We called these wetware problems or the issue lying between the chair and keyboard.
Official Off Topic Joke Thread - 2011
- Thread starter matefrio
- Start date
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We called these wetware problems or the issue lying between the chair and keyboard.
I don't tell them anything. I just start charging $$.
A young cowboy goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner and reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner and reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman went for a walk one afternoon.
After a while, they saw a sign: Beauty Contest!
Snow White said she would enter. After 45 minutes, she walked out, and the others asked her how it went.
"I won first place" said she.
After a while, they came upon another sign: Contest! Strongest Man.
Superman went in, and 15 minutes later emerged from the contest, and they asked him how it went.
"First Place," was it ever in question?
So, they strolled along, when they saw another sign: Contest: World's Biggest Liar.
Naturally, Pinocchio knew he could win the contest.
Only five minutes later, Pinocchio emerged in tears.
What happened asked Snow White and Superman?
Pinocchio shook his head and said: "Who the hell is Obama?"
After a while, they saw a sign: Beauty Contest!
Snow White said she would enter. After 45 minutes, she walked out, and the others asked her how it went.
"I won first place" said she.
After a while, they came upon another sign: Contest! Strongest Man.
Superman went in, and 15 minutes later emerged from the contest, and they asked him how it went.
"First Place," was it ever in question?
So, they strolled along, when they saw another sign: Contest: World's Biggest Liar.
Naturally, Pinocchio knew he could win the contest.
Only five minutes later, Pinocchio emerged in tears.
What happened asked Snow White and Superman?
Pinocchio shook his head and said: "Who the hell is Obama?"
Ok, I LOLed well on that one.
> A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It
was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes
there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same
street and they might see her.
>
> Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille
because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good,
there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
>
> Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late
enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
>
> Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet
for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille
because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
>
> Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet
for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille
because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good
for your cholesterol.
>
> Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
>
> Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped
accessible.
>
> Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because they had never been there before.
was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes
there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same
street and they might see her.
>
> Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille
because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good,
there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
>
> Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late
enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
>
> Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet
for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille
because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
>
> Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet
for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille
because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good
for your cholesterol.
>
> Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
>
> Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped
accessible.
>
> Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because they had never been there before.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 20 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A moment of respect and silence passed between the two men...
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 20 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A moment of respect and silence passed between the two men...
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
A cowboy was riding in the plains one day when he came across
a Indian stark naked lying flat on his back with a hard on.
The cowboy asked him what he was doing. The Indian replied
"I'm telling time." The cowboy asked him what time it was.
The Indian replied "it's 11:45." After looking as his pocket
watch, the cowboy replied "you're right"
A little while latter the cowboy came across another Indian
stark naked lying flat on his back with a hard on. The
Cowboy again asked him what he was doing. He replied "I'm
telling time" The cowboy asked him what time it was. The
Indian replied "it's 1:15". The cowboy looked as his pocket
watch and said "you're right".
A short while latter the same cowboy came across a Indian
stark naked lying on the ground jacking off. The cowboy
asked him what he was doing. He replied "I'm winding my
watch"
a Indian stark naked lying flat on his back with a hard on.
The cowboy asked him what he was doing. The Indian replied
"I'm telling time." The cowboy asked him what time it was.
The Indian replied "it's 11:45." After looking as his pocket
watch, the cowboy replied "you're right"
A little while latter the cowboy came across another Indian
stark naked lying flat on his back with a hard on. The
Cowboy again asked him what he was doing. He replied "I'm
telling time" The cowboy asked him what time it was. The
Indian replied "it's 1:15". The cowboy looked as his pocket
watch and said "you're right".
A short while latter the same cowboy came across a Indian
stark naked lying on the ground jacking off. The cowboy
asked him what he was doing. He replied "I'm winding my
watch"
Bubba's and Cooter's Pick Up Lines
1) Did you fart?cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ...I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,we kin sleep til afternoon.
11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"
the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .
Mom fainted...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has been missing for a week.
The police told me to expect the worst.
I've been to the thrift store getting her cloths back.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
His wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just put a deposit down on a new Porsche,and mentioned on Facebook
"I can't wait till the new 911 gets here"
next thing I got 4000 fucking Muslims added me as friends.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man named Mike in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"After 8yrs of marriage and sex with the lights out Mary turns the light on to find her husband using a dildo.
She says "Explain this".
He replied "Explain the kids.. "
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an emergency appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered straight into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem. She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and expensive surgical operation."
"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[/FONT][FONT=&]
No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me [/FONT]
[FONT=&]A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]The old man looked off in the distance without answering. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.' [/FONT]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[FONT=&]FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE [/FONT]
[FONT=&]1. [/FONT][FONT=&]Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]2. [/FONT][FONT=&]Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]3. [/FONT][FONT=&]If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]4. [/FONT][FONT=&]Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]5. [/FONT][FONT=&]Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk. [/FONT]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1) Did you fart?cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ...I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,we kin sleep til afternoon.
11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"
the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .
Mom fainted...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has been missing for a week.
The police told me to expect the worst.
I've been to the thrift store getting her cloths back.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
His wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just put a deposit down on a new Porsche,and mentioned on Facebook
"I can't wait till the new 911 gets here"
next thing I got 4000 fucking Muslims added me as friends.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man named Mike in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"After 8yrs of marriage and sex with the lights out Mary turns the light on to find her husband using a dildo.
She says "Explain this".
He replied "Explain the kids.. "
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an emergency appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered straight into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem. She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and expensive surgical operation."
"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[FONT=&]SIMPLE TRUTH 1 [/FONT]
[FONT=&]Partners help each other undress before sex. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]However after sex, they always dress on their own. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]SIMPLE TRUTH 2 [/FONT]
[FONT=&]When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats". [/FONT]
[FONT=&]But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job". [/FONT]
[FONT=&]Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[FONT=&]Partners help each other undress before sex. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]However after sex, they always dress on their own. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]SIMPLE TRUTH 2 [/FONT]
[FONT=&]When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats". [/FONT]
[FONT=&]But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job". [/FONT]
[FONT=&]Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated. [/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT=&]
No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me [/FONT]
[FONT=&]A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]The old man looked off in the distance without answering. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.' [/FONT]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[FONT=&]FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE [/FONT]
[FONT=&]1. [/FONT][FONT=&]Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]2. [/FONT][FONT=&]Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]3. [/FONT][FONT=&]If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]4. [/FONT][FONT=&]Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. [/FONT]
[FONT=&]5. [/FONT][FONT=&]Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk. [/FONT]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Atf rule banning private sales requires FFL rumored for fall.- Latest: Johnny Diamond
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