Parental advice?...need help toughen up my 6 year old....

[txinvestigator]

there's nothing wrong with playing with kittens and picking flowers. I'm your size and i like to do those things!

As a retired teacher, i can speak with some authority here. Both of your sons have found ways to get attention from their parents. The older/bigger one found he could get dads' attention by doing "manly" things and going with the flow with dad. The younger one saw that slot filled so he found his own way to get attention. As soon as he uses the word "hurt"......in comes super mom to the rescue.

You haven't failed with the young one. It's human nature to go with the easy route. The older kid eats up what you like to do so it's natural to prefer that. The little guy may prefer other activities.

It reminds me of my lead man at mcdonnell douglas aircraft. He raised two boys alone for years. Each one was required to prepare the evening meal when his turn came up. One had weenies and beans every time it was his turn to cook. The other asked "why do we always have weenies and beans?" the answer: "because i like them!" to each his own.

While comforting him isn't bad in itself, your job is to prepare him for life in the real world and to make him ready for a time when his parents are no longer around. In animal training, the first adjustment is "weaning." they need to be separated from the nipple and mothers nurturing. He's a smart kid! Hell, if i could crawl back into moms' arms, be comforted and held, i'd choose that over being the tough, independent sob that i am. When a puppy is weaned.....it's not fun, a happy time or comfortable but it must be done to ensure survival of the critter.

I believe in equal treatment and opportunity without competition. If it comes to each of them having time alone with you, that's ok. I don't prefer that as they need to learn to interact but if it works for you, heck....try it. See what the younger one gravitates to. If he likes books, take him to a library. Let him be his own person. He should experience what you like to do, too. Maybe he likes to build things. There you go! If he's focused on being "hurt" take him to a hospital or a clinic to look around. Maybe you have a future doctor there. In teaching, they call that a "teachable moment" when he/she expresses an interest in something. You catch the ball and run with it.

You and your wife need to co-parent. She needs to get with the program and work with you on the smaller child. His survival depends on it!
Kids know which child is weak and vulnerable. He will have a target on his back when he gets to school....away from you and mom.

I can tell you are a good parent from the honest and straight forward post that you took the time to write. You have everything that you need to do what you need to do. All you gotta do is implement the plan. Good luck!

Flash

bravo!

 

[Tatsun]

Ask your Dad. I'm sure he's noticed if he's been around the boy.

Unfortunately, my father was shot and killed by a someone trying to rob him when I was about 6 yrs old, so I grew up without a father, only somewhat having father figures from time to time, so I do the best I can, since kids don't come with instruction manuals. Also, I wonder if I just maybe being too hard on him, since I had to deal with so much crap at such a young age. Yes, it toughened me up and yes, it sucked. I guess maybe I am just wanting to make sure he doesn't have to deal with any of the crap I had to, but again, I can't protect him from everything.
Thanks for all of the advice guys. As usual, I get much needed input and answers when I ask on TGT.

 

[berto40]

OK, He's a big kid, you probably are expecting him to be a little more mature than he actually is. You have to remember big size doesn't mean that his maturity level has caught up. He's six, he likes, cats, he likes picking flowers...hate to go Freudian on you, but I don't see anything wrong with petting cats and picking flowers, later it'll be picken flowers to pet kittens....it all depends on how you look at it. He'll tie all that stuff together eventually and come around.

Edit:

Oh and I have 2 boys, one is going to be 8 and the other going on 7. Total opposites, just like my brother and myself. The oldest ran through the same phase around that age for a short time. I think it's just part of growing up for some.

 

[ROGER4314]

I forgot to mention one thing that may help. I had a Psychology professor at OSU who was wonderful. He explained things in ways that we could really understand concepts of Human behavior. He told us something that I'll never forget:

The PLAY of children is deadly serious. It's through their play that they learn how to behave as adults. As a parent, it's also your best clue into who and what they are and where they're heading. Watch your child in unguided play activities. He'll tell you what's in his head by watching him play.

You mentioned kittens. Maybe he's a future Vet Med major. My father and grandfather were both doctors (MD's). I never had one bit of that in me. I loved anything with gears, wires, batteries, motors, engines, wings (aircraft) and if my folks had been on the ball, they would have supported those areas. They DID let me choose my own path but no one in the family liked those things so I went out on my own to learn about them and made a damned good living doing it. Later, I instructed others to work with machines and taught for 22 years in very high tech equipment. I made $35/hour teaching Instrumentation Techs. My "grease monkey" skills paid off pretty well!

Observe and identify his natural direction then provide support to get him the tools he needs to succeed. If he wants to be a doctor or in Vet Med, academic excellence is crucial. The competition is so tough for slots in school that he will need stellar grades just to get in. That's a tool you can identify and help him with.

If you can close your eyes and imagine what you really love to do then work that into a profession.........you're on your way to a happy, fulfilled life.

You'll do great!

Flash

 

[Tatsun]

You know this is all actually making alot of sense to me, and thanks to all for putting it into perspective. He loves videogames, namely anything with MARIO or SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. I am able to download some of those vintage games from time to time and allow him to play them on his computer. He says to me, "Dad, I wanna make videogames when I get big, so you can play them" (he thinks that when I download them, I actually made them). I didn't read to much into it at the times he has said it, and he has said it multiple times. Shame on me, as I figured it was just a phase. I have made the mistake too many times of letting his size dictate to me how I think he should act or do things, forgetting about his age. I guess I always imagined him doing everything I did and liking it. That is all on me, and I just gotta remember not to do it. I think you are right. He is only 6, and of course the last thing he is really thinking about is getting a job or career, paying bills, buying a home, paying for a car etc. right now, and he shouldn't have to anyways.
I will just continue to support him, and let him find his own path.
Thanks again all!

P.S. On a side note, I don't wanna be one of those parents that push and push their kids into something like football, and groom them their whole lives to be the best at something they hate, only to have them despise me later in life for it. I don't wanna be one of those dads that tries to re-live their childhood through their children, and maybe thats what I have been doing. Thanks for opening my eyes on this guys.

 

[TheDan]

Video games ain't all bad... I got into my profession basically from playing video games.

It does sound like you're wife coddles him a bit too much. It's better to downplay ouchies than to fawn over them, but I think you're worrying about it too much. If I remember correctly I was a bit of a wuss at age 6, too. I eventually grew out of it (or so I think ).

 

[n5wd]

You know this is all actually making alot of sense to me, and thanks to all for putting it into perspective.... I don't wanna be one of those dads that tries to re-live their childhood through their children, and maybe thats what I have been doing. Thanks for opening my eyes on this guys.

Considering your history, it's natural that you might feel like you have to take a more active role in his development. You don't. He'll grow into his own skin, if you'll let him. My wife and I had only our son... he was also a sensitive kid, very empathetic, caring, and nurturing. Loved his pets, didn't really like sports. By his junior year, he broke the nose of a senior who had been bullying him because he was bi-racial... Today he's married, has two great kids, is a 6'2" paramedic working on a street MICU, outshoots me, and still loves his Mom and Dad. Can ya tell we're proud?

But, one thing you should do right now, is promise yourself you won't call him names any more. That's bullying, and no matter your intentions, that WILL hurt.

Roger4314 mentioned it, and I'll say it again, as well... you and your wife need to be playing from the same playbook on this. Talk with each other and decide on a joint way to handle those things that bug you, and those things that bug her. Between the two of you, you'll do fine.

 

[ROGER4314]

I don't play computer games. I tried to get into it and even bought a PS 2 way back when. They just don't interest me. When I see a kid inside playing a game when the sun is shining outside, It makes me want to scream!

Well................My nephew (younger of two boys) was like that and became a butterball vegged out in front of the screen. I was grinding my teeth over his lack of physical activity and his concentration on computer games. He's in California right now making 2-3 times what I made in my career. What's he doing? He writes the code and creates video games for a living! He hired a personal trainer and is working on the butterball thing.

Yup, old know-it-all Flash crashed in flames on that call! Lesson learned!

Flash

 

[Vaquero]

Unfortunately, my father was shot and killed by a someone trying to rob him when I was about 6 yrs old, so I grew up without a father, only somewhat having father figures from time to time, so I do the best I can, since kids don't come with instruction manuals. Also, I wonder if I just maybe being too hard on him, since I had to deal with so much crap at such a young age. Yes, it toughened me up and yes, it sucked. I guess maybe I am just wanting to make sure he doesn't have to deal with any of the crap I had to, but again, I can't protect him from everything.
Thanks for all of the advice guys. As usual, I get much needed input and answers when I ask on TGT.

I had no idea. I'm sorry to hear it.

 

[Mexican_Hippie]

One of my brothers is that way and he ended up playing defensive end in college. On the flip side he's way better with his kids than I am too and listens better.

I had your same concern.
My 9 year old used to be that way. He toughened up on his own but LOVES computers not sports.

Point of the story: they're both fine. They're different from me and that's OK.

 

[Texasjack]

One of the toughest things about parenting is trying to avoid comparing kids. Your 6 yr old is probably a great kid that will eventually develop into a great adult. He will not do it the same way or at the same pace as his brother. That's not unusual.

I notice big changes in my son when I took him to YMCA camp. Once he was away from his mother, he could make choices on what he ate and how he brushed his teeth and stuff like that.

Ultimately, kids have to find their own path. It may not be the one you would pick, but if that's where they excel and are happy, then that's where they should be. There are a lot of changes between 6 and 16, so don't get caught up in thinking he'll never change.

The late Jeff Cooper titled one of his books "To Ride, Shoot Straight, and Speak the Truth". In the book he says that he initially thought that came from Teddy Roosevelt, but it really was a very ancient saying that Roosevelt borrowed. It's a good description of a father's duties in teaching his son. You teach your kids how to work and live, that it's important do do things to the best of your abilities, and that standing for the what's true and right means something. It's no small task to do all of that and there will be times when your kid doesn't particularly like you for keeping him on the path. I had to remind my son on several occasions that I'm not his friend; I'm his father. It's not my job to tell him that he's wonderful and everything he does is great. Though I will always be his biggest fan, I have a job - a duty - to make sure he's able to deal with the world. (And, honestly, your best friends are not the ones who tell you everything is right - they're the ones who tell you when your zipper's down.)

Be there to set an example for your sons. Let them know when they are right as well as when they are wrong. They'll grow into the men they are meant to be.

 

[Skip]

I think your boy's will be just fine, and your concern shows that.

 

[TheDan]

He toughened up on his own but LOVES computers not sports.

Define sports... Growing up I was labeled as not liking sports, but it turns out I just don't like things that end in "ball". I'm into shooting sports and racing. In high school I was really into orienteering, but I had no idea that was a sport at the time. I thought it was just running through the woods with a map and compass, having fun

I sure as hell don't understand most of the things my daughter is into, but she's a good kid and I trust she'll find her way.

 

[Ready.Fire.Aim]

I have two daughters, now 22 & 23. my advice: Understand, support, but do not become parents that enable bad behaviors or weaknesses. Let them pursue their interests with clear expectation as they enter teenage years that at a future time (college graduation) they are expected to launch and support themselves.

My daughters knew I had two standard responses. "Figure it out". 'It sucks to be you". To be candid, they hated that response but they knew they had to try. They were allowed to fail if it did not cause irreperable harm. They grew up to be well balanced, compasionate and college graduates.

My oldest girl just told appreciated being taught to figure it out. It made my week! At 18 she went to Germany & lived as a transfer student in college for 6 weeks. Later she spent two summers in China as a Christian missionary and plans to move there next June. She told me she was able to "figure it out' and had little self pity. Currently she settled for a crappy job and I worry about her- she told me it sucks, but it is honest work that supports her.

My youngest plans to move to Prague and go to grad school to perfect her foreign languages. She is figuring it out. Recently she illegally parked in Austin while moving & loading her car and had her car towed. She managed to recover her car and pay the fee. She called us and told us about it after she took care of it. SHe said she made a decision to take a risk and paid the consequence- she did not complain about it being unfair.

Consider having your wife back off and just make sure the bleeding stops & the fever breaks. I would not worry about the less manly behaviors. consider spending time with him on things he likes to do and enccourage him to join in things you like to do like, even if it is simple watching football and explaining the rules and plays to hin. Many many times I was the subject of makeup and hairdo sessions. We also shot pellet guns, went fishing, flew kites, played softball, all things dad liked to do - to spend time together & they knew I enjoyed it.

PS: I like raising flowers and plants since I was a little boy. I also raise cattle and collect & shoot machine guns. My dad just had me figure it out and made sure I worked hard growing up, he was a no bullshit kinda guy.

Good luck
RFA

 

[Texan2]

My son used to be the same way. Babying by the mother was the main cause. After hearing, "Suck it up," and "I don't wanna hear any crying" enough times he snapped out of it.

^^^Glad this worked for you, but I would recommend the method quoted below.

There's nothing wrong with playing with kittens and picking flowers. I'm your size and I like to do those things!

As a retired teacher, I can speak with some authority here. Both of your sons have found ways to get attention from their parents. The older/bigger one found he could get Dads' attention by doing "manly" things and going with the flow with Dad. The younger one saw that slot filled so he found his own way to get attention. As soon as he uses the word "HURT"......in comes super Mom to the rescue.

You haven't failed with the young one. It's Human nature to go with the easy route. The older kid eats up what you like to do so it's natural to prefer that. The little guy may prefer other activities.

It reminds me of my lead man at McDonnell Douglas Aircraft. He raised two boys alone for years. Each one was required to prepare the evening meal when his turn came up. One had weenies and beans every time it was his turn to cook. The other asked "Why do we always have weenies and beans?" The answer: "Because I like them!" To each his own.

While comforting him isn't bad in itself, your JOB is to prepare him for life in the real world and to make him ready for a time when his parents are no longer around. In animal training, the first adjustment is "WEANING." They need to be separated from the nipple and mothers nurturing. He's a smart kid! Hell, if I could crawl back into Moms' arms, be comforted and held, I'd choose that over being the tough, independent SOB that I am. When a puppy is weaned.....it's not fun, a happy time or comfortable but it must be done to ensure survival of the critter.

I believe in EQUAL treatment and opportunity without competition. If it comes to each of them having time alone with you, that's OK. I don't prefer that as they need to learn to interact but if it works for you, Heck....try it. See what the younger one gravitates to. If he likes books, take him to a library. Let him be his own person. He should experience what you like to do, too. Maybe he likes to build things. There you go! If he's focused on being "hurt" take him to a hospital or a clinic to look around. Maybe you have a future doctor there. In teaching, they call that a "teachable moment" when he/she expresses an interest in something. You catch the ball and run with it.

You and your wife need to co-parent. She needs to get with the program and work with you on the smaller child. His survival depends on it!
Kids know which child is weak and vulnerable. He will have a target on his back when he gets to school....away from you and Mom.

I can tell you are a good parent from the honest and straight forward post that you took the time to write. You have everything that you need to do what you need to do. All you gotta do is implement the plan. Good luck!

Flash

 

[Robmoo]

I'm concerned that you are really worried that your son turning out to be gay. He's 6 years old. Before puberty there isn't much difference between girls and boys. Liking kittens and flowers is meaningless. Cats are predators and flowers are beautiful and useful inattracting the opposite sex. My wife probably wishes I knew more about flowers. Be supportive and let your child grow up. When he gets a bit older let him know that although you may not approve of his choices that no matter what you love him and that you are always willing to provide guidance and support.

 

[Tatsun]

I'm concerned that you are really worried that your son turning out to be gay.

Actually, thats the last thing I am worried about. Even if he did turn out that way, he is still my son, and no matter what I will always love him. As stated in my OP, I know the world can be a very harsh place and everybody is not always so peachy and nice. I have seen to many people, i.e. friends, relatives etc that are of a good heart, afraid to stick up for themselevs and end up getting taken advantage of or being bullied and picked on, or have the crap kicked out of them. I just want him to be able to protect himself and understand that he won't always have mom and dad around to fight his battles for him.

 

[Robmoo]

<open mouth and insert foot>

 

[TheDan]

 

[Mexican_Hippie]

I understand the bullying concern. My 9 year old has autism and is moving to Middle (or intermediate?) school next year for 5th grade. He's in regular classes now and makes all A's but is odd ball enough to be a target. Its definitely a concern I share since he has trouble making "friends" at school (obviously not an autistic kid's strong suit).

We've had conversations with him on what to do if someone's bullying him. Talk about it and do your best to prepare them, but I've yet to meet an adult who was never picked on at least once growing up.