Parental advice?...need help toughen up my 6 year old....

[Tatsun]

OK, I want to say upfront and foremost..I LOVE BOTH OF MY SONS UNCONDITIONALLY!

Now, with that said, I need some advice here. The situation is as follows. I have two boys, one just started kindergarten, and just turned 6 back in September. My other is 3 yrs old, and will be 4 in April.
My oldest is a big kid when compared to all of the other kids in his school. He takes after me and his grandfather regarding his size. I am 6'4 245lbs, his grandfather used to be a OT for Denver Bronco's. He has been mistaken for being in 2nd or 3rd grade, even before he even started school this year. The problem is, he just is really..and I dare say it, girly. He is a great kid, never gets in trouble, extremely smart, and very polite. Its just that most of the time, he would rather play with kittens, and pick flowers or help his mom pick out clothes than do anything other boys his age do. he has such a good heart, and is very un-selfish and will share anything he has with you. My issue is that I think his mother has babied him too much, and shelters him from everything. He cries about the smallest slightest things.
My 3yr old on the other hand is a tough little bugger. He is only 3, and really is not very big even compared to other kids his age. He will wrestle, climb fences, play in the dirt, and "kick a zombies butt" He has had a tendency to get in trouble at daycare as a lot of kids his age would do, nothing over the top, and no more so than any other kid. He loves his dad, and is my shadow when we are at home together and follows me everywhere and watches every move I make. I am NEVER allowed to go to a gun show without him in tow. I love it! He gets ahold of my Cheaper Than Dirt catalouges, and ShotGun News magazines, pretty much all of my gun magazines and carries them with him everywhere he goes. He loves guns (of course he is only 3) and does everything he can to be like his dad.
My issue here is that, I am worried about my oldest. I am worried that as he gets older he is either going to start getting picked on, either by the smaller kids cuz they know he wont fight back, or even by older kids and get taken advantage of. He is a really passive kid, and I am not saying thats always a bad thing, but I nor his mother can protect him from everything and we wont always be around for him. Just the other day, he came home off of the bus, crying about some kid poking him with a pencil. Of course my wife starts a crusade to protect him, calling and even going to the school, and getting him moved to a new seat on the bus. I said we should just talk to him, and tell him to stand up for himself, but she had none of it. The slightest little thing he always complains, "Oh that hurt me", such as barely brushing against him, or him tripping and falling in the grass without a scratch on him. If he barely bumps his hand on a door or something he complains that "That Hurt me" and there is mom..baby him again.
Now my 3 yr old, geez! He falls, scrapes his knee, gets up, brushes off and keeps playing. He doesnt mind getting dirty, always wants to play rough and tumble with the older bigger kids. Sometimes I wonder if he can even feel pain, as even when he got his fingers slammed in the car door, he of course screamed until the door was opened, but 5 minutes later acts like it never happened, even when the thing is swollen up like a grapefruit, and I am actually more concerned with it than he is. He always wants to wrestle with his dad on the trampoline, and always keeps coming back for me.
Now I know, that altough they are brothers, all kids are different, so please dont think I am saying that both boys should be exactly alike, thats not what I am getting at here.
So last night, I am wrestling with my youngest, and ask my oldest to come wrestle. "He says no dad, I dont want to, I might get hurt" I pretty much made him get on the tramplone and wrestle with us, and his lttle brother was a go getter, but he (my 6yr old) just kind of stayed away and acted like he could care less. Eventually I made him have to start wrestling and after I threw him down on the trampoline a few times, he complianed that hurt, or this hurts, even though I know damn well there is no way anything hurt him. Just to try to toughen him up, I called him a wimp, and that ticked him off bad! He came at me like a spider monkey. Finally! I was thinking to myself, he finally is getting tough. Well, somehow, I fell backwards and landed on his arm and wrist, and caused him to get a sprained wrist. I know that it had to hurt and it was an accident, and he was screaming like he was dieing, and of course mom babied him again. Now I feel really bad about riding him so much, and kinda wish I had never pushed him so much..He may never wrestle again now. I just dont know what to do with him.
Any advice from any of you fathers out there that may have been in this situation before? All he wants to do is play videogames, watch TV, or be on the internet, while his little brother is counting the days until he gets to go to the range for the first time and shoot his "Dotgun" (Shotgun).

I love my boys very much, and could not live without them, but I cannot protect them from everything, and this world can be pretty damn harsh sometimes. Any advice here would be very appreciated. I am just at a loss here now...
Thanks in advance for any and all input.

 

[matefrio]

Best thing you can do for the 6 year old is look for his strengths and compliment him and build his self esteem. Find things he does well and boost his self esteem in those pursuits.

Life will toughen up the 6 year old fast enough. Don't be the one who, even unconsciously, bullies him.

 

[London]

My son used to be the same way. Babying by the mother was the main cause. After hearing, "Suck it up," and "I don't wanna hear any crying" enough times he snapped out of it. Lately he's been surprising me with his ability to endure pain. Not that I want him to get hurt, of course, but it's refreshing to see him take a good amount of pain and not complain one bit. Makes me proud.

Follow your instincts on this one and you won't go wrong.

P.S. Showing him some inspirational entertainment such as chop-socky movies or MMA fights might help pique his interest in aggressive fun. My son didn't want to have anything o do with it until he saw Bruce Lee and Fedor.

 

[tequila45]

my son is 11 and he used to be the same way. he's a big dude compared to the rest of the other kids in his class and his younger cousins. he came around when I started to box. he saw me in the ring sparing and he just asked me one day if he could spar. I asked him if he was sure and said yeah, if you can do it i can to. your wife needs to not coddle him so much either. she needs to realize that shes not always going to be there, that way your son can realize the same. just raise them right as you have been doing and he'll come around. focus on his strenghts and that will build his confidence up to work on his weakness's

 

[Tejano Scott]

Kids learn everything from video games. Get him some macho video games and see if that gets his attention.

 

[I.B. Pimpin]

Do manly things with him. Try to get him into shooting. BB Gun maybe? Take him hunting. Let him help you do stuff around the house like DIY projects and the like. Pretty much just include him in all the "man" stuff you do. I know exactly how you feel. My nephew has had me worried for a while now about his behavior. He is 13 now and I try to talk to him and spend time with him but he is WAY to sensitive and pretty anti social. He told me that he does not like girls even the least bit. He doesn't even want to touch one. I don't think this is normal for a 13 yr old. He is going to be in high school next year and I really feel for him because I know how cruel teens can be. If this is just a phase he is going through I hope it ends very soon.

Edit: With all due respect please tell your wife that she is not doing your son any favors by coddling him. He must learn to stand up for himself or he will be bullied and taken advantage of. I know because I was once the bully.

 

[Fisherman777]

Naw! No video games. Studies show that kids get dumber playing hours of video games. Take him into the great outdoors and spend a lot of time with him. Girls need their mother. Boys need their father. They both need both but most of the boys time needs to be with dear old dad! Tell him that if he doesn't butch up, you'll buy him some drawers with ruffles on them.

 

[Mikewood]

You got to build him up and praise him. Take time to be a stand up guy he can look up to not a guy he competes with for his moms attention. Loose to him. Play with him on his level and with his video game. When he beats you at his video game praise him and ask him to teach you how to get better. Teach him the same way. Have you gotten them into BB guns? It's almost time for him but if you give him one make sure he's safe. It can be your thing that the two of you do together.

He's not aggressive. That's ok for now. You can beat him at everything but when he competes with you he shuts down. Do the two of you go out "just men"? You can go to McDonald's together and spend some time being guys.

 

[Vaquero]

#7 & #8 ^^^
+1

 

[Tatsun]

U know I should have stated this in my OP...he does all kinds of manly things with me..he has his own .22 and shoots at the range with me all the time..he hunts withme and got his first deer last year. He fishes and can outshoot and outfish mesometimes. That makes a dad proud..but its when he acts like the way posted above it bothers me.

 

[Vaquero]

Ask your Dad. I'm sure he's noticed if he's been around the boy.

 

[Mikewood]

The old saying goes you cant push a rope. You can lead by example and draw him where you wish him to go.

He's half you and half your wife. Consider Also that if you do spend time with him his mom may have some issues there. She can keep him more like her by babying him. I may be reading it all wrong and I certainly don't know the whole situation. Your dad and her dad may be tremendous avenues for advice. It's obvious you love your boys very much and that's an awsome start. As a family you have to come to terms and do whats best for the children.

 

[itchin]

U know I should have stated this in my OP...he does all kinds of manly things with me..he has his own .22 and shoots at the range with me all the time..he hunts withme and got his first deer last year. He fishes and can outshoot and outfish mesometimes. That makes a dad proud..but its when he acts like the way posted above it bothers me.

He is only 6. My daughter is big for her age, and I have to remind myself she is only 5. When he makes You proud make sure You let him know it. It sounds like You have a great family, and I wouldn't stress. Not everyone is going to act the same. I remember being a mommas boy, and I turned out ok.

 

[shortround]

Ditto. He is only six years old. Give him a break.

Have you had him join a cub-scout pack?

Have you told him that you love him and do something with him that HE wants to do?

When he comes home from school and complains of being poked with a pencil, did you find out who did that to him?

Go easy on the boy. He can't be an outside linebacker at six years of age.

When I told mine to quit feeling sorry for himself, he figured it out on his own.

Wish you well.

Be well.

 

[wllmwallace]

This sounds a lot like when I met my wife and finally got married. When I met her, the boys were 6 and 5, the oldest was exactly as you describe yours, and youngest was hell on wheels. Now, ten years later, our oldest is still a bit more "gentle" than the youngest, but has toughened up quite a lot. We got them enrolled in MMA, and they both have learned self control, discipline, and confidence. It made a world of difference. While curbing the crazy little one, it allowed our oldest to interact with other kids and adults while sparring, building his confidence and self esteem. While he is still one of the kindest, gentle young men I know, I would be reluctant to mess with him. At 16, he's taller and bigger (not fat) than my wife and I, and will probably wind up around 6'3-4 by the time he stops growing. Not telling you what to do, just giving an example of what we did that toughened him up and allowed him to have a little swagger of his own.

 

[Robmoo]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Being around other boys will likely butch him up a bit. The first time he cries over a scrape on the playground the other boys will tease him and the peer pressure will cause him to toughen up a bit. I used to think kids who cry at the smallest scrape probably did so because their parents made such a big deal out of every little owie. That being said I would always act casual and brush off my daughters little scrapes and cuts. My wife was onboard with this. After all, if the blood isn't pulsing out of the wound it is likely not a big deal and all bleeding stops eventually (a little medical humor.) She still cries and makes a big deal out of scrapes that don't even go through the skin. Now that she is 7 I figure it is just her personality. Otherwise she's hell on wheels. Her favorite ride at Disney World was the "Rock 'n' Roller Coaster."

If it really bothers you see if you can get him involved in some boyish activities such as a sport or a martial art. Find a martial arts studio that works with kids. He'll learn respect, self defense, and self discipline at the same time.

 

[Dawico]

Your wife definitely coddles him too much.

Besides that, he will grow out of it. Just be sure to keep him involved with you and your other son, even if you have to push a little.

 

[jocat54]

Tatsun, I would not worry to much about your oldest. Just be sure he knows that you love him and will be there for him. Don't compare the two(to each other)--they are individuals with there own separate personalities. Not all will be the football heroes, but may well be a hero. Also hope you and your wife don't have disagreements, about how she baby's him, in front of the boys.
Don't force him to do things he isn't interested in--will only drive him the other way. Do things with him that he likes to do.
We raised 5 kids-4 boys and a girl -and they were all different and they are all grown with kids of there own.
He will grow up before eyes before you know it.

 

[txinvestigator]

Keep doing what you have been doing and let him be.

video games? really?

good grief

 

[ROGER4314]

There's nothing wrong with playing with kittens and picking flowers. I'm your size and I like to do those things!

As a retired teacher, I can speak with some authority here. Both of your sons have found ways to get attention from their parents. The older/bigger one found he could get Dads' attention by doing "manly" things and going with the flow with Dad. The younger one saw that slot filled so he found his own way to get attention. As soon as he uses the word "HURT"......in comes super Mom to the rescue.

You haven't failed with the young one. It's Human nature to go with the easy route. The older kid eats up what you like to do so it's natural to prefer that. The little guy may prefer other activities.

It reminds me of my lead man at McDonnell Douglas Aircraft. He raised two boys alone for years. Each one was required to prepare the evening meal when his turn came up. One had weenies and beans every time it was his turn to cook. The other asked "Why do we always have weenies and beans?" The answer: "Because I like them!" To each his own.

While comforting him isn't bad in itself, your JOB is to prepare him for life in the real world and to make him ready for a time when his parents are no longer around. In animal training, the first adjustment is "WEANING." They need to be separated from the nipple and mothers nurturing. He's a smart kid! Hell, if I could crawl back into Moms' arms, be comforted and held, I'd choose that over being the tough, independent SOB that I am. When a puppy is weaned.....it's not fun, a happy time or comfortable but it must be done to ensure survival of the critter.

I believe in EQUAL treatment and opportunity without competition. If it comes to each of them having time alone with you, that's OK. I don't prefer that as they need to learn to interact but if it works for you, Heck....try it. See what the younger one gravitates to. If he likes books, take him to a library. Let him be his own person. He should experience what you like to do, too. Maybe he likes to build things. There you go! If he's focused on being "hurt" take him to a hospital or a clinic to look around. Maybe you have a future doctor there. In teaching, they call that a "teachable moment" when he/she expresses an interest in something. You catch the ball and run with it.

You and your wife need to co-parent. She needs to get with the program and work with you on the smaller child. His survival depends on it!
Kids know which child is weak and vulnerable. He will have a target on his back when he gets to school....away from you and Mom.

I can tell you are a good parent from the honest and straight forward post that you took the time to write. You have everything that you need to do what you need to do. All you gotta do is implement the plan. Good luck!

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