Fiancée & firearms

[Byrd666]

I would like to know the correct response to "It's so hot", "It's too hot in here", "It's too hot outside", etc.

That's simple. "Yes, Dear."

You will also notice, I'm single.

 

[Bozz10mm]

That's simple. "Yes, Dear."

You will also notice, I'm single.

That's just it, there is no correct answer...

My usual response is "You've got be kidding!"

Or sometimes, a preemptive "It's a little cool, don't ya think?"

 

[Wildcat Diva]

I would like to know the correct response to "It's so hot", "It's too hot in here", "It's too hot outside", etc.

For me, from my spouse, it’s an answer showing acknowledgement, understanding and acceptance of my experience. If you don’t agree that, for you, it’s hot, that’s not a problem.

Something like, “ok, let’s get out of the sun and into the shade.” Ok to add that you’re not uncomfortable. I’m not looking to be “right,” (about it being hot outside) I just don’t want to feel invalidated by my experience being challenged as relevant.

Similarly, if a task is difficult for me and not for
you, the correct answer is not “ it’s not that hard.”

Right answer for me, from my spouse, is one to notice and accept that, for ME, it truly is a challenge. It’s great to also add encouragement that I can work to improve if I want to, and even if you share that for YOU, you really need me to kick it into high gear and get better at it. Something like, “it does seem hard (to you). That’s ok. You’ll figure out what it do.” For me, offering help is ok, too. Or just encouragement that practice will teach me. Or, if your guess is that I feel it’s impossible (you
can check that too, ask if it seems so), say that. Say “you seem really frustrated.”

If “it’s not that hard,” is the best you can do... (and I do understand that sometimes, the above
is just not “in” a person, ie, you are not “feeling it”) my preference is to keep that thought to yourself, because it’s not going to help anything between us to say it.

If you do just spout stuff like the above, I’ll have to just deal with it by either ignoring it, getting pissed at you for being a dick, deciding that you don’t mean to be a dick by that and it’s just “situation normal,” or by explaining to you how your response affects me and deal with the fallout from that (maybe it’s annoying to YOU for me to critique your response).

 

[Wildcat Diva]

Think it is more a woman thing. I am guessing your experience in psychology only furthers that.

I like short and concise. My wife would say I don't listen to her but hey, I can only take so much.

Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalk

That’s understandable. I don’t care for
walls of text or blah-blah-blah-boring opinions either.

But...
The response you quoted as needing cliff notes was broken up into snippets of a couple sentences each, right (with breaks)? So not super cumbersome?

And while it may seem blah blah blah to you, my post meant something to me. I wasn’t just trying to waste our time.

I don’t know how else to be (detail-focused). I’m not keen to change my style of writing. More concise might be better, but my mind don’t work that way. Shaping my natural bent would make me posting here more work and less fun for me.

I can suggest just skipping my posts as boring to you or using ignore. You don’t have to read them, you know.

Maybe someone can help provide a cliff notes translation of this post that will serve.

 

[Wildcat Diva]

And, I think one or two answers a day (maybe in a critical moment) like that in my post before the last one) would really help me feel understood by my spouse.

A little goes a long way.

I don’t think that anyone has time to sit there and figure out how someone feels all day.

It WOULD be nice though, if the person who is supposed to love me, so deeply, forever and ever, showed me often that they naturally understood and appreciated some unique things about me.

Continually signaling why” in a confrontational way and challenging my narrative just shows that you are not WITH me, and suggests that I’m not okay and need an adjustment. Maybe we aren’t as connected as I had hoped, and something’s REALLY wrong with US.

Romance propaganda fed to women our whole lives especially doesn’t help this line of thinking.

 

[Sublime]

That’s understandable. I don’t care for
walls of text or blah-blah-blah-boring opinions either.

But...
The response you quoted as needing cliff notes was broken up into snippets of a couple sentences each, right (with breaks)? So not super cumbersome?

And while it may seem blah blah blah to you, my post meant something to me. I wasn’t just trying to waste our time.

I don’t know how else to be (detail-focused). I’m not keen to change my style of writing. More concise might be better, but my mind don’t work that way. Shaping my natural bent would make me posting here more work and less fun for me.

I can suggest just skipping my posts as boring to you or using ignore. You don’t have to read them, you know.

Maybe someone can help provide a cliff notes translation of this post that will serve.

See, I think it is a woman thing because this reply is a typical female response. My reply tried to consider your earlier response without being too condescending. I guess I failed at that. There are differences btw the 2 genders obviously and that is why it kills me that people from the pyscho community (a lil humor here) are ok with fluid genders. I know I don't have to read your posts but how else can we further this discussion if I don't?

"Most" men like short and concise. "Most" women are not short and concise. Hence the initial comments that spouses should rarely teach each other stuff. I think on that we agree.

Let's go back to the "It's so hot in here" I don't think most guys want to have a conversation on room temperature. How about "I'm really hot so I am gonna go in the shade. Wanna join me?" It is kinda like arguing where do you wanna go for dinner.

 

[ZX9RCAM]

I appreciate the female perspective...

 

[Wildcat Diva]

Sublime, I get it. I didn’t read you as condescending. I’m not a short and concise writer, my brain thinks in detail form, not summary form. IDK how to fix that, nor do I really want to.

Let me try to make a bridge. Here:

Cliff notes:
“Can’t help you with that, it’s not in me. Can we get around your problem with it, ‘cause I’m not gonna change any time soon.”

How was that?

(Ironically, it’s not lost on me that I just did work to try making a summary just then. Don’t get used to it).

 

[Wildcat Diva]

Let's go back to the "It's so hot in here" I don't think most guys want to have a conversation on room temperature. How about "I'm really hot so I am gonna go in the shade. Wanna join me?" It is kinda like arguing where do you wanna go for dinner.

That comment “oh it’s hot” is just that, simple, me sharing an expression. I don’t mean it as a “test,” it’s not a complicated trick. It’s a simple expression.

I’m not really even wanting you (spouse) to fix it. I was capable of hauling my own ass over to the shade.

But: without me meaning it to be, it IS complex. It becomes that. It’s actually quickly becoming not a conversation about room temperature. It’s about whether or not you “get” me. I don’t mean it to be that, but it becomes that.

Just want a simple validation. A reflection. A way to somehow say: “You are feeling hot, check, I understand, I care about that. That’s information I need to move ahead with our day together.”

As opposed to “it’s not hot” being invalidating and critical of my perceptions.

Pretty much the right response is a kind of “that’s bad that you’re feeling hot.” However you want to say it. You’re just saying that you hear it and understand me.

“Yes, dear,” really isn’t that far off. I hate to say it, because that’s so cliche. It’s not so much that you agree with me, it’s that you understand and accept that what I am saying as my true situation. You care that I’m uncomfortable.

It’s a way to signal connection.

 

[Byrd666]

Yes, Dear

 

[Wildcat Diva]

And again, I don’t think empathy and validation is a constant need.

It’s like a seasoning that’s sparsely needed. You don’t have to overdo it. I don’t need every comment to be that. If there’s a problem with me needing that validation too much, then I might need to work on me and having more confidence in US.

With that being said, I DO think the the way I described is a common disconnect between men and women that happens that’s worth noting and both parties tweaking to improve.

 

[rmantoo]

That comment “oh it’s hot” is just that, simple, me sharing an expression. I don’t mean it as a “test,” it’s not a complicated trick. It’s a simple expression.

I’m not really even wanting you (spouse) to fix it. I was capable of hauling my own ass over to the shade.

But: without me meaning it to be, it IS complex. It becomes that. It’s actually quickly becoming not a conversation about room temperature. It’s about whether or not you “get” me. I don’t mean it to be that, but it becomes that.

Just want a simple validation. A reflection. A way to somehow say: “You are feeling hot, check, I understand, I care about that. That’s information I need to move ahead with our day together.”

As opposed to “it’s not hot” being invalidating and critical of my perceptions.

Pretty much the right response is a kind of “that’s bad that you’re feeling hot.” However you want to say it. You’re just saying that you hear it and understand me.

“Yes, dear,” really isn’t that far off. I hate to say it, because that’s so cliche. It’s not so much that you agree with me, it’s that you understand and accept that what I am saying as my true situation. You care that I’m uncomfortable.

It’s a way to signal connection.

My wife and I have had issues with exactly the...statement/response/disappointment or mild frustration loop you have described.

We've been together for over 15 years at this point, and although this is the absolute best woman I've ever been with, and the best relationship, I still encounter this EXACT situation quite often, and although she, like you, has gone to great lengths to explain it and educate me, I LITERALLY can't seem to get it.

I have a semi-normal range of empathetic responses, and sympathies in many situations, I am also curiously, frustratingly, unresponsive in some situations. My middle brother has Aspergers, highly functional, but there are times when I feel like I have 1 or 2% of what he has, as some situations and conversations, literally, make zero sense to me.

Intellectually, I can understand the need for validation. It's a component of all types of relationships, and even life. But when it comes to simple statements, "It's hot," "This isn't fun," "That sucks," etc, depending on the situation, I interpret it in a direction that is somewhere between 93 and 191 degrees off the axis of what was intended. Sometimes, most of the time, my response of "It's not that bad," isn't intended or motivated by oppositional defiance: It's motivated by a desire to try and mitigate the discomfort that she's feeling. Much like when a buddy or brother says, "My job/truck/whatever sucks," I don't respond that is not a bad job to try and argue. Again, it's to try and let him know that I understand, but that it's a bit better than maybe he's feeling.

Of course, with a friend, he's likely to say, "My f***ing truck sucks!" and I'm likely to say, 'F***off! Dude, your truck only has xxxx miles and runs great. GTF outtahere!!"

My wife definitely wouldn't take that kind of response well.

 

[Moonpie]

I would like to know the correct response to "It's so hot", "It's too hot in here", "It's too hot outside", etc.

Dumping a glass of ice water on their head is not the correct answer either.

 

[Dancing Heretik]

"It's too hot!"

"Yes, it is."

 

[Wildcat Diva]

My wife and I have had issues with exactly the...statement/response/disappointment or mild frustration loop you have described.

We've been together for over 15 years at this point, and although this is the absolute best woman I've ever been with, and the best relationship, I still encounter this EXACT situation quite often, and although she, like you, has gone to great lengths to explain it and educate me, I LITERALLY can't seem to get it.

I have a semi-normal range of empathetic responses, and sympathies in many situations, I am also curiously, frustratingly, unresponsive in some situations. My middle brother has Aspergers, highly functional, but there are times when I feel like I have 1 or 2% of what he has, as some situations and conversations, literally, make zero sense to me.

Intellectually, I can understand the need for validation. It's a component of all types of relationships, and even life. But when it comes to simple statements, "It's hot," "This isn't fun," "That sucks," etc, depending on the situation, I interpret it in a direction that is somewhere between 93 and 191 degrees off the axis of what was intended. Sometimes, most of the time, my response of "It's not that bad," isn't intended or motivated by oppositional defiance: It's motivated by a desire to try and mitigate the discomfort that she's feeling. Much like when a buddy or brother says, "My job/truck/whatever sucks," I don't respond that is not a bad job to try and argue. Again, it's to try and let him know that I understand, but that it's a bit better than maybe he's feeling.

Of course, with a friend, he's likely to say, "My f***ing truck sucks!" and I'm likely to say, 'F***off! Dude, your truck only has xxxx miles and runs great. GTF outtahere!!"

My wife definitely wouldn't take that kind of response well.

Yep. She could try to learn to though, and I am sure that many women have become accustomed to relating to this manner, or never had so much of that “female trait” (if that is indeed what it is) to begin with.

It’s hard to create understanding and awareness in a part of your brain that you are not used to accessing or whatever: I mean the emotional IQ part.

I think the jump to “it’s not that hot” or whatever may stem from a primitive way to fix the problem. Which makes sense, because men are problem solvers, and no one wants to deal with “if momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.” Also, being in that protector role is kinda about efficiently solving problems, right?

Maybe too efficiently. It’s like saying, “just think differently (see it my way) and problem is solved.”

This COULD be helpful, but learning to think differently is a process, and it’s one that kind of needs to be that person’s idea to take on that endeavor. Otherwise it comes off as confrontive invalidation, or worse, sneaky gaslighting.

But use the muscle in your brain that has the emotional connection part a little bit everyday and it will probably get easier. Take the extra steps to start with empathy and rationalize the benefit of thinking differently and then leave it in her court.

You don’t need jump so quickly to fix it for her.

I think the woman has to work to get along too. For example, where I’m all snot-nosed from the horrible row where we talked about serious shit between us that needs fixed and I’m hurting so much, I really don’t want to ask spouse to hug me. (I’m needing to feel him want to hug/ comfort me, which is different from me wanting to hug him to get comfort).

But since it seems that emotional IQ has shut off long before we got to this point, I’ll give up and assume the best (that he’s numb from all this and clueless to boot, not that he doesn’t want to comfort me) and I’ll say “I need you to hug me.” D’oh.

That’s kind of IDK, depressing. Most men are not like you read in a romance novel, go figure. Not that I read those, but you get it.

I think that we should be better taught what men and women are often really like and what that means for us.

 

[Wildcat Diva]

And maybe, the wife could be asked to understand that, you just don’t get it yet, but you won’t stop trying, and can she understand and give you a pass when you don’t connect with her. You’re trying after all, so you’re bound to miss the mark.

Mistakes are how you learn and all that.

She can try accepting you for you, too. That’s something she can do, to bring you both closer together.

 

[Sublime]

"Feelings" are a dangerous thing and we surely should not be governed by them. I think that is difficult for most women to understand. You are looking for validation and I am thinking why do you need it because you feel hot?

Going on 16yrs of marriage myself and it aint't easy. Sometimes we just gotta accept the other even if we don't like the outcome if we want the long haul to work.

I should be a life coach.


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[Wildcat Diva]

"Feelings" are a dangerous thing and we surely should not be governed by them. I think that is difficult for most women to understand. You are looking for validation and I am thinking why do you need it because you feel hot?

Going on 16yrs of marriage myself and it aint't easy. Sometimes we just gotta accept the other even if we don't like the outcome if we want the long haul to work.

I should be a life coach.


Sent from my SM-T380 using Tapatalk

You missed the part where the validation is not needing it because she is hot, it’s to signal that you are connected to her and understand her.

 

[Wildcat Diva]

Feelings have their place and they are important.

For example, if you don’t have a healthy fear for something you might not respect it and act foolishly.

Feelings have a purpose.

Back to empathy:
I think women are hard-wired to try to find deep connections with their mate. I think it may be hard wired to be so, due to, in the history of our existence, if you don’t have it (deep connection) a woman may lose her mate and be alone and defenseless and have no provider.

So, if you humor me and accept this argument above as potentially true, we are asking women to go against the way they may be hard wired.

It’s possible to do so, and some will have this female trait more or less than others. But let’s not be glib about saying that of course that needs changed and it’s easily done any more than I should expect my man to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what to say to me to appease me (which isn’t the point, anyways).

 

[robertc1024]

Dumping a glass of ice water on their head is not the correct answer either.

My wife and I just refer to it as "her own personal summer. "