*****Official Joke of the Day Thread****** OR Aaron's Domain
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A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Re: *****Official Joke of the Day Thread******
Mike and Bob had been going on the same camping trip for many years. Two days before they were to leave, Bob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Mike was very upset that his buddy couldn't go, but what could he do.
Two days later Mike arrived solo at the camping site only to find Bob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Hey Bob, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my new chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So, Here I am."
Mike and Bob had been going on the same camping trip for many years. Two days before they were to leave, Bob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Mike was very upset that his buddy couldn't go, but what could he do.
Two days later Mike arrived solo at the camping site only to find Bob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Hey Bob, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my new chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So, Here I am."
Re: *****Official Joke of the Day Thread******
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny - period.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Velcro: what a rip off!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
and...
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny - period.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Velcro: what a rip off!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
and...
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
Re: *****Official Joke of the Day Thread******
A lady takes her sleeping cat to the vet and says, "My cat won't wake up!"
The vet examines it and says, "Ma'am your cat is dead."
She responds, "No way. Impossible. Run more tests please."
The vet brings out a labrador retriever and has it sniff the dead cat, and the dog nods to the vet. The vet also brings out a live cat, and it does the same thing.
The vet says, "Ma'am, you cat is DEAD. Here is my $1500.00 bill."
"$1500.00??? For what???"
"Ma'am I just ran a lab report AND a cat scan."
A lady takes her sleeping cat to the vet and says, "My cat won't wake up!"
The vet examines it and says, "Ma'am your cat is dead."
She responds, "No way. Impossible. Run more tests please."
The vet brings out a labrador retriever and has it sniff the dead cat, and the dog nods to the vet. The vet also brings out a live cat, and it does the same thing.
The vet says, "Ma'am, you cat is DEAD. Here is my $1500.00 bill."
"$1500.00??? For what???"
"Ma'am I just ran a lab report AND a cat scan."
Re: *****Official Joke of the Day Thread******
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me,like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried..
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me,like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried..
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Re: *****Official Joke of the Day Thread******
A family outing to the zoo...
Little girl is taken to see the elephants and she sees something long hanging from the male elephant's belly.
"Mum, what's that long thing?" That's his trunk. "No, the other end." That's his tail. "No, UNDER the elephant."
Mum is fairly embarrassed and tells her daughter "Oh, that's nothing."
Not satisfied with her Mum's answer, the little girl asks Dad.
"Dad, what's that long thing?" That's his trunk. "No, the other end." That's his tail. "No, UNDER the elephant."
Dad looks at his daughter and says "That's his penis. Why do you ask?"
Little girl says "Well, Mum said it was nothing."
Her Dad shakes his head and mutters "I tell you, sometimes I spoil that woman!"
A family outing to the zoo...
Little girl is taken to see the elephants and she sees something long hanging from the male elephant's belly.
"Mum, what's that long thing?" That's his trunk. "No, the other end." That's his tail. "No, UNDER the elephant."
Mum is fairly embarrassed and tells her daughter "Oh, that's nothing."
Not satisfied with her Mum's answer, the little girl asks Dad.
"Dad, what's that long thing?" That's his trunk. "No, the other end." That's his tail. "No, UNDER the elephant."
Dad looks at his daughter and says "That's his penis. Why do you ask?"
Little girl says "Well, Mum said it was nothing."
Her Dad shakes his head and mutters "I tell you, sometimes I spoil that woman!"
Re: *****Official Joke of the Day Thread******
A penguin is driving thru Nevada. His car breaks down in a small town off the highway. The Penguin stops in at a body shop.
Mechanic " well it's going to take an hour for me to figure out the problem, take a look around the town and come back in about an hour"
Penguin " Ok"
He walks around the town, and notices it is real blistering hot out. Walking along he discovers and ice cream shop. He stops in and orders a large bowl of vanilla ice cream. His flippers are unable to hold the fork, so he just starts shoveling ice cream into his mouth. He makes an enormous mess.
He heads back to the body shop and the mechanic turns to him and says
" looks like you blew a seal"
Penguin " NO it's just ice cream" !
A penguin is driving thru Nevada. His car breaks down in a small town off the highway. The Penguin stops in at a body shop.
Mechanic " well it's going to take an hour for me to figure out the problem, take a look around the town and come back in about an hour"
Penguin " Ok"
He walks around the town, and notices it is real blistering hot out. Walking along he discovers and ice cream shop. He stops in and orders a large bowl of vanilla ice cream. His flippers are unable to hold the fork, so he just starts shoveling ice cream into his mouth. He makes an enormous mess.
He heads back to the body shop and the mechanic turns to him and says
" looks like you blew a seal"
Penguin " NO it's just ice cream" !
Re: *****Official Joke of the Day Thread******
A young lady was explaining to me that there are four kinds of female orgasms.
- Positive: "oh yes, oh yes!"
- Negative: "oh no, oh no!"
- Spiritual: "oh God, oh God!"
- Simulated: "oh Putter, oh Putter!"
A young lady was explaining to me that there are four kinds of female orgasms.
- Positive: "oh yes, oh yes!"
- Negative: "oh no, oh no!"
- Spiritual: "oh God, oh God!"
- Simulated: "oh Putter, oh Putter!"
Re: *****Official Joke of the Day Thread******
The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” get an erection.
I’ll never forget the look on her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills !
The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” get an erection.
I’ll never forget the look on her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills !
Re: *****Official Joke of the Day Thread******
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Re: *****Official Joke of the Day Thread******
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband : "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him : "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied : "they had eggs"
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband : "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him : "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied : "they had eggs"
Re: *****Official Joke of the Day Thread******
A teenage girl arriving home from school asks her mother, "Is it true what the teacher told us today?"
"What's that?" the mother replied.
"That babies come from the same place that boys put their penises," the daughter said.
"Yes it is dear," mother said, glad that the subject had finally come up at school.
"But when I have a baby," the girl responded, "Won't it knock my teeth out?"
A teenage girl arriving home from school asks her mother, "Is it true what the teacher told us today?"
"What's that?" the mother replied.
"That babies come from the same place that boys put their penises," the daughter said.
"Yes it is dear," mother said, glad that the subject had finally come up at school.
"But when I have a baby," the girl responded, "Won't it knock my teeth out?"
Re: *****Official Joke of the Day Thread******
I was in Costco, pushing my shopping cart around, when I collided with a young guy also pushing a cart.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy said, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. Then I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy said "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
I was in Costco, pushing my shopping cart around, when I collided with a young guy also pushing a cart.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy said, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. Then I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy said "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
Re: *****Official Joke of the Day Thread******
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us ,also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us ,also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Re: *****Official Joke of the Day Thread******
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'
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