Official Off Topic Joke Thread - 2011
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A man walks into a bar and sees a brass rat statue on the bar. He asked the bartender about the rat. The bartender told him he could buy the rat for ten dollars and the story of the rat for a hundred dollars. Thinking the rat statue was unique, he bought the rat for ten dollars but not the story.
As the man was walking away from the bar with his new rat statue, he noticed there was a rat following close by. After a few minutes, the single rat had turned into twenty rats. After a few more minutes, there were hundreds of rats following him. He started to run from the now hubdreds of rats but they were right behind him. Thinking quickly, he ran to a nearby pier and threw the rat statue in the water. All the rats started jumping in the water after the statue ultimately drowning.
The man walked back to the bar. The bartender asked him if he was back for the story of the rat statue. The man said no but what are the odds of you havig a brass statue of a democrat?
As the man was walking away from the bar with his new rat statue, he noticed there was a rat following close by. After a few minutes, the single rat had turned into twenty rats. After a few more minutes, there were hundreds of rats following him. He started to run from the now hubdreds of rats but they were right behind him. Thinking quickly, he ran to a nearby pier and threw the rat statue in the water. All the rats started jumping in the water after the statue ultimately drowning.
The man walked back to the bar. The bartender asked him if he was back for the story of the rat statue. The man said no but what are the odds of you havig a brass statue of a democrat?
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks “Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber look around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks…”how long before I can get a haircut?”
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says “about 2 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks “how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says “about an hour and a half”. The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey, Joey, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, “this must be good, where did he go when he left here?”
Joey says, “To your house!”
The barber look around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks…”how long before I can get a haircut?”
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says “about 2 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks “how long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says “about an hour and a half”. The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey, Joey, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, “this must be good, where did he go when he left here?”
Joey says, “To your house!”
A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, “Human beings are the only animals that stutter.”
A little girl raises her hand. saying, “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
The teacher exclaimed, “That must’ve been scary,”
The little girl said, “It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went ‘ Sssss, Sssss, Sssss ‘ and before she could say ‘ Shit, ‘ the Rottweiler ate her!”
The teacher had to leave the room.
A little girl raises her hand. saying, “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
The teacher exclaimed, “That must’ve been scary,”
The little girl said, “It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went ‘ Sssss, Sssss, Sssss ‘ and before she could say ‘ Shit, ‘ the Rottweiler ate her!”
The teacher had to leave the room.
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, "I would have told you to just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, "I would have told you to just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has?
"Ten boys."
"And their names?"
"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."
"All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"
"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'"
"What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"
"Then I calls him by his last name."
"Ten boys."
"And their names?"
"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."
"All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"
"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'"
"What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"
"Then I calls him by his last name."
recalling all of the Arkansas quarters
Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
Dear Mr. Smith
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model
and represent our product, Trojans Condoms.
Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors
feels your wearing of our product does not portray a positive, romantic
image of our product. A loose , baggy, and wrinkled is not considered
romantic.
WE admire your efforts to firm it up by using Poly-Grip, but even then it
slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note
however that until now we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle grip.
We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will keep your application
for future consideration . Should a market ever develope for micro -mini condoms we
will certainly contact you.
We send greetings and our deepest sympathy to your wife /and or girl friend.
LONG WANG
President.
P.S. Remember our slogan:
Cover your stump before you hump.Don't be silly cover your Willy.
Before you attack her, wrap your wacker. If your not going to sack it go home and wack it.
Dear Mr. Smith
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model
and represent our product, Trojans Condoms.
Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors
feels your wearing of our product does not portray a positive, romantic
image of our product. A loose , baggy, and wrinkled is not considered
romantic.
WE admire your efforts to firm it up by using Poly-Grip, but even then it
slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note
however that until now we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle grip.
We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will keep your application
for future consideration . Should a market ever develope for micro -mini condoms we
will certainly contact you.
We send greetings and our deepest sympathy to your wife /and or girl friend.
LONG WANG
President.
P.S. Remember our slogan:
Cover your stump before you hump.Don't be silly cover your Willy.
Before you attack her, wrap your wacker. If your not going to sack it go home and wack it.
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ ~ ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ ~ ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'
Gilgondorin
Active Member
'Two motivational speakers are hired by a school in hopes that one or the both of them will be able to reduce the number of male students that do drugs. The principal will give each speaker 500 students to work with and at the end of the day, he will conduct a survey to see how many promise not to do drugs anymore; the one that impacts the most students wins and will be given a bonus. The afternoon passes in the blink of an eye, and the principle conducts the survey like he said he would. The principle is delighted to find that Speaker 1 was able to successfully get 33% of his students to pledge never to do drugs again in their life. Then he is astounded when the other speaker's survey results show that 93.7% of HIS target audience, pledged never to do drugs in their lives again. Quickly, he calls the two into his office. "How did you approach your group of students?" He asks the first speaker. "It was simple. I drew a big circle and said this was your brain before drugs. Then I drew a small circle, and said this is your brain after drugs." The first speaker says. "And you!" The principle exclaims, to the second. "You were able to get an almost 94% turn-over rate! How on Earth did you do that, in just one day's time?" He asked. The second grins. "It was simple. I drew the two circles also, except I drew the really small one first instead, and said "Okay students, this is your butthole BEFORE going to prison for drugs!"
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
Rules for Singin' the Blues
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of like:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, And she weighs 500 pounds."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You're stuck in a ditch, you're stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train, blues NEVER go on the northbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running! .
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it for the last 6 months.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
Not if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. muddy water
b. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. "Make your own Blues Name" Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon
Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi."
20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even ONE computer, you cannot sing the blues.
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of like:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, And she weighs 500 pounds."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You're stuck in a ditch, you're stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train, blues NEVER go on the northbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running! .
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it for the last 6 months.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
Not if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. muddy water
b. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. "Make your own Blues Name" Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon
Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi."
20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even ONE computer, you cannot sing the blues.
Gilgondorin
Active Member
A man arrives home early from work one afternoon and finds his wife in bed nude, hot and sweaty. Instantly he suspects infidelity, and begins tearing apart the apartment for the guy that she was sleeping with. After an hour of searching and several protests from the wife, he gives up -- and then spots 10 fingers hanging from the fire escape outside their back glass door. Enraged at finally catching the culprit, he runs outside and begins stomping on the man's fingers, then returns with a hammer and beings pounding on them. Finally, the agonized man lets go of the fire escape, and tumbles the 13 stories to the ground, miraculously landing in a thick bush at the bottom. Still infuriated, the husband runs back inside, picks the refrigerator up, and tosses it out the window where it flies the 13 stories down and promptly squashes the fallen man flat, killing him instantly. The strain is too much for the husband to bear, and he has a heart attack and dies.
The man that was killed by the husband arrives at the pearly gates. Unfortunately, heaven is full and St. Peter explains that in order for the man to be admitted into heaven, he had to have had a really, really bad day before he died to get in. "Get this: I was doing my morning exercises on the 14th story balcony of my apartment, when I slip and fall. I thought for sure I was dead, until I miraculously manage to grab the fire escape of the room below me by the finger-tips. Well, some crazy psycho comes out and starts stomping and beating on my fingers, breaking the bones in my hands and making me let go! What's worse, is that I fell 13 stories and landed in a bush, with every bone in my body broken now! Finally, the wack-job throws a refrigerator on top of me and kills me dead!" The man says. Saint Peter immediately lets the man in.
Shortly thereafter, the husband arrives and is informed of the new requirement to get into heaven. "I tell you, St. Peter, I treated my wife like a queen for the last 16 years of our marriage. Never did I raise my voice or hand against her, and then I come home to find out that she's been sleeping around on me! Well, I caught the son of a **** sleeping with her hanging from my fire escape by his fingers, and I got him good! After I broke his fingers and he fell, I threw our refrigerator out onto him and squashed him like the bug he is! The strain was too much for my heart though, and it made me have a heart attack, so I died." The man says. St. Peter smiles because he knows the real story, but also admits the husband into heaven.
Shortly after, a 3rd man arrives at the gates, except he's bald naked. Still, St. Peter informs him that he has to have had a really crappy day to be admitted into heaven. "Did I have a bad day?" The man asks. "Oh boy did I! Picture this: I'm naked inside of a refrigerator...."
The man that was killed by the husband arrives at the pearly gates. Unfortunately, heaven is full and St. Peter explains that in order for the man to be admitted into heaven, he had to have had a really, really bad day before he died to get in. "Get this: I was doing my morning exercises on the 14th story balcony of my apartment, when I slip and fall. I thought for sure I was dead, until I miraculously manage to grab the fire escape of the room below me by the finger-tips. Well, some crazy psycho comes out and starts stomping and beating on my fingers, breaking the bones in my hands and making me let go! What's worse, is that I fell 13 stories and landed in a bush, with every bone in my body broken now! Finally, the wack-job throws a refrigerator on top of me and kills me dead!" The man says. Saint Peter immediately lets the man in.
Shortly thereafter, the husband arrives and is informed of the new requirement to get into heaven. "I tell you, St. Peter, I treated my wife like a queen for the last 16 years of our marriage. Never did I raise my voice or hand against her, and then I come home to find out that she's been sleeping around on me! Well, I caught the son of a **** sleeping with her hanging from my fire escape by his fingers, and I got him good! After I broke his fingers and he fell, I threw our refrigerator out onto him and squashed him like the bug he is! The strain was too much for my heart though, and it made me have a heart attack, so I died." The man says. St. Peter smiles because he knows the real story, but also admits the husband into heaven.
Shortly after, a 3rd man arrives at the gates, except he's bald naked. Still, St. Peter informs him that he has to have had a really crappy day to be admitted into heaven. "Did I have a bad day?" The man asks. "Oh boy did I! Picture this: I'm naked inside of a refrigerator...."
AcidFlashGordon
TGT Addict
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
Dr. Phil: "The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on THIS side of the road before it goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems."
Oprah: "Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
George W. Bush: ""We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here."
Colin Powell: "Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road..."
Anderson Cooper - CNN: "We have reason to believe that there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road."
John Kerry: "Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it."
Nancy Grace: "That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks."
Bill Gates: "I have just released eChicken2012 which will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...@$%#%$ ...REBOOT."
Al Gore: "I invented the chicken."
Grandpa: "In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough."
Dr. Phil: "The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on THIS side of the road before it goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems."
Oprah: "Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
George W. Bush: ""We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here."
Colin Powell: "Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road..."
Anderson Cooper - CNN: "We have reason to believe that there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road."
John Kerry: "Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it."
Nancy Grace: "That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks."
Bill Gates: "I have just released eChicken2012 which will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...@$%#%$ ...REBOOT."
Al Gore: "I invented the chicken."
Grandpa: "In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough."
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose
bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
enquired,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned ....'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before ?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little shit head.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose
bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
enquired,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned ....'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before ?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little shit head.
Im using that one. lol
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