I am at a Crossroad with my father

[TX69]

Some time ago I had posted a question about how to take care of elderly parents. http://www.texasguntalk.com/forums/off-topic-chat/65504-elderly-parents.html where some of responded with some good advice. Thank you.

I am now at a point with my father that has been building for more than a decade concerning his wife. For those of you that have been down the path of divorce and have either lost a father or came close to it please chime in with your experience.

The problem of my father being run over by this whore has now gotten into our phone calls between my father and I. We live 800 hundred miles apart so obviously I cannot just drive over and fix things. She will listen in (eavesdrop) on calls and now has my father believing and telling me that this is the way its going to be! When I call him she will hover around him listening in on the call and like clock work, about 15 -20 minutes into the call, she will appear and tart to distract him. So much so my father cannot focus and our call and he just go blank. Seriously he just stops talking,then starts mumbling, then will suddenly start having a conversation with her and the phone goes dead.

I am on the other end about to explode with rage.

So this last call they were in the car when I called and he picked up and immediately put me on speaker. He did not say that she was in the car and proceeded to talk to me if he was alone. I figured it out and told him we would talk later and he asked why. I told him that I will not have conversations with him with someone eavesdropping in on our calls. He yelled back at me and I hung up.

I m not going to go back through all that has happened to my family but it has been an ugly scene of events over the years. My parents divorce happened when I was 12 and that was like a WWE event or all of the adults involved. Lots of fighting, police, drinking all around two young children. Since then the home wrecking gutter whore Step Mommy has been causing small problems all along the way ad now we've arrived to the end of days and its gotten worse.

I am asking TGT and especially those that have been in this position what you did to move past something like this. For me the problem is every phone call I have the knowledge she is there listening in and interrupting each and every time. Others keep telling me to "suck it up" and just brush it off. I cannot do that.

I am at a crossroad with my father and I'm not sure what to do?

 

[baboon]

You have one father. If the whore makes him happy be happy for him. My parents never divorced, buy my mom dies @ 53. My dad dated a few women, one he really liked. Her daughter ruined it & my dad walked away. Next one he hooked up with tried to overwhelm him with sex. He figured that out in short order. He finally figured out there was no replacing my mom & ended up living out his life single for the last 20 years of his life.

My dad lived in Northern Illinois & I talked to once a week. I was never real close to him up until I moved away. My older brother & sister lived 30 minutes away from him. My brother was a workaholic & never had time for him. My sister tried to do everything for him & it didn't help, as he was independent up until he died.

Family affairs change thru life. Life is to short not to enjoy it & you should hope the same for your dad.

 

[Moonpie]

Tough spot.

You really can't do anything. The woman is controlling him and short of removing him away from her you can not change the situation.

Maybe buy Pop a cheap cell phone that doesn't have speaker?

 

[ByrdMan]

I'm not gonna be much help on what to actually do but as far as communication goes, can you take a weekend and go talk to him/them in person? Seems you could better get your point across and have some sort of control over the situation that way.

What would you like the end result of the situation to be in a perfect world?

 

[Mike1234567]

Without knowing all of the facts it's impossible for anyone to advise you. One very big problem is people tend to see things through their own eyes, hear things with their own ears, feel things with their own heart, and process things through their own brains.

Please don't be offended but you appear to be extremely angry and resentful. Maybe that's justified. No one here can possibly know. We can only read of one man's perspective and that only comes in tiny bits as filtered through your intentions and feelings. I'm sure those intentions and feelings are good but, often times, our best intentions are misguided due to skewed perceptions.

So... no one can offer any specific advice because we have no idea what's really happening in your father's life.

 

[Major Kong]

I feel your pain brother.

My parents divorced when I was 18. Fortunately it was amicable, and they remain friends to this day. A couple years later Dad remarried, while Mom went and got herself a respiratory therapy degree and married her work.

In the early years, stepmom was okay to be around and deal with. We (my brother and I) could ask Pops for help with something and he would do everything within his power to provide that help. Eventually it became "Let me check with ______ first". It became clear to me as I grew older (and went to therapy for my own issues) that in addition to being an alcoholic, he was very co-dependent. As I have learned the two often go hand in hand, and co-dependency can be just as debilitating for people as alcoholism. When you put the two together, it is like watching a person die. When there is death, physically or emotionally, there will be a grieving. One must accept it, deal with it, and move on. There were several years where we hardly spoke to my father.

My stepmother has passed away, Dad has been sober for several months, and he is returning to the person that I remember before he became so consumed with what _____ would think or say. Unfortunately, true to character, after moving him to Katy from New Orleans, he met another woman at the assisted living facility and has developed a very close relationship with her. Now she isn't calling the shots, but I for one would like him to truly be on his own. I just don't think he can do it.

I am not sure if this rambling has helped, but it sure has been cathartic for me.

Hang in there.

MK

Sent from a B-52 flying over Russia.

 

[Dawico]

Feel free to ignore me as I don't know the sordid details of your life. I may be totally off base.

Your father has made his choice. He chose her over you. Let him know what you want from your relationship but know that his desire is different. He may say that he wants to be close to you but he has already shown otherwise.

As a father I couldn't imagine pushing my children away for a woman, even if it was their mother. I just can't wrap my mind around something like that.

Tell him how you feel and walk away. He doesn't sound like he is worth the effort and heartache honestly.

Take my input for what it is worth though. Just an outsider peeking in through a small window.

 

[Byrd666]

Look, I'm going to answer this Without reading another reply.

My Father and I had some rather serious, and I DO mean serious problems/troubles/fights/ etc. ffing, etc. between us. It was only after I ended up in the hospital, damn near in a vegetative state, that we once again started speaking. And by speaking, I mean, we actually started TALKING to one another.

Fast forward, seriously forward, about, ten or so years, we are talking one day, over "breakfast", when he asks me a question that absolutely floors me. He was however, nice enough to wait until I had finished eating and had lit my second +- smoke before asking. "Do you think (wife/stepmother) is greedy?" HOW THE FUU AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT?? Is my first thought. Second thought, and without hesitation, stutter, mirth, or thought, was a very resounding and deliberate, "YES."

My father was a man that was Very quick to anger but, very slow to talk when so. And while I saw a fleeting, almost minute, spark, of anger there when I answered, what I saw the most in his eyes, was almost a look of understanding. The kind of look that says "I told you he would say that." And it shortly followed with a verbal justification of my thinking.

My father and I had an unsaid understanding that started when I was playing baseball, and when I was watching him bowl. I'd ask him, he'd ask me. And 99.99% of the time, the other was correct. They had even waited until my Tour was over to get married. He even asked me just a bit before the wedding what I thought. I remember I was working graveyard, and a part time day job so probably didn't give two shits at the time. But, I DO remember that after the ceremony, I told him, this ain't right. Something along those lines. Let's just say, it took until I was almost dead before we spoke again.

Look Man, my Father meant the world to me, and it has taken me almost an two hours to write this little bit. If I'da had my 'druthers, I would have walked up to that greedy, mind bending,c-word, and said "Get your fucking claws out of my FATHER!" My Pop has been gone over a decade, and I STILL fret over that. And no, me, nor my sis got squat to speak of. The @&^%*(*( either took/stole, or threw out my stuff, my pops stuff, and grandpops stuff. Including tools, guns, personal items, mementos, etc.

My point is, we all need a wake up slap once in a while, might be time to give one 'for it's tooo late.

 

[TX69]

You have one father. If the whore makes him happy be happy for him. My parents never divorced, buy my mom dies @ 53. My dad dated a few women, one he really liked. Her daughter ruined it & my dad walked away. Next one he hooked up with tried to overwhelm him with sex. He figured that out in short order. He finally figured out there was no replacing my mom & ended up living out his life single for the last 20 years of his life.

My dad lived in Northern Illinois & I talked to once a week. I was never real close to him up until I moved away. My older brother & sister lived 30 minutes away from him. My brother was a workaholic & never had time for him. My sister tried to do everything for him & it didn't help, as he was independent up until he died.

Family affairs change thru life. Life is to short not to enjoy it & you should hope the same for your dad.

No offense to you but that phrase or those similar to it irk me the most. I cannot reward bad behavior and being happy for my fathers choice in a woman that has torn my family apart is not something I can ever "be happy about or for in a father. People in the USA bitch and complain that the family unit as fallen apart but I am supposed to honor my father and be happy for his whoring? I am not on board with that and I have paid a price for my non=compliance.

 

[TX69]

Tough spot.

You really can't do anything. The woman is controlling him and short of removing him away from her you can not change the situation.

Maybe buy Pop a cheap cell phone that doesn't have speaker?

She guards the mail so there's no way of getting past that, I tried.

 

[TX69]

Look, I'm going to answer this Without reading another reply.

My Father and I had some rather serious, and I DO mean serious problems/troubles/fights/ etc. ffing, etc. between us. It was only after I ended up in the hospital, damn near in a vegetative state, that we once again started speaking. And by speaking, I mean, we actually started TALKING to one another.

Fast forward, seriously forward, about, ten or so years, we are talking one day, over "breakfast", when he asks me a question that absolutely floors me. He was however, nice enough to wait until I had finished eating and had lit my second +- smoke before asking. "Do you think (wife/stepmother) is greedy?" HOW THE FUU AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT?? Is my first thought. Second thought, and without hesitation, stutter, mirth, or thought, was a very resounding and deliberate, "YES."

My father was a man that was Very quick to anger but, very slow to talk when so. And while I saw a fleeting, almost minute, spark, of anger there when I answered, what I saw the most in his eyes, was almost a look of understanding. The kind of look that says "I told you he would say that." And it shortly followed with a verbal justification of my thinking.

My father and I had an unsaid understanding that started when I was playing baseball, and when I was watching him bowl. I'd ask him, he'd ask me. And 99.99% of the time, the other was correct. They had even waited until my Tour was over to get married. He even asked me just a bit before the wedding what I thought. I remember I was working graveyard, and a part time day job so probably didn't give two shits at the time. But, I DO remember that after the ceremony, I told him, this ain't right. Something along those lines. Let's just say, it took until I was almost dead before we spoke again.

Look Man, my Father meant the world to me, and it has taken me almost an two hours to write this little bit. If I'da had my 'druthers, I would have walked up to that greedy, mind bending,c-word, and said "Get your fucking claws out of my FATHER!" My Pop has been gone over a decade, and I STILL fret over that. And no, me, nor my sis got squat to speak of. The @&^%*(*( either took/stole, or threw out my stuff, my pops stuff, and grandpops stuff. Including tools, guns, personal items, mementos, etc.

My point is, we all need a wake up slap once in a while, might be time to give one 'for it's tooo late.

Byrd66 thanks and it was very brave of you to spill that out. Believe me I know how hard it is to express these things. For me my father was never round as he was always working. Then he met this slut and boom I had no father at 12 but from time to time he would have us over to his newer apartment or wherever he was staying It was creepy to sleep over at these places with all osrts of people coming and going that I/we didn't know.

My father and I never fought since he was never around. He did have time to drink and find a girlfriend but he only ever attended one baseball game I was in and I played for 9 years.His wife has already gotten him to sign a Will that as my father has stated awards everything to the persons side of the family that survives. He dies first my sister and I get zero.

It isn't about money or things as I have my own. I would give it all away if I could have had a normal childhood with a father figure or someone that would have played baseball with me. But my father is weak and has allowed and continues to allow this behavior to go on.

At this point we are not talking.

 

[Byrd666]

TX69

I'm helping my dad fix his computer one afternoon, and almost done, when he points to the desk drawer and says "The Will and ALL important papers are in this drawer." Few months go by and it dawns on me DING DING DING! Next day, Literally, Dad is in the hospital with unoprerable ? cancer.


TALK TO YOUR FATHER!

SHOUT

SCREAM

WHATEVER

IT

FUCKING

TAKES!!!

 

[Byrd666]

Sorry, lost my composure.

PLEASE, do whatever you think you need to do, short of riding a pink and purple polka dotted, orange racing striped, giraffe around downtown wherever, to talk with him.

 

[Major Kong]

Agree with Byrd666.

Talk to him. Regardless if she is listening in. Tell him how you feel about the current situation and what she is doing/has done/or will do.

I had to talk to my father numerous times about his drinking. It didn't change his behavior, but at least it got off my chest.

The worst he can do is tell you to buzz off and you never speak again. At least you will have done all you can do. If you don't, it will nag in the back of your head. The best that can happen is that he comes to his senses and dumps her and y'all can start working on your relationship.

If there is one thing I have learned in my trials in life, it is that only YOU are in control of your emotions and feelings. Only you can do something about them. Don't let other people ruin a perfectly good day, month, year.

Sent from a B-52 flying over Russia.

 

[TX69]

Feel free to ignore me as I don't know the sordid details of your life. I may be totally off base.

Your father has made his choice. He chose her over you. Let him know what you want from your relationship but know that his desire is different. He may say that he wants to be close to you but he has already shown otherwise.

As a father I couldn't imagine pushing my children away for a woman, even if it was their mother. I just can't wrap my mind around something like that.

Tell him how you feel and walk away. He doesn't sound like he is worth the effort and heartache honestly.

Take my input for what it is worth though. Just an outsider peeking in through a small window.

Sure he wants to be close to me but only on his terms. He wants for me to foot all of the work and travel to his turf. Then I sit there having him talking tough on me in front of his woman since he feels the needs to act stern or tough in front of her. Its not an environment where a father and son could ever become "close. I have told him how I feel over and over and the years have piled up with no progress. If I do nothing I have no father.

 

[ed308]

I will only advise to do whatever you need to do to have no regrets when he's is gone. He's your father, both the good and bad. Say whatever you need to say but work to keep the relationship open. Always take the high ground and don't let him pull you into fights. But be honest with him about how you feel and try to keep your emotions in check. One day he'll be gone and you'll only have your memories of you father. Keeping those memories positive will be better when he's gone.

Have you considered counseling? Counseling might help your relationship with your father. Sometimes our experiences in life interfere with our relationships. Just a thought after you described your relationship with your father. Growing up and not feeling like a priority to a parent is hurtful. I went into counseling years ago after a divorce. Funny thing about it, I never really talked about my divorce or my relationship with my wife. I spent more time talking about my childhood and some other issues that I wanted to work on. My childhood first came up when the counselor ask me to describe everyone in my family. I never mention my mother which the counselor picked up on. When he asked me to describe her, I couldn't even remember what she looked like. Long story short, I realized I needed to grieve over her death which never happened after she passed away suddenly while I was in college. In about ten sessions, I grieved over her death plus worked on some personal issues that were important to me. It was money well spent.

 

[karlac]

Tough situation, and not all that uncommon.
In our case it's my youngest sister.

I saw the same thing with my FIL before he died a few years back.
His wife at the time, died shortly before he did, without that happening there is no way his two daughters would have gotten a thing.

As I advised them at the time, and in order to keep her vulture brood away, the ONLY thing that will have an impact is "boots on the ground".

It worked.

In short, that is basically the only solution.

Old folks, at a certain age, need care, want care, and they really no longer give a damn who provides it.
Whomsoever is there to provide it, is who they will go with.

That is almost guaranteed to be a universal truth, so whatever you do it is mandatory that be the prime motivator in whatever solution you contemplate and decide upon.

 

[Mike1234567]

OT but worthy of sharing. I will never see nor speak to my oldest brother ever again and for extremely good reasons. I do not and will not, in the least bit, regret our parting ways. I won't like it when he dies but I won't be grief-stricken either.

 

[TX69]

Tough situation, and not all that uncommon.
In our case it's my youngest sister.

I saw the same thing with my FIL before he died a few years back.
His wife at the time, died shortly before he did, without that happening there is no way his two daughters would have gotten a thing.

As I advised them at the time, and in order to keep her vulture brood away, the ONLY thing that will have an impact is "boots on the ground".

It worked.

In short, that is basically the only solution.

Old folks, at a certain age, need care, want care, and they really no longer give a damn who provides it.
Whomsoever is there to provide it, is who they will go with.

That is almost guaranteed to be a universal truth, so whatever you do it is mandatory that be the prime motivator in whatever solution you contemplate and decide upon.

Well being that my father is 800 miles away I cannot get there easily. He has also stated over and over that he will never leave the shithole city he lives in. Worse yet, when mommy married a man with money her two then married slugs packed up, moved cross country, to live right next to mommy just in case she ever needed anything. With that they then began a humping practice of getting married right of high school and cranking out the babies. Yep home wreckin' gutter slut is a great graandmama. So as you can see my sister and I, especially me since I can/could do the most damage, have been slowly and methodically pushed out.

Now how am I to compete with that?

 

[Flyingswords]

Kinda reminds me of my dad. I talk to him over the phone (while he's in the philippines back in late dec around christmas week 2006.) sounded fine over the phone, no heavy coughing like usual as he did smoke 2-3 packs a day. didnt think much of it. mom was over there too. Find out from her that he had suffered 4 heart attacks in 6 months. 1st one he brushed off, 2nd one was a tad worse and put him in the hospital. a few weeks later he got out. 3rd one was the worst of the four and was in sent back to the hospital in late nov 2006. mom gets home shortly after new years 2007 and just a day later after she arrived at my apt. one of my aunts in the philippines calls in and says my dad just died yesterday (dont know how the day thing works out across the earth :P ) mom goes apeshit and and a friend of mines buys her the next plane ticket back to the phils. She arrives back a few months later after the funeral and cremation and brings back a box or two of bills. I then find out that my dad purposely let the life insurance lapse out and basically let my mom suffer the aftermath or taking care of him and the bills associated with his hospital stays and eventual funeral costs. That really pissed me off

when i looked at his death cert from the phils it listed the 4 attacks (the 4th one actually killed him), diabetes II and emphysema as contributing factors