New "New" joke thread

[robertc1024]

Resuscitation post:

A man was telling his buddy: “You won't believe what happened last night." My daughter walked into the living room and said: “Dad, do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my allowance, throw away all my clothes and take my iPhone and laptop. In addition, please take all of my jewelry to Salvation Army.

Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and lock me out of your house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose."

"Holy Smokes", replied the friend, "She actually said that?"

The father replied: "Well, she didn't actually put it quite like that." What she said was: "Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary’s 2016 election campaign."

 

[ContactLeft]

The horror!! The horror!

That story should be told around the campfire under a full moon. Good one though.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Just Geri]

I had not heard this one yet. Had to share...

The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.

 

[ZX9RCAM]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE……

Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona , when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.
The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.

"What in bag?" asked the old man.

Fred looked down at the brown bag and said:

"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
‎
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

"Good trade"

 

[WTK]

Great I was looking for the humor section and was surprised not to find one. I have a few humorous stories I have gotten a few miles out of. This is one of my favorite line from H. Beam Piper.




Good advice and good humor

 

[IXLR8]

An american businessman travels to Japan. After he arrives, he has some time to kill so he gets a japanese hooker. When they are having sex the hooker starts screaming "kawasaki", "Kawasaki!"... The man thinks for a moment that this must be some sort of praise in japanese.

The next day he is playing golf with some japanese executives, and he witnesses a fantastic 20 foot putt. Not knowing the japanese language, he remembered what the hooker said, and shouted "Kawasaki". The man who made the putt, looked at him with a puzzled look and said, "What do you mean... wrong hole?"

 

[Dawico]

Where do suicide bombers go when they die?


EVERYWHERE!

 

[BIGPAPIGREG]

a termite walks into a pub, jumps up on the bar and says, "Is the bar-tender here?????

 

[DubiousDan]

An american businessman travels to Japan. After he arrives, he has some time to kill so he gets a japanese hooker. When they are having sex the hooker starts screaming "kawasaki", "Kawasaki!"... The man thinks for a moment that this must be some sort of praise in japanese.

The next day he is playing golf with some japanese executives, and he witnesses a fantastic 20 foot putt. Not knowing the japanese language, he remembered what the hooker said, and shouted "Kawasaki". The man who made the putt, looked at him with a puzzled look and said, "What do you mean... wrong hole?"

I ust'a have a Wrong Hole 500. Great bike.

 

[WTK]

I'm sure this has been posted before but I love it

The Rules of Fighting

Drill Sergeant SFC Joe B. Frick's Rules For A Gunfight

1. Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap - life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap - funerals are expensive
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly
5. Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun
6. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived
7. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the bad guys, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Intruder," "Glock" or "Winchester?
8. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun
9. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty
10. Stretch the rules. Always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose
11. Have a plan
12. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. "No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy.
13. Use cover or concealment as much as possible, but remember, sheetrock walls and the like stop nothing but your pulse when bullets tear through them
14. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours
15. Don't drop your guard: Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Practice reloading one-handed and off-hand shooting. That's how you live if hit in your "good" side
16. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't (In God we trust. Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.
17. Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH
18. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get
19. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you: Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one
20. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation
21. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than "4".
22. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket." At a practice session, throw your gun into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later
23. Practice shooting in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc
24. Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature
25. The only thing you EVER say afterwards is, "He said he was going to kill me. I believed him. I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm very upset now. I can't say anything more. Please speak with my attorney."

Finally, Drill Sergeant Frick's Rules For Un-armed Combat.

1. Never be unarmed.

 

[Rebel]

Sterling and Glockster traded handguns

 

[BIGPAPIGREG]

Sterling and Glockster traded handguns

....................................................................................

 

[shortround]

A man walks into a bar full of auto mechanics. The man has a set of Jumper Cables wrapped around his shoulders.

The bar keep yells out: "Hey man, you trying to start something here?"

 

[WTK]

No one ever calls a Glock pretty

 

[IXLR8]

removed.

 

[BIGPAPIGREG]

View attachment 34884

yerdoing it wrong......

 

[BIGPAPIGREG]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. ...I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

[Charlie]

One day many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's Mike and I'm okay thanks," I replied.
"Mike, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a few restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. "So I best go no
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile: "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"


"Probably still under the cart......" I said.

 

[Hoji]

Two rednecks were walking along when they saw a dog licking his balls. One said I wish I could do that! The other said, that dog'll bite you!

 

[Dawico]

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. Stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"