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  • matefrio

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    Weight Loss Program

    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.


    The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..


    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."


    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.


    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".


    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.


    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.


    "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."


    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy aka MPA1988 standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
    Hurley's Gold
     
    Last edited:

    ZX9RCAM

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    An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
    He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
    The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
    The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

    Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...








    "SUPPLIES!!"
     

    ZX9RCAM

    Over the Rainbow bridge...
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    Billy Bob went to Texas A & M University on a football scholarship. He was a great running back. He wasn't that good of a student however.

    On graduation day, Billy Bob didn't quite have enough credits go get his diploma. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Billy Bob could answer one question correctly, he would give him a diploma.

    The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. If you answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma."

    Billy Bob said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "How much is seven times seven?"
    Billy Bob looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just pondering the question.

    The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!" Then Billy Bob held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Billy Bob said, "I think I know the answer. Seven times seven is forty nine."

    A hush fell over the auditorium and the A & M Aggie students began another chant.

    "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
     

    ZX9RCAM

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    Wong Chow calls into work and says, 'I no come work today, I really sick.
    Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work..'


    The boss says, 'You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today.
    When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
    That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'


    Two hours later Wong Chow calls again.
    'I do what you say and I feel great... I be at work soon.....You got nice house.'
     

    matefrio

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    At breakfast, the husband says to his wife "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

    " I'd take half and leave you" she says.

    "Great" he says. " I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch".
     

    matefrio

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    Compiled from this thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/24m722/what_is_the_best_oneliner_joke_you_know/

    I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

    My grandfather had the heart of a Lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo

    I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl who would get angry if she heard me say that. -Mitch Hedberg

    I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won. I replied, "Yeah, man, you're free."

    I used to be pessimistic, I stopped caring when I decided there was probably nothing I could do about it

    I once thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.

    Sure, I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?

    It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they're always taking things literally.

    If life hands you melons, you might be dyslexic.

    Studies suggest that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

    I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

    What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

    This joke is dedicated to my dad, who was a roofer, so dad, if you're up there...

    The advantage of easy origami is twofold.

    I once dated a girl who had a prosthetic breast made out of oak. You'd think that would be weird, wooden tit?

    I had a dream I was Chinese but, when I woke up, I was disoriented.

    One of the newborns in the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a stuffed donkey; ICU baby, shaking that ass.

    Studies show that women who carry extra weight live longer than men who bring it up.

    I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

    'Will you marry me?' I spelt in balloons outside my girlfriend's place. Then I saw her face, and I popped the question.

    What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

    How can you tell a blind man at a nudist beach? It ain't hard.

    Self deprication is the best form of humor, I'm just no good at it.

    I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.

    I don't have the patients to be a doctor.

    A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.

    I like my slaves like I like my coffee, free

    Did you hear about the Mexican train thief? He had loco motives.

    Tampon jokes aren't funny, period.

    That's the thing about Mexican and black jokes... Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

    What do you call a deer with its eyes removed? No eye deer

    What do you call a deer with its eyes removed? No eye deer

    I had a pizza joke, but it was too cheesy.

    Monorails make great one-liners.

    Two drums then a cymbal fall off a roof...

    The man who was exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    The past, the present, and the future all walked into a bar. It was tense.

    I used to have a fear of speed bumps, but I got over it.

    Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Something's fishy about this."

    I think I already told you my déjà vu joke.

    Photons don't even matter.

    You hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the forest?

    My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them.

    I lost my mood ring, and I'm not sure how I feel about that

    my wife's cooking is so bad the neighborhood flies took up a collection to fix the screen door.

    My girlfriend makes me want to be a better man, so I can get a better girlfriend.

    I hate German sausages, they are the wurst

    Two Nazis walk into a BAR - Gun related and even.

    A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says "one with everything"

    My Girlfriend used to smoke after we had sex, that's when we decided to start using lubricant

    Did you hear the one about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

    I hate being bipolar it's awesome!

    I want to start working with horses, It's a stable job.

    How many dyslexics does it change to take a lightbulb?

    You're not my real ladder! I shouted at my step ladder

    I had the cure for amnesia once, but I've forgotten it

    The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.

    I see, said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw....

    You have more issues than a magazine.

    I'll never forget what's his name.

    I spent all night wondering where the sun went then it dawned on me!

    Discount circumcisions are such are rip off.

    If you want to start up a company, that's your own business.

    A bicycle could not stand on its own because it was two tired.

    The comedian threw his garbage can out after he forgot he had one-liner.

    It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do

    Looked in the dictionary the other day. Did you know that everything starts with an E?

    I wanted to see where the Indians live... but I have my reservations.


    When it comes to charity, some people will stop at nothing...

    An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

    A freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

    I hate people that talk when i interrupt them !

    When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie, THAT'S A MORAY.

    A sink is knocking on your door, let that sink in.

    You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

    I've got a great one-liner about noble gases, but the last time I told it there was no reaction.

    I used to work at a juice factory; I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

    Whiteboards are remarkable

    Somebody keeps adding more soil to my allotment. Hmmmm, the plot thickens.

    Did you hear the one about the truck driver that pulled out to avoid a kid?

    in conclusion, the list goes on
     

    Just Geri

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    The bicycle
    A priest was about to leave his year of mission work in
    the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives in their language,
    when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them much was how to
    speak English.

    So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to
    the chief, "This is a tree."

    The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

    The Priest is pleased with the response.

    They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

    The chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

    The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
    rustling in the bushes.

    As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy
    sexual activity.

    The priest is really flustered and quickly says, "Man riding a bike."

    The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them
    both.

    The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
    teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could
    he kill these people in cold blood that way?

    The chief replied, ”My bike."​
     
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