Debt owed... how to collect

[SQLGeek]

If any of this $4k was my money the wife would have to make good on it.

lol

What a way to live.

 

[Sasquatch]

Hopefully your funds are separate enough that when the Big D comes, you're not completely hosed. These situations are never good. It will fester. Your wife won't likely be thrilled with cutting her daughter completely out of her life - so she's always going to be orbiting yours, causing problems, drama, and in general being at least an annoyance. The resentment will grow - the only way to stave that off is to forgive the debt and truly forgive the sin - a tall order for most people. Even then, that act would just be seen as a "win" for the daughter, and she won't grow up. I don't see the situation having any good result, and maybe its the pessimist in me, but I'd seriously have a divorce attorney on the back burner for when that time comes, and be ready to be the one to file before she does when things go sour. You can cite this incident as one of the reasons that caused the division. Depending on California law - even if the card was in your wife's name, you - as her husband - may still be on the hook for the debt since it was incurred when you were married.

 

[Jcastaneda1105]

Just how old is this step-daughter?

If the card is in your wife's name, let her worry about it. She's the only one that can press charges. She obviously knew it was going on if from what you are saying this happened before.

I can tell you from past experience, your wife will never press charges. Exactly why I specified in a previous post to have separate finances. If not, one day you'll wake up and realize you've been drained dry. Had it happen, and seen it happen when involving stepchildren.

appreciate it the advice. SD is 20, old enough.

wife has taken a very different approach to money now and have seen a 180 change in her which is great. Obviously kid is her daughter and she’s enabled the behavior which she recognizes, and has to make some tough decisions on it. Financially speaking we are both pretty transparent with our spending and it has lead to a better marriage. Plus we both have full access to accounts so no funny money.
Credit cards have been replaced, we just switched over to a new bank this week, so SD has no access to any of our funds. Granted this has been the case since March when we moved out here.

expensive lesson for sure. Upside is my two daughters will get a larger inheritance as I don’t plan k. Leaving anything for her based on this and other things, subject to her continuing being this way. Should she change, I’ll reconsider

 

[Axxe55]

appreciate it the advice. SD is 20, old enough.

wife has taken a very different approach to money now and have seen a 180 change in her which is great. Obviously kid is her daughter and she’s enabled the behavior which she recognizes, and has to make some tough decisions on it. Financially speaking we are both pretty transparent with our spending and it has lead to a better marriage. Plus we both have full access to accounts so no funny money.
Credit cards have been replaced, we just switched over to a new bank this week, so SD has no access to any of our funds. Granted this has been the case since March when we moved out here.

expensive lesson for sure. Upside is my two daughters will get a larger inheritance as I don’t plan k. Leaving anything for her based on this and other things, subject to her continuing being this way. Should she change, I’ll reconsider

Fact of the matter is, you will never change the stepdaughter, and until she has some severe life changing moments, the stepdaughter ain't going to change.

And unless your wife cuts her off, and practices "tough live" with her daughter, don't assume she isn't still helping her daughter. Had it happen, and seen it happen, that they will tell you one thing, while helping the daughter in secret.

 

[Coiled]

Are you saying cousin Guido doesn't get an all expenses trip to Cali? He's not gonna like that . . . he may even visit YOU !

 

[baboon]

lol

What a way to live.

At the urging of the wifes parents we have kept out money apart.(Not that I have not paided 90% of the way)Some folks were never meant to have mnuch money. Seeing my wife's stupid handling of her money over 30+ years we have been married, does not surprise me her parents are in Debt.

I might not own a new truck or a fancy house, but it's mine free & clear! It's no different then when a spouse dies & all the joint accounts are frozen during probate. When a wad of cash is most needed most people have none about!

 

[ZX9RCAM]

Fact of the matter is, you will never change the stepdaughter, and until she has some severe life changing moments, the stepdaughter ain't going to change.

And unless your wife cuts her off, and practices "tough live" with her daughter, don't assume she isn't still helping her daughter. Had it happen, and seen it happen, that they will tell you one thing, while helping the daughter in secret.

This is very true.
Experienced it myself many years ago with current GF, and her daughters.
She wanted to be their friend, not their mother/parent, especially with the youngest.

Fortunately, she finally realized that she was doing wrong.

 

[Jcastaneda1105]

Are you saying cousin Guido doesn't get an all expenses trip to Cali? He's not gonna like that . . . he may even visit YOU !

Ask him if he can get some milk on the way here. We’re running low. Hahaha

 

[Axxe55]

This is very true.
Experienced it myself many years ago with current GF, and her daughters.
She wanted to be their friend, not their mother/parent, especially with the youngest.

Fortunately, she finally realized that she was doing wrong.

Totally agree. BTDT x 2. First ex-wife, it was her eldest son. I think he's in prison now, again. The second ex-wife, it was her middle child, the daughter. Drugs, alcohol, poor choices in "boys" and other bad life choices. By the time she got enough, the daughter was in her late 20's, and the damage was pretty much done to our marriage, when she decided to practice "tough love" with her daughter.

 

[Jcastaneda1105]

Fact of the matter is, you will never change the stepdaughter, and until she has some severe life changing moments, the stepdaughter ain't going to change.

And unless your wife cuts her off, and practices "tough live" with her daughter, don't assume she isn't still helping her daughter. Had it happen, and seen it happen, that they will tell you one thing, while helping the daughter in secret.

agree and I realize it. Time for a heart to heart with the wifey on this.

 

[Sasquatch]

agree and I realize it. Time for a heart to heart with the wifey on this.

Seriously, good luck man - I hope you can work this situation out before it becomes a cancer on your marriage. Hopefully you wind up more united and not divided.

 

[ZX9RCAM]

agree and I realize it. Time for a heart to heart with the wifey on this.

Unfortunately, it took me many "heart to heart" conversations, and the youngest getting into a lot of trouble, before she realized that I was right.

 

[Axxe55]

agree and I realize it. Time for a heart to heart with the wifey on this.

You seriously need to. Problems with finances, or money is a big factor in divorces. I have no idea how long you have been married, but honestly this something that should have been worked out at the beginning of the marriage.

I nipped that in the bud before I married my current wife. When we married, she had two grown children, and the youngest was a senior in high school. We had a very long discussion about stepchildren, problems with them and money and my past experiences with them in my previous marriages. It's not an easy conversation to have, but if you plan on staying married, it's essential IMO. I pretty much told her from the beginning some of the things I wouldn't tolerate, and the things I would compromise on her with. I also made provisions that take care of my wife in the event I die before her, but in no way benefits her children. I made my younger brother the executor of my will and my estate to take care of her needs until she dies, if I go before her. I made no provisions in my estate for her children.

 

[Brains]

Getting on the same page as wife, with clear stated goals is paramount. That one simple factor will help to get everything else to fall into place.

We have a 21 year old who has a tendency to, as a normal kid that age will, make some poor choices. Wife and I will discuss everything, decide our involvement together, and then deliver the same message. The goal is to help guide rather than be problem solvers. We want the kid to be independently successful, a confident decision maker, and make it through hardships with the pride of solving the problem independently. It's very hard sometimes, but very important to learn how to say no to our children. They're more capable than most of us sometimes want to admit. I can't count how many times I've delivered the "nobody learns when things are easy, you only learn when you screw up. You gotta be okay with screwing up, what really matters is what you do next." speech.

 

[ZX9RCAM]

Unfortunately it is much more difficult being on the same team with a stepchild, though.

 

[Brains]

Unfortunately it is much more difficult being on the same team with a stepchild, though.

My 21 year old IS my stepchild.

 

[ZX9RCAM]

My 21 year old IS my stepchild.

Ah, you didn't mention that.

I still stand by my comment, of course it's just my opinion.

 

[TheDan]

She took it without permission

If that's the case, I don't see how the card company is saying the charges are authorized. I would lean on them more.

 

[Brains]

Ah, you didn't mention that.

I still stand by my comment, of course it's just my opinion.

I didn't mention it because it really didn't matter when it comes to being his parent. I took the wife as mine, means I took the kid as mine too.

Every family is different, and every person is different. But regardless of the dynamics, consistency in parenting is a necessity.

 

[Axxe55]

Unfortunately it is much more difficult being on the same team with a stepchild, though.

And the older they are when you marry their mother, sometimes can make it even more difficult. With my current wife, her two older ones were already grown, and the youngest was a senior in high school when we married.

One thing we got clear from the beginning, was we would help them if they really needed help, but they were grown, so we weren't going to support them. Establish firm lines in discussing this with the other from the beginning keeps problems from occurring in the future.