Friday Joke Thread!

[robertc1024]

What do you call a bunch of kids born in a whore house?

Brothel sprouts.....

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, " I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, " But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.

"Two dogs, please." Says the mother superior. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part of the dog did you get?"

 

[Frank59]

Wonder woman was having sex with the invisible man on top of a building when superman flew over and saw WW spread eagle and seeming ling unassuming. So superman sweeps down and nails WW and she asks the invisible man..."What was that?"...The invisible man sez.." I don't know but my butthole sure is sore"

 

[BRD@66]

The kinderkarten teacher started school every morning by teaching the kids one new English word. She would then ask them to make sentences to show they understand the use of the word.
On this particular morning she chose the word "frugal" and explained that it has to do with 'saving', like 'if you are frugal, you save'.
The kids really had trouble trying to make sentences with this one, untileventually little Sally gets up and says she has a story...
"One day, many many years ago there was a beautiful princess who lived in a wonderful castle in a wonderful land. One afternoon the little princess went for a walk in the woods outside the castle, picking flowers as she went.
Suddenly, after a while she realised that she had lost her way and had no idea how to get back to the castle.
Fortunately just then she noticed a clearing in the woods ahead, and in the middle of the clearing sat a handsome prince on his white horse!
So she ran to the prince and said, "Oh prince, frugal me, frugal me", and he frugalled her and they lived happily ever after"

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Frugal#ixzz5iulJguq9

 

[Just Geri]

A Man and his Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 

[orbitup]

I put this in the funny pic thread. I should have put it here.

Just heard Ron White talking about Bill Cosby. He said "Cosby hated cussing, and nobody cusses more than a wide awake woman being raped".

 

[BRD@66]

A Man and his Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Much better than the 10" tall piano player version.

 

[digger]

My wife asked me why I always wear a pistol around the house.
I told her I didn't trust the CIA....she laughed, I laughed and the Amazon Echo laughed.

 

[avvidclif]

The Italian Wedding

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me.... It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day my fiancé’s 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said,
'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:

" Always keep your condoms in your car! "

 

[tinplas]

 

[tinplas]