New "New" joke thread

[Jakashh]

Since the new joke thread was locked up in the now gone man cave, i figured i'd start a new new joke thread.


So there's this guy and his sister in my Chem class. They're from asia and the guy's name is vinh and the girl is named linh. I'm pretty cool with vinh so he starts telling me how people make fun of his name and he wants to change it to an average one like Lee. I'm studying government, so I know the process to do this. So, I take him and his sister, she's kinda cute, to the place to get it done. As it comes to their turn in line, linh pulls out her purse to pay for the process cause she wants an American name now too. Just then, their Super stereotypical Asian dad busts into the office and starts yelling in moonspeak. Vinh has to yell back that it was hurting him emotionally and even linh speaks up to her father. The old man then starts busting out in tears and says. I've only wanted the best for my children. If this is what you want, do it. The dad pulls out his wallet and screams in fractured English: DONT STOP, BE LEE, VINH HOLD ON TO THAT FEE, LINH

 

[southtexaspilot]

Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom says to the other one, "I've lost an electron!


The 2nd atom replies, "Are you sure?"


Says the 1st atom, "I'm positive."

W

 

[dbgun]

Boots
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Wyoming .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought a pair and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today , it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow ."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, Ya Shoulda bought a hat."

 

[shortround]

A remarkable folk are the Persians.

They have such peculiar diversions.

They make love all day, in the normal way,

Then save their nights for perversions.

 

[Acera]

A three legged dog walks into a bar.

The bartender asks him if he can help him.

The dog replies, "I am looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

[Texasjack]

Termite walks into a bar and climbs on to a stool. Looks at the customer next to him and says, "Is the bar tender here?

 

[southtexaspilot]

I'd tell you more chemistry jokes but they argon.

W

 

[PhulesAu]

Bell Curve Of Success

---

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a driver's license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

 

[96fordsix]

Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yeah know, I reckon I'm
'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy
Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

"I'm taking Earlene with me".

 

[dbgun]

Alter boy at confession
Altar boy: “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
Priest: “Is that you, Dominic Savino?'
Altar boy: “Yes, Father, it is.”
Priest: “Who was the girl?”
Altar boy: “I cannot tell you, Father. I do not want to ruin her reputation.”
Priest: "Well, Dominic, I am sure to find out her name, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
Altar boy: “I cannot say.”
Priest: “Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
Altar boy: “I will never tell.“
Priest: “Was it Nina Capelli?”
Altar boy: “I am sorry, Father. I cannot name her.”
The priest sighed in frustration and replied: “You are very tight-lipped, and I admire that. However, you have sinned and must atone: therefore, you cannot be an altar boy for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Dominic returned to his pew and his friend Franco slid over and whispered, “What did you get?”
Dominic replied: “Four months of vacation and two hot leads!”

 

[JColumbus]

Obama...

 

[Charlie]

Obama...

Post of the day ............... so far!

 

[Vaquero]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...back and forth..... in and out..........*
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.*

She was getting near to the end.*

Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....*

Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.*

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,*

"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the f#@kincar!!! You do it. !!!"*

 

[Younggun]

That's funny as hell.

 

[dbgun]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...back and forth..... in and out..........*
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.*

She was getting near to the end.*

Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....*

Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.*

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,*

"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the f#@kincar!!! You do it. !!!"*

LOL. Good one!

 

[stdreb27]

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?


Look! Donut seeds!!!!

 

[Major Kong]

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?


Look! Donut seeds!!!!

I actually had my kids convinced of that when they were younger. I went with it go long enough to help them plant some in the back yard. When they didn't grow I fessed up.

Sent from my XT907 using Tapatalk

 

[jimbo]

Post of the day ............... so far!

Yes, Yes, I agree

 

[franzas]

President Clinton just arrived at the White House on Marine 1, back from a trip to Arkansas. He stepped out of the helicopter carrying a razorback under each arm. A secret serviceman greets him.

SS:
"Nice pigs, sir."

Clinton:
"Thanks, I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."

SS:
"Nice trade, sir!"

 

[franzas]

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my dick down your throat.