Official Off Topic Joke Thread - 2011

[matefrio]

We all love jokes. Let's keep them all in one thread though.


Man comes into an emergency room beat up pretty bad in his Sunday best. The doctor asks what happened.

"Well," the guy explains "I was sitting in church and enjoying the sermon when it comes time to sing a hymn. We all stand up and the gal in front of me is huge, but what gets me is her skirt is all caught up in her butt crack. This must have been the longest hymn ever and that skirt was annoying me something crazy. As politely as I could I reached over and pulled it out."

"Wow!" The doctor comments, "She did this to you in church?"

"Yep, I'l l never do THAT again" said the guy.


Three years later the guy comes in again this time in a coma and beat so bad the Dr didn't even recognized him at first but being a Sunday and the guy in his church close he pulls the file and sure enough it was the same person.

Weeks later the guy wakes up from the coma, the Doctor comes in and asks what happened.

"I thought you said you'd never do that again." states the doctor looking at the long list of injuries.

The patient gives a sigh, "It wasn't like that at all, I was trying to help her out. I'd invited Joe, my friend who needs religion in his life right now, to come to church with me. We were sitting right behind this same lady and we got up to sing. Joe, my best friend in the world, sees the skirt and points it out to me. Despite my telling him no, several times, he pulls it out of her crack."

"Why didn't he get the beating?" asks the doctor.

"That's just it." he states confused "I don't understand. I knew she didn't like that so I tucked it back in for her"

 

[cfell]

Texas Ted was driving through Pecan Island, Louisiana when he noticed a man on the side of the road, waving his arms and pounding a 'puffed up' chest.

TT wasn't sure the guy was "ok", so he eased up to him and hollered out the truck window.. "Hey, y'all awlright over there? Looks like you may be having a problem?"

Tbro replied, "No, sir, I am doing great... I'm just admiring my land... my Daddy just died and left this land to me... that's MY LAND!"

TT said.. "Oh, sorry for your loss of your Dad, how much land did he leave you?"

Tbro said "I dunno for sho... mebbe 14-13 aker... but that's MY LAND my DADDY gave me!"

TT said... "I know what you mean...I have land in Texas my Pop gave me, too!"

Tbro said "Oh, how much you got?"

TT said.. (Proudly) "I'm not really sure.. but I can tell you this.. when I get up in the morning and the sun is just peeking over the edge, I start driving with the sun at my back and when the sun is JUUUUST hitting the other side, about to blink out, I'm just getting to the other side."

Tbro said.. "Keeyaw..I know what you mean.. I had a truck like that once."

 

[barstoolguru]

great will do

 

[barstoolguru]

the blind man


A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.

"Can I come in?" a male voice asks.

"Who is it?" the woman asks.

"It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door.

The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway".

The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?"

 

[rifletex91]

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.

The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

 

[just jk]

thank you matefrio....

 

[barstoolguru]

Official rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
​

 

[barstoolguru]

one day on the golf course :

a man having a bad day on the golf course thinks how he could improve his game when

stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

 

[TrailDust]

A couple of guys are playing golf in Ireland and tee off on a hole. The first man hooks his drive into the rough on the left side of the fairway, while the second man slices his drive into the rough on the right side. Putting their clubs away in their golf bags, they both stroll off to find their balls.


After a while the first man finds his ball and it's sitting in a patch of Buttercups. It's a bit of a difficult shot with all the flowers around, so he chooses a 5-iron, lines up his shot, swings, and takes out a huge divot sending Buttercups flying through the air. The next thing he knows he hears a Poof!, and a pissed off Leprechaun suddenly appears in front of him.


"What the hell do you think you're doing to my Buttercups!" the Leprechaun shouts.


"Hey, I just took my shot and tore up a bunch of stupid flowers," the first man answers. "What's the big deal?"


"Because those are MY flowers!" the Leprechaun screams, getting even madder.


"So what," the first man answers dismissively with a wave of his hand. "Who gives a shit about a bunch of stupid flowers?"


"Okay, just for that," the Leprechaun says, waving his magic walking stick while casting a spell, "since you destroyed my precious Buttercups you'll never taste the flavor of butter again for the rest of your life."


"Wow!" the first man says, shocked. "That kind of bums me out because I really love the taste of butter."


The Leprechaun nods in satisfaction.


After thinking about it a few seconds, the first man, still bummed out about his misfortune, looks across the fairway to where the second man, unaware of what has happened, is lining up his own shot in the rough. The first man calls out to him, "Hey, what kind of flowers are you standing in over there!"


The second man turns and answers, "I'm standing in a bunch of Pu**y Willows!"


The first man, terrified, shouts back, "Whatever you do, don't swing that club!!!"

 

[barstoolguru]

war games

during an Army war game a commanding officer’s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction." ​

 

[barstoolguru]

actual Radio Conversation

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

​

 

[barstoolguru]

the marine way

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight." ​

 

[Kyle]

Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. . . A lot cheaper than a doctor. So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart. That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant with Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5 . If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

 

[lalonguecarabine]

Joe and Mike are out hunting when Mike says that he has to take a dump, and goes behind some bushes.
After being behind the bushes for a few minutes, Mike yells out "DAMN! I got nothing to wipe with. You got some paper, Joe?"
Joe yells out "Oh - just use a dollar!"

After hearing Mike grumbling and cussing behind the bushes for a few minutes, Joe is surprised to see Mike walk out from behind the bushes - with doo-doo smeared all over his hands, arms, chest, back, etc.
Joe exclaims "GODDAMN, MIKE - WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED BACK THERE?!"
Mike tells him "Boy - that sure was some rotten advice you gave me! Not only am I covered with shit, but now I've got four quarters stuck up my ass!"

 

[matefrio]

From Pen State to State Pen.

 

[barstoolguru]

the shirt pocket

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
​

 

[barstoolguru]

take two;

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra.

The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30."

The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"You probably could, if you took 2 pills", said the first man.
​

 

[barstoolguru]

push ups;

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."​

 

[Vaquero]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.​

​

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'​

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[Glockster69]

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I'll admit it, I've done many of those.

Wire wheel most goodest