Sunday Joke Thread

[Hoji]

You sound a little wound up. You should try vaping.


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Pretty sure I am never going to need to get my "fix" by putting my mouth around a vibrator looking phallic device and activating a switch that ejaculates nicotine into my mouth.

Vaping is a gateway drug to giving $5 blowjobs on a urine soaked truck stop bathroom floor to guys named Chuck.

No thank you.

 

[Younggun]

Why you gonna bring Chuck in to this?


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[Sugar Land]

It will cost you a lot more than $5.

 

[Hoji]

Why you gonna bring Chuck in to this?


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I am an equal opportunity offensive kind of guy.

 

[Rebel]

I think the sun is getting to Hoji; someone bring him a hat, preferably one with a flat bill.

 

[Hoji]

I think the sun is getting to Hoji; someone bring him a hat, preferably one with a flat bill.

I will tear off and eat the arms of anyone who brings me a flat brim hat to wear.

 

[Vaquero]

"Hojier than thou".
I better bail outta here.

 

[Charlie]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: The heart is only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste it on exercise. Everything will wear out eventually
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; it's like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take water out of the fruity bits so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain is a good thing!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food is fried in vegetable oil. How can getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain the whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

 

[vmax]

"Hojier than thou".
.

And you owe me a keyboard for that one ..I still have coffee coming out my nose

 

[vmax]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: The heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste it on exercise. Everything will wear out eventually
Speeding up heart will not make you live longer; it's like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take water out of the fruity bits so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food is fried in vegetable oil. How can getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain the whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Funny but it sounds like it was written by a Chinaman

 

[Charlie]

Yeah, it does. I've been trying to correct all that chit but I'm still working on it.

 

[Charlie]

Oh shit! I'm missing the Lip Sync Battle show! Gotta' go!

 

[jpfabricator]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: The heart is only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste it on exercise. Everything will wear out eventually
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; it's like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take water out of the fruity bits so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain is a good thing!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food is fried in vegetable oil. How can getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain the whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

I like this Dr.

Sent from somwhere in east Texas by Jake!

 

[Charlie]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife...
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know." The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the yard. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark
"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

 

[BRD@66]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife...
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know." The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the yard. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark
"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

I like 'em when I can't see the punch line coming.

 

[Charlie]

Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
________________________

 

[Younggun]

Two guys are pulled over and one talks smack to the cop, who pulls him out of the car and beats the crap out of him. He then snatches the other guy out and beats the crap out of him.

Second guy goes: " Why did you beat me up? I didn't say anything." Cop says: " Because I know how you guys are, I wouldn't be a mile down the road ,and you'd be telling your buddy you wished I had tried that shit on you."


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[SloppyShooter]

I'm Sloppy Shooter, and I approve this message. ^^^^

 

[Bozz10mm]

I had a joke, but now I gotta wait til next Sunday.

 

[Charlie]

There is the "Mond

I had a joke, but now I gotta wait til next Sunday.

There is, of course, the Monday Joke Thread.