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    Doctor says to long time patient, " I'm sorry old friend but there is nothing that can be done, it is terminal, I give you a couple of weeks"

    But Doc, there has to be something, something you can think of.

    Well yes, there is one thing, mud baths, take a mud bath everyday, for as long as you live.

    How will that help?

    You will get used to the taste of dirt.
     

    Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
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    A Woman Walks Into A Butcher shop Just
    Before Closing and Asks,"Do You Still
    Have Chicken?"
    The Butcher Opens His Deep Freezer, Takes Out The Only Chicken Left and Puts It On The Scale, And It Weighed 1.5 lbs.
    The Woman Looks At The Chicken and At The Scale And Asked, "Do You Have One That's a Bit Bigger Than This One?"
    The Butcher Puts His Only Chicken Back Into The Freezer, and Then Takes It Out Again, But This Time When He Puts It On The Scale,He Craftily Keeps His Thumb on The Scale And The Scale Now Showed 2
    Lbs.
    "That's Wonderful" Said The Woman.
    "I'll Take both Chickens Please”.


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    Dinoble1

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    Dec 19, 2016
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    Southeast FL
    A lady goes in a super market and asked the clerk where are the onions?
    The clerk tells her that we have no onions and if she would like to come back later and
    check the truck should have come and there will be onions.
    She leaves and comes right back and asked thes ame question. Where are the onions? At this the clerk says to her, you look like a smart lady what do you get when you take the straw out of strawberry?
    Berry she says.
    Right. Now what do you get when you take the water out of watermelon?
    Melon she said.
    Right again so what do you get when you take the **** out of onions?
    Well there's no **** in onions she said. That's what I’v been trying to tell you!


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    Big Dipper

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    Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

    One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

    The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

    Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

    When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

    Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, ‘fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
     
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