New "New" joke thread

[Charlie]

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don't have acne.
Life is great.I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

 

[matefrio]

A gas station owner in Texas was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

 

[Dawico]

Old man buys a Corvette and speeds off onto the interstate. He sees a State Trooper with it's lights on chasing him. He looks down and sees he is going 90 mph.

He kicks it up to 100 mph thinking he will lose the cop. Nope, so he kicks it up to 110 then 120. The cop is still on his tail.

The old man says screw it, I am too old for this and pulls over.

The trooper walks up and states that it is Friday afternoon and he doesn't want to deal with all the paperwork of arresting the old man right before he gets off his shift. If you can give me an excuse for speeding like that that I haven't heard before I will let you go.

The old man replies that his wife left him years ago for a State Trooper. He thought the trooper was trying to bring her back so he was running.

The trooper nods his head and says to have a good weekend as he walks back to his car and drives off.

 

[Vaquero]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.* 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.* I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it* has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'* 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'
* * * *
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,* a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.* The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed* up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was* green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and* matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just* enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
* * * *
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'

 

[DubiousDan]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.* 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.* I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it* has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'* 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'
* * * *
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,* a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.* The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed* up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was* green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and* matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just* enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
* * * *
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'

 

[Rebel]

*adopts redneck accent*

What d'ya call a blind deer?
No idea'r

What d'ya call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea'r

What d'ya call a blind deer with no legs and no penis?
Still no fuckin' idea'r

 

[ZX9RCAM]

A classic....


The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General. As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and there are characters in it... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek,'

"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered in his ear... "That's because it takes place in the future."

 

[Rebel]

Ted Cruz picked Carly Fiorina as his running mate.

Wait, shoot... wrong thread...

 

[BRD@66]

Wait, shoot... wrong thread...

-or not.

 

[Mike1234567]

A DEA Officer stopped at my farm yesterday and said, "I need to inspect your property for illegal drug growing."

I said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there."

Obviously very agitated, the Officer showed me his badge and said, "Mister, I am a Federal Agent. See this FRIGGIN' badge? It means I can go wherever I damn-well please, whenever I damn-well please, without your permission. Have I made myself clear, sir?!"

I nodded politely, apologized and continued with my daily chores.

A few minutes later I heard very loud screams so I looked up to see the agent running for his life from my prize-winning bull and it seemed likely he would be badly gored before reaching safety on the other side of the fence.

I immediately threw down my tools and began running to help the poor man.

As I reached shouting distance I yelled, "Your badge... show him your FRIGGIN' badge!!"

 

[ZX9RCAM]

Supposed to be "new" jokes, lol....

 

[Mike1234567]

Sorry... how 'bout this one?

A bathroom tissue is winning big at the craps table.

What did he say to his always-present friend?

"Shit, I'm on a roll!!"

 

[BRD@66]

Supposed to be "new" jokes, lol....

Yeah, but that's just a good joke. How can you tell when an auto mechanic has had sex?
He's got one clean finger. Ewww.

 

[MikePotts]

This is a German TV advertisement, about 1 minute long. use your interweb pixie things wisely:

 

[orbitup]

NSFW so please don't read if you are squeamish.

I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish...

I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish. When she got to my place, she asked if we could just masturbate to some foot porn together instead of having sex. It wasn't what I had in mind, but I agreed anyway. At the end of it, both of us felt pretty disgusted by the whole thing, and she started getting dressed to leave without a word.

"Wait!", I said. "Why don't you stay awhile and we'll try again later?"

To my surprise, she obliged. Things went a lot better the second time and she ended up staying the night.

The next morning, she asked me why I thought the first time went so poorly.

"I don't know", I replied. "I guess we just got off on the wrong foot."

 

[DubiousDan]

NSFW so please don't read if you are squeamish.

I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish...

I met up with this girl the other night that also has a foot fetish. When she got to my place, she asked if we could just masturbate to some foot porn together instead of having sex. It wasn't what I had in mind, but I agreed anyway. At the end of it, both of us felt pretty disgusted by the whole thing, and she started getting dressed to leave without a word.

"Wait!", I said. "Why don't you stay awhile and we'll try again later?"

To my surprise, she obliged. Things went a lot better the second time and she ended up staying the night.

The next morning, she asked me why I thought the first time went so poorly.

"I don't know", I replied. "I guess we just got off on the wrong foot."

Groan

 

[Charlie]

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures the next morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"
The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?"

"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
////////////////////////////

 

[BRD@66]

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband," he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then," he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "that's me before the operation."

 

[Charlie]

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband," he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then," he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "that's me before the operation."

Classic!

 

[BRD@66]

Big People Words


A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana."
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT"