Green: All is quiet: Our government has successfully lied to us and we actually believe we're in good shape. Yellow: Minimal Alert: Someone in the State Department, White House or DOD let something slip. Robert Gibbs was unable to stumble through the official lie, er... statement and Fox News believes something is up. CNN is reporting on Obama's new tie and Keith Olbermann is admiring his Obama plate collection. Orange: Potential Threat: Someone with apparent authority has corroborated Fox News’ claim, CNN has acknowledged the story, but assures Americans there is nothing to worry about. Wolf Blitzer reports on Michelle Obama’s chin reduction, and encourages Americans to take a Valium. Red/Orange: Sort-of Apparent Theat: The Drudge Report and Fox News have published photos, videos and eyewitness accounts. CNN publishes similar media, but spins the story appropriately. Robert Gibbs is stammering like Mel Tillis on crack, and MSNBC airs a special entitled “1000 Things We Can Blame on Bush.” Red: Apparent Threat: All news channels are reporting the threat. CNN has switched from denial to fear mongering. Robert Gibbs is lying behind the podium in a slobbering fetal position. President Obama is scheduled to speak; Michelle and kids proudly waiting to the left of the podium. Air Traffic Controllers report Air Force One traveling in a southerly direction at mach 1.2. Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews reminisce about the thrill running up their legs, while swilling Jack Daniels on the air. Bright Purple: Holy Sh#t: Only Fox News is still transmitting; remaining stations have evacuated and surrendered. Robert Gibbs is wearing a diaper and pledging his allegiance to our next leader, whoever that might be. There are unconfirmed reports that Air Force One attempted to land in Venezuela, but was turned away. Keith Olbermann has been reduced to a puddle of pinkish slime. Responsible Americans, suitably armed and stocked with water and MREs, are fighting to retain their nation. Liberals, Democrats, sheep and vegans are being herded into concentration camps. Barney Frank, wearing pink taffeta and stiletto heels, has volunteered to provide “relief effort” to the occupying forces.