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Today's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Rants and Raves' started by Charlie, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. sdismukes

    sdismukes Bending nails and making sawdust

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    Several cannibals were recently hired by Talk America.

    "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

    The cannibals promised to be good. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

    The cannibals all shook their heads no.

    After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

    A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat the secretary!
     


  2. Dinoble1

    Dinoble1 Active Member

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    A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do.

    Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a grizzly bear to their respective religion.

    A few weeks later, they meet up at the bar and the priest announces, "I found a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord. He liked it so much that he now comes to mass every week."

    The pastor says, "Well, I saw a bear in the clearing. I started reading him the Bible and he loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized next week."

    The priest and the pastor turn to look at the rabbi, who has a broken arm, a fractured collarbone, several deep cuts and black eyes. The rabbi says,"You know what? Looking back, maybe starting with circumcision was a mistake!"


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  3. sdismukes

    sdismukes Bending nails and making sawdust

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    There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
    They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
    He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
    The prudish son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
    The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
     
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  4. sdismukes

    sdismukes Bending nails and making sawdust

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    Erath County
    Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks.

    The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity.

    Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

    Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

    "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!"
     
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  5. Charlie

    Charlie TGT Addict TGT Supporter

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    Kerr County
    Not really a joke but................

    The Self-Cleaning Gene Pool:


    Eighth Place
    In Chicago, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

    Seventh Place
    A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who was "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

    Sixth Place
    While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

    Fifth Place
    Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

    Fourth Place
    Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

    Third Place
    After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

    The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

    HONORABLE MENTION
    Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 am. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

    RUNNER UP
    Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

    AND THE WINNER IS...
    Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

    The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves-Shit happens.

    IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
     
  6. BRD@66

    BRD@66 TGT Addict

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    Liberty Hill
    ^ Say what?
     
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  7. BRD@66

    BRD@66 TGT Addict

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    I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter. "Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor," I said. "Linda Jones, probation officer." "Sam Clark, public defender." "John," said the teen who was on trial. "I'm the one who stole the truck.
     
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  8. Dinoble1

    Dinoble1 Active Member

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    THIS IS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE.
    PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS SEVEN QUESTIONS, WHICH HE
    ANSWERS QUITE SIMPLY.

    BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS AFTER ANSWERING ONLY
    ONE QUESTION FROM HIM.
    I BET THIS HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT TO MOST
    HUSBANDS OUT THERE:

    WOMAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
    MAN: YES

    WOMAN : HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?
    MAN: USUALLY ABOUT THREE.

    WOMAN: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?
    MAN: $5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)

    WOMAN: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
    MAN: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE.

    WOMAN: SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450.
    IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?
    MAN: CORRECT !

    WOMAN: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION,
    THE PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?
    MAN: CORRECT !

    WOMAN: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN’T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?
    MAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
    WOMAN: NO.

    MAN: WHERE'S YOUR AIRPLANE?




    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
     
  9. BRD@66

    BRD@66 TGT Addict

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    Jack, a very young lad aged 4 years, says to his father, ‘Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married.’
    His father explains, ‘ For that Jack, you have to have a boy and a girl.’
    So Jack answers, ‘ I’ve already found a girl.’
    ‘ Who? ‘ splutters his Dad.
    ‘ Grandma,’ continues Jack happily.
    ‘ Now, let me get this straight,’ his father says.
    ‘ You want to marry my mother? You can’t do that.’
    ‘I don’t see why not? ‘ Jack responds,
    ‘ You married mine! ‘
     
  10. roadrunner

    roadrunner TGT Addict

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    Here
    aDgrdj7_460s.jpg
     


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