New "New" joke thread

[franzas]

Osama bin Laden and one of his lieutenants are riding a camel walking through the desert. Osama gets off and lifts the camel's tail. His lieutenant asks "What are you doing?" Osama replies, "A few miles back I heard someone say "Look at the two assholes on that camel.""

 

[gdouthit]

"Bessie the Mule: Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?," questioned the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked down at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" Now, after what he'd done to my mule, do you think i was going to tell him the truth?"

 

[gdouthit]

Illegal Alien: A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA!.... Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 English words in a sentence." The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, .... OK........ The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

 

[ZX9RCAM]

"Bessie the Mule: Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?," questioned the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked down at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" Now, after what he'd done to my mule, do you think i was going to tell him the truth?"

Made me laugh....

 

[gdouthit]

Interstate Chase: Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?" The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

 

[gdouthit]

Fire Chief Clothes: A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

 

[Odiferous]

Pinnochio goes to his doctor and says "Doc, I have a problem. My d*** gets splinters and it hurts my girlfriend when we have sex." The doctor thinks about it and prescribes him some sandpaper. "Here you go," says the doctor. "Just sand yourself down a bit beforehand and your girlfriend will love it." A few weeks later, Pinnocchio runs into the doctor in a store. The doctor asks "So, how did your girlfriend like my remedy?" Pinnocchio replies "Girlfriend? Who the hell needs a girlfriend?"

 

[matefrio]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.
"I’m entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine."
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio

 

[franzas]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio

 

[MikeTx]

Clem and Flem were sitting on their porch in Appalachia, trying to pass the time.
Clem says, "How 'bout we play 20 questions?"
Flem asks, "How d'ya play that?"
Clem says, " Well, I think of somethin' and ya have to guess what it is by askin' me questions. Ya get 20. Most times you guess the answer in 10 or 15 questions."

Flem says, "Awright, let's go."
Clem thinks for a minute, then writes down "Horse Dick." "Go ahead," he says.
Flem asks, "Can ya eat it?"
Clem says, "Well....I guess so.. sure, you could eat it."
Flem says, "Uh...is it horse dick?"

 

[single stack]

Penguins love ice cream
Penguin Pete was out for a drive on a pretty summers day when his car began behaving badly. It sputtered and smoked. Pete pulled into a repair shop to have the car looked at. The mechanic told him it might take a little time to find the problem so Pete decided to go for a walk. Just down the street Pete found an ice cream shop. Well, everybody knows that penguins LOVE ice cream. Pete bought a vanilla cone and headed back to the car repair shop. The cone was difficult for Pete to hold onto, what with flippers and all. Pete was making a mess enjoying his cone. By the time he got back to the shop he had ice cream all over. The mechanic saw Pete and came out to meet him. The mechanic said " It looks like you blew a seal." Pete says "No, no, it's ice cream! Honest!"

 

[ZX9RCAM]

Penguins love ice cream
Penguin Pete was out for a drive on a pretty summers day when his car began behaving badly. It sputtered and smoked. Pete pulled into a repair shop to have the car looked at. The mechanic told him it might take a little time to find the problem so Pete decided to go for a walk. Just down the street Pete found an ice cream shop. Well, everybody knows that penguins LOVE ice cream. Pete bought a vanilla cone and headed back to the car repair shop. The cone was difficult for Pete to hold onto, what with flippers and all. Pete was making a mess enjoying his cone. By the time he got back to the shop he had ice cream all over. The mechanic saw Pete and came out to meet him. The mechanic said " It looks like you blew a seal." Pete says "No, no, it's ice cream! Honest!"

Classic!

 

[Sugar Land]

That one never gets old

 

[matefrio]

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance.

All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church." A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the city?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest.

Once again, Dopey stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in the state?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.

The dwarfs continue their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?"

The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country,there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!"

Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey screwed a penguin. Dopey screwed a penguin. Dopey screwed a penguin."

 

[shortround]

Dominus vo Biscum ...

"Father, where are you."

"Hinter dem Altar und Scheisse".

"I'm behind the podium and taking a shit."

 

[matefrio]

A Complete Ranking Of (Almost) Every Single Mitch Hedberg Joke

 

[PhulesAu]

Poor Phil - Long Range Hunting Online Magazine

 

[MikeTx]

Penguins love ice cream
Penguin Pete was out for a drive on a pretty summers day when his car began behaving badly. It sputtered and smoked. Pete pulled into a repair shop to have the car looked at. The mechanic told him it might take a little time to find the problem so Pete decided to go for a walk. Just down the street Pete found an ice cream shop. Well, everybody knows that penguins LOVE ice cream. Pete bought a vanilla cone and headed back to the car repair shop. The cone was difficult for Pete to hold onto, what with flippers and all. Pete was making a mess enjoying his cone. By the time he got back to the shop he had ice cream all over. The mechanic saw Pete and came out to meet him. The mechanic said " It looks like you blew a seal." Pete says "No, no, it's ice cream! Honest!"

 

[ZX9RCAM]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

 

[gdouthit]

Lol

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N900A using Tapatalk