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Official Off Topic Joke Thread - 2011

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  • barstoolguru

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    A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

    An old man on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

    The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

    "That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

    "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

    The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

    "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

    Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! something whips by him, going much faster!

    "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself

    Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! and it looked like the old man on the moped!

    "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"

    But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka- bblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

    The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my god! Is there anything I can do for you?"

    The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders... from your side-view mirror..."
    DK Firearms
     

    barstoolguru

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    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

    A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

    The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

    The man replies "No; what do you mean?"

    She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."

    Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

    Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

    "No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

    "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

    The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

    "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

    The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.
     

    barstoolguru

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    A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?

    "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

    Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?

    "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?

    "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

    The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious
     

    barstoolguru

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    Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby.

    The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely

    Caucasian,white baby boy.

    "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.

    "Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"

    The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "well, two

    Wong's don't make a white, so I tink we name him Sum Ting Wong.
     

    barstoolguru

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    A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

    The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."

    "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

    The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

    On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

    The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

    "Yeah, my wife..."
     

    RWSutt33

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    Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
    Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
    Here are the scorecards from the event:
    CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
    FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
    CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
    CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
    CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
    CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !
    CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
    CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
    FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
    CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).


     

    orbitup

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    Glockster69 walks into a bar and orders 6 tequila shots lined up.

    The bartender asks "What are you celebrating? "

    Glockster69 says "My first blowjob. "

    Bartender says "Well, let me buy you one more. "

    Glockster69 says "No thanks, if 6 shots won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will. "

    :) kidding :beer:

    Sent from my MZ617 using Tapatalk
     

    308nato

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    Between Tomball & Waller
    Some new TSA bumper stickers.

    Can't see london ,cant see France, unless we see your underpants.
    Groupe discounts available.
    Only we know if lady GA GA is a lady.
    Wanna fly , drop your fly.
    If we did our job better we would have to buy you dinner first.
    Don't worry my hands are still warm from the last guy.
    We handle more packages than UPS.
    When in doubt we make you wip it out.

    T S A , Touchin, Squeezin, Arrestin.
     

    Glockster69

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    @ orbitup

    Ziiiinnnnng

    from friend to blocked just like that


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    ....xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


    art credit: AKMike
     

    Glockster69

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    @ scooter



    .......................xx
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    too


    art credit: AKMike
     

    orbitup

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    Waxyscratchy
    @ orbitup

    Ziiiinnnnng

    from friend to blocked just like that


    .......................xx
    .....................xxxx
    .....................xxxx
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    .......xx....xx....xxxx...xx........xxx
    .....xxxx..xxxx..xxxx..xxxx......xxxx
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    art credit: AKMike

    Just joshin' big guy.

    That's what buds do... That whole "yer gay" back and forth thing.

    Sent from my MZ617 using Tapatalk
     

    AKM

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    LOL "art credit" I forgot about that
    @ scooter



    .......................xx
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    too


    art credit: AKMike
     

    barstoolguru

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    On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

    "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

    He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

    At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

    "How much for a season pass?"
     

    bryonbush

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    Terrell
    one day three midgets decide they want to go for new world records. so they all meet up with an official judge and they start. the first midget goes up to the judge and says "i want to go for the worlds smallest hands." after a few measurements, he was the award. Midget two goes up and says "i want to go for the worlds smallest feet." he pops off his shoes and gets all measured up and wins the award. The third midget goes to the judge and says "im going for the worlds smallest weener." so he pulls it out, gets it measured and the judge, with great remorse, "sorry son, but you didnt quite make it" pointing to a name on the book. the midget slamms the book out of the judges hand and walks back to the other two. they ask "hey man what wrong, why didnt you win?!" the third midget storms off saying " WHO THE HELL IS ORBITUP?"

    sorry man.. had to use someone lol.
     

    bryonbush

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    Terrell
    two men go on a sailing trip and get cast away in a big sea storm and was stranded on a small island. while on the island, they were captured by the viliage tribals and brought to the village to be aten. the head warror said to the two men, " either be killed or be raped by the warrior men of the tribe who are all very well endoud" the first man says " F* this crap, kill me!" so they grant him his wish and kill the man. the head warror then askes the other man which option he would choose. after a short pause, the second man chooses the raping. the head worrior then throws up his hands and with a big smile yells " its official, death by bunghole it is!"
     

    orbitup

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    Waxyscratchy
    one day three midgets decide they want to go for new world records. so they all meet up with an official judge and they start. the first midget goes up to the judge and says "i want to go for the worlds smallest hands." after a few measurements, he was the award. Midget two goes up and says "i want to go for the worlds smallest feet." he pops off his shoes and gets all measured up and wins the award. The third midget goes to the judge and says "im going for the worlds smallest weener." so he pulls it out, gets it measured and the judge, with great remorse, "sorry son, but you didnt quite make it" pointing to a name on the book. the midget slamms the book out of the judges hand and walks back to the other two. they ask "hey man what wrong, why didnt you win?!" the third midget storms off saying " WHO THE HELL IS ORBITUP?"

    sorry man.. had to use someone lol.

    It is big enough for your mom to gag on.

    Sent from my MZ617 using Tapatalk
     
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